A Practical Guide for Loving Your Neighbor in their Time of Trial
Sarah Beckman
How to show up for people in crisis with presence instead of platitudes.
Service that lasts comes from working alongside people in need, not swooping in to rescue them. Beckman shows how good intentions without wisdom can actually cause harm, and how a humble, learning posture transforms service into relationship.
Everything Beckman wants you to walk away with
Most suffering is not a problem to fix but a reality to be accompanied. Showing up and staying is more valuable than any advice you could give. People remember who was there, not who had the best answer.
Swooping in to rescue people strips them of agency and dignity. Service that lasts comes from working alongside, not from above. The helper who listens before acting will always be more effective than the one who arrives with a plan already made.
Knowing what not to say is half the skill. 'Everything happens for a reason,' 'at least it wasn't worse,' and 'I know exactly how you feel' all do damage. Sometimes the most helpful words are 'I don't know what to say, but I'm here.'
Grief does not follow a schedule, and neither should your care. Everyone shows up in the first week. The faithful show up in the third month, when the casseroles stop and the silence sets in. That's when presence matters most.
A general 'let me know if you need anything' puts the burden on the grieving person. Instead, say 'I'm bringing dinner Thursday' or 'I'll be there at 10 to help.' Specific offers get accepted; vague ones get declined.
When you walk alongside someone, you are changed as much as they are. The servant who approaches with humility and curiosity will discover that the people they came to help have just as much to teach them.
You cannot pour from an empty cup. The most effective alongside servants have rhythms of rest, honest community, and spiritual replenishment. Service fueled by guilt will eventually collapse.
Different communities, backgrounds, and individuals experience crisis differently. What feels caring to you may feel intrusive to them. Ask before you act, listen before you speak, and follow their lead.
When someone is in agony, they don't need a sermon. They need someone to sit with them in the ashes. Job's friends were most helpful in the first seven days — when they sat in silence. They became harmful when they started explaining.
The call to serve alongside isn't distant or exotic. It's the coworker going through a divorce, the elderly neighbor who can't drive, the friend whose parent just died. Proximity is the starting point, not the obstacle.
These notes are inspired by direct excerpts and woven together into a readable guide you can follow from start to finish.
By Sarah Beckman
If you and those around you would dare to engage in honest conversation—to ask real questions and listen to the answers—you could do better. You could learn what it looks like to serve and love one another well, even in great pain. You could learn how to walk alongside someone, both in heart and in practical support. You could learn how to identify your own needs in crisis and communicate them clearly. And you could learn how to embrace a measure of personal discomfort in order to ease the discomfort of another.
As you step out in faith, God will shine through your actions, words, and deeds as you become the literal hands and feet of Christ.
”Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” —Proverbs 3:5–6
”We love because He first loved us.” —1 John 4:19
In the Bible, James describes an outpouring of actions that naturally follows life-saving faith. When you encounter the love of God, you want everyone to know about it. That desire to share—the urgency of someone bursting with good news—is the heart behind loving your neighbor. God is using you whether you know it or not. He instilled that inclination toward good. He created that heart for others.
Jesus made the call crystal clear. When asked which commandment was the greatest, He answered with two: love God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets rest on these two commands (Matthew 22:36–40).
Your neighbor is anyone you come into contact with in your daily life—ever. It’s your family, co-worker, church friend, former classmate, committee member, teacher, store clerk, homeless person, and yes, your literal neighbor across the street. In the biblical context, everyone is your neighbor.
There is a unique opportunity to love your neighbor when they experience a time of trial. Vulnerability brings with it an open door—one that often remains closed in the normal busyness of life. God intends for you to push open that door and step boldly into a person’s life when they need it most.
It’s not about you. Memorize those four words, because they will serve you well as you begin the journey of loving your neighbor. People who have experienced great hardship, life-altering diagnoses, and loss all say, in one way or another, that one of the hardest things to manage was the people who supposedly wanted to help but somehow made it about themselves.
Give lots of grace—especially to the person directly facing the trial. Crisis can make people irrational, and emotions tend to run high. Keep your motivations for helping pure. It is unattractive to help someone because it looks good to others or appears righteous.
Temper your enthusiasm. There is often a sense of urgency in those naturally inclined toward reaching out, but remember that the afflicted person has many demands on their time and energy, including physical limitations. Be mindful of how you acknowledge the person’s plight. As a general rule, it is important to acknowledge the situation when it first happens—don’t keep silent.
After the initial acknowledgment, realize that the person doesn’t want to always be defined by their circumstance or illness. They might not want to talk about it every time you see them on the soccer field or at church. They are trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy.
Before you take action, take time to understand your relationship to the person in trial, the truths about what they are experiencing, and the guidelines that will make your help genuinely helpful. The greatest gift you can give those you’re helping is to consider how they might be feeling.
They are:
They desire:
They need you to:
Before acting, run through these questions to calibrate your response:
”And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” —Colossians 3:17
Evaluating your relationship by the Tier system will help you determine if physically going to the person is the right way to take action.
If you are in Tier 2, 3, or 4 and feel led to go, consider asking permission before you show up. Text or call. Say something like, “I’d like to come by if you’re up to it,” or “I’d love to be with you right now if you want,” or even “I’m on my way unless I hear otherwise from you.”
No matter what Tier you fall into, if you are overly emotional about the person’s news and so deeply affected by their trial that you risk being a distraction to the ones you’re trying to support, stay home until you are able to control your sorrow and be comforting or helpful.
One of the most challenging aspects of helping someone through a trial is the desire to “fix” the person or their circumstances. Remember, it’s not your journey—it’s theirs. Even the most well-meaning people have done more harm than good by asserting a fix-it mentality.
Don’t share what’s not yours to share. And don’t let pity rule the day. It doesn’t benefit someone to feel like they are your charity case—that you only care about them because they are ill or in need. Pity will only cause your friend to feel worthless and resentful, which is not your intent.
There is nothing worse than being rushed through your feelings by someone else. There comes a time when the world wants you to move on, but you are still grieving. There’s a very real loneliness born from holding missing pieces to a puzzle that everyone close to you wants put back in place—a puzzle that will likely remain unfinished for a long time, and may never be whole again.
If you’re calling to express concern and want to leave a message, clarify that you aren’t expecting a return call. Give them permission to call only if they want to talk, so they won’t feel added pressure. If you need a response about something, suggest that you will call back another time. The same goes for texts—if you text, clarify that you don’t need to hear back.
There are times when you don’t need permission for a kind act—sending a card, writing an email, sending a gift, or purchasing groceries. However, you should seek permission before visiting (especially with long-term or terminal illness), handling sensitive information (such as prayer requests or publishing private information), making plans for the person, putting their name on anything (a race, benefit, fundraiser), changing their schedule, caring for their kids, or any other personal request.
| Type | Examples |
|---|---|
| Usually no permission needed | Cards, emails, gifts, or grocery support delivered respectfully. |
| Ask permission first | Visits, sharing updates, scheduling changes, childcare, fundraiser/name usage, or any personal/sensitive request. |
”Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” —Galatians 6:2
Specific offers of help allow you to assist the person in need while making it easier for them to say yes. These options are especially great for Tier 2 or 3 relationships: errands, grocery shopping, yard work/gardening, house cleaning, pet care, house care/sitting, rides to appointments (consistently is best), meals, fundraising, driving children, childcare, daily activities/chores, visits, meal clean up, laundry, breakfast or lunch (especially if they are home alone recovering or their spouse is traveling), and use of your car or house for their visiting family or friends.
Rather than a generic offer, name the errand: library, pet store, dry cleaners, post office, pharmacy, home improvement store, grocery store, sporting goods store, or dog groomer. Better yet, text from the store itself: “I’m at the store—what can I pick up for you?”
Coming over for a “visit” and then helping fold a load of laundry, unloading the dishwasher, changing the sheets, or wiping off counters while you are there is a great way to help. Most people are hesitant to ask for help but more likely to “let” a friend come over for some time together—which can then naturally lead to household tasks.
When a person’s whole life is out of control, they want to be able to do something for themselves. So joining them where they are is far better than stripping them of their independence. Come alongside!
The friend who can be silent with you in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with you in an hour of grief, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with you the reality of powerlessness—that is a friend who cares.
Over and over again in research and conversations, people expressed that the most helpful thing others “did” for them was simply to be with them. Whether it’s during a chemo session, sitting in a radiation waiting room, or waiting for a doctor to share test results, the power of human touch is amazing and can be a true gift during these times. What people want is for you to join with them—not to look at them with sympathy.
The friend who loves their neighbor well in trial will continue to come alongside long after the initial hardship is over.
Food speaks a universal language of love. One practical approach: because you are already cooking for your own family, you can easily add enough for one person and share what you are already making. This removes the burden of preparing a full separate meal and allows you to help more frequently. If you make enchiladas, make a small pan of two and bring it over. If you make soup, share an extra portion. Small, frequent gestures can mean more than a single large one.
”No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”
We live in a society that values personal space, privacy, rules, and social courtesies. Yet one of the most common things people who’ve lived through really hard situations report is that some of the best help came from those who didn’t ask permission first.
”Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” —James 1:19
When you jump to “I can help you make this better,” it frustrates people. They feel you’re trivializing their troubles. There is a time and a place for advice and suggestions, but if you want to stand out from the crowd and love your neighbor well in their trial, start by listening.
Do not compare or relate your grief to a friend’s. We have all experienced pain, but each grief is different.
”For God loves a cheerful giver.” —2 Corinthians 9:7
Find their favorites. Remember their favorites. And take time to deliver them. Minimum effort, maximum return.
Small, unexpected touches can mean a great deal. A box dropped at someone’s door with a tag that said “Thought you could use a little sunshine!”—filled with random yellow items from the dollar store—was deeply loved. Another powerful idea: a grieving-oriented care package filled with tissues, waterproof mascara, hand sanitizer, immunity-boosting vitamins, essential oils, worship CDs, healthy (and not-as-healthy) snacks, hydrating beverages like coconut water, blank notecards, stamps, Starbucks gift cards, and index cards filled with passages of Scripture. Heartfelt gifts like these bless people while meeting practical needs.
Include a note saying: “Part of my gift to you is that I don’t want or expect a thank you. I am delighted to help and trust that you have plenty on your plate without adding thanking me to it.”
The truth is, nothing you say can take away someone else’s pain in the moment. But how you speak matters enormously. When words don’t come easily and you’re worried about saying the right or wrong thing, a great solution is to ask the person how you might pray for them.
Acknowledge their situation. Say something like, “I’m sorry that you are facing (blank).” Keep this statement about them—not about you. The important part is to validate their situation, not fix it. Let them know you care, but stop short of analyzing or explaining things away.
Affirm their feelings. This looks something like, “I can see how you would feel that way.” Be careful not to put feelings they haven’t stated into their mouth. If they’ve expressed their feelings, you can restate what they told you, but don’t project your own feelings onto them.
Express your empathy. This could sound like, “I am with you, I’ll be here for you, I’m standing beside you in this hard thing.” Another way to express empathy to someone grieving is by talking about the person they lost—saying what you will miss about them or what you loved about their personality or life.
Phrases like these are attempts to look for a “silver lining” in other people’s grief, to diminish their loss, or to move people past sadness faster than they’re ready. The heart has to heal from the inside out—with love, not logic.
When a married person has a long-term illness or challenging diagnosis, the affected party receives the majority of the support. While this is vastly important, it is a special person who looks beyond the “patient” to see the spouse who is hurting just as much and has little to no attention paid to their needs.
One of the best ways to help a parent facing trial is to help their child. The kids are almost certainly the parent’s biggest worry. The goal is to keep things as “normal” as possible for them.
When you love and serve not just the affected party but also those surrounding them each day, your help is multiplied. Not only are you touching those who might be overlooked, you are also helping the person directly in trial because you are bolstering their support system.
One of the more isolating things about a devastating diagnosis is that the rest of the world goes on as normal. Be aware that a “normal day” is really all the person wants right now, and anything you can do to preserve or foster normalcy is a true gift.
Trouble can come in the form of cancer, alcoholism, death, divorce, or any other debilitating trial, and we all know someone facing those trials. We can’t escape it. But if we look, we will see a holy opportunity to witness the display of God’s glory in and through it.
Don’t be someone who just says “I’ll pray for you.” If possible, do it right then and there.
Even people with deep faith can use an injection of faith from others as they face trial. “When your hope is gone, you can borrow mine.” Be that person who’s willing to lend your light and faith at all times, in all situations. When you shine your light for others to see, you become the hands and feet of Jesus in a broken and hurting world.
Prayer is the most transformative tool in your box as you walk out loving your neighbor in their trial. It harnesses the power of God to minister to people more than any other action in this book. Never have you risked more or been more rewarded than by praying with those who are facing difficult circumstances.
Personalize your method based on what’s most comfortable to you and what you will follow through on.
A “Make ‘Em Laugh Challenge” is a coordinated effort to brighten someone’s day with laughter. Organize your group however suits you best—by email, letter, text, or in person. Let people know you’re trying to make this person’s day brighter with laughter. The goal is to be sly, so the recipient doesn’t know it’s a concerted effort. This works even if you aren’t in the same town or city.
Laughter can be good medicine, but only in proper dosages. Your best guide as to whether this method will express love to someone in trial is to pay attention. If your friend appreciates your sense of humor, or if they lead the way by making jokes themselves, you know you can walk down the road of laughter.
God’s greatest desire is for you to serve your church, your neighbors, and your world in the way He innately created and wired you to serve. The question to ask yourself is: “What do I do well that could be beneficial to my neighbor in trial?”
The range of talent-based service is vast. People have served others going through trials by cooking amazing meals, running errands, cleaning houses, caring for kids, cleaning refrigerators and linen closets, bringing coffee, listening, praying, driving, visiting, and even birthday shopping for their children. Whatever you’re gifted at, there’s a way to channel it toward someone who needs it.
The multiplied impact of many people working together versus one person alone can bring even more significant help, hope, and encouragement. Whenever possible, rally others to join you in serving.
Be sure your faith doesn’t fade into the background because you’re busy caring for a friend or loved one. Don’t stop attending church, prayer groups, Bible studies, or discipling and mentoring meetings. Whatever you do to strengthen or build up your own faith life, keep on doing it. It’s imperative to keep your own cup full so you can continue to pour out into others’ lives.
Be sure you are walking with a pure and upright heart. As you help another in trial, your prayer for yourself should be: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10)
”But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” —1 Peter 3:15
Relationship is the currency you use to earn your chance to share the goodness of God’s grace and redemption with others. It takes roughly twenty hours of relationship building with an unbeliever before you earn the right to share one hour about your faith.
Be in prayer for the people you know who might be un-churched (never been in church), de-churched (left the church at any age), or dis-churched (disenchanted with church). Prayer should precede all conversations or interactions when possible.
If you have a testimony of how God changed your life, showed up in a trial, or answered your prayers, make sure you have thought through your story or even written it down. Then, if given the chance, you will be ready to share. Focus on what aspects of your story might be similar to what the person is going through, and be sure to highlight the goodness of God rather than only talking about the worst parts of your story.
"He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.” —2 Corinthians 1:3–4 (MSG)
Keep your motivations in check so you’re sharing to encourage—not to be considered the expert or to process your own emotions. Pray diligently, asking for wisdom and discernment.
Even if the aging person is still well enough to be “on their own” or resides in an assisted living facility, much of their life still falls to you. Work this into your schedule so that each need isn’t an “interruption” but part of your new normal. Then if they don’t need you on any given day, you get extra time for other things.
Be mindful of simple ways to continue giving the aging person independence and honor their need to feel a part of their own life. If you’ve ever faced a situation out of your own control, you understand how paralyzing it feels. Allowing the one who is aging to make decisions, perform tasks, and continue activities whenever possible will improve their long-term well-being.
”For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” —Ephesians 2:10
Jesus said to love God and love your neighbor. Even in messy situations. Messy situations demand grace, the absence of judgment, and the intangible presence of unconditional love. They beg for people brave enough to enter in and walk alongside—to bring hope and light in a dark place where many refuse to tread.
Never say no to God when He asks you to love your neighbor—even if it’s really, really messy. “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
As someone coming alongside in a messy situation, recognize this could take a long time to sort out and pace yourself accordingly. If you operate on overdrive, you will quickly tire and not be worth much for the duration of the trial. There is an acute beginning, but as the situation wears on it will become more chronic, and you will need to establish a manageable pace for serving.
”By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” —John 13:35
We mean to be empathetic. We mean to be caring. But in the face of terminal illness, there’s not much to say. So as you go into it, remember—it’s delicate. When there are no words, let there be no words.
Patients and their families aren’t looking for magic advice or solutions—from you or anyone. They just want people to be present. To show they care.
There is something powerful and sacred about “dying words.” Don’t drown them out with your own, unless asked for your advice or opinion.
The beauty of prayer in these moments is that it provides a means for you to speak on your loved one’s behalf, to share the burden, to lift them before the throne of God. It can be an opportunity to provide assurance or a chance to speak about salvation to someone you love.
”Faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.” —James 2:17