Foreword
Most people want to help when someone they know is hurting. They just aren’t sure how. The foreword names a way through. If you’d dare to have a real conversation, to ask questions and actually listen to the answers, you could do better. You could learn what it looks like to love someone well, even in great pain, and to walk alongside them in your heart and with practical help. And you could learn to accept a little discomfort of your own so you can ease someone else’s.
Introduction
This book grew out of those conversations. Sarah Beckman talked with people who had lived through great hardship, life-altering diagnoses, and loss, and asked what actually helped.
The book moves in three parts. The first, First Things First, is about your heart before you do anything. The second, Taking Action, walks through the practical ways to help. The third, Special Circumstances, takes on harder cases, from a friend who doesn’t share your faith to a terminal illness. Underneath all of it is one promise. As you step out in faith, God will shine through your actions, words, and deeds, and you’ll become the literal hands and feet of Christ.
Part One — First Things First
Chapter 1 — The Heart of the Matter
It all starts with one verse: “We love because he first loved us.” Beckman describes her own faith that way. After she met Jesus, she wanted everyone to know about the man who had saved her. She was like a girl with a brand-new engagement ring, showing everyone the reason she was so happy. Only it wasn’t a ring. It was a guy named Jesus. The book of James describes this kind of overflow, where faith that saves pours out into action.
When someone asked Jesus which commandment mattered most, he gave two. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. And love your neighbor as yourself.
So who’s your neighbor? It’s anyone you come into contact with in daily life. Ever. It’s your family, a co-worker, a friend from church, the store clerk, a homeless person, and yes, the person across the street. In the biblical sense, everyone is your neighbor. If you already feel a pull to help people, that isn’t an accident. God gave you that heart for others, and he’s using you whether you know it or not.
There’s a special chance to love someone when they hit a time of trial. Hardship opens a door that usually stays shut in the busyness of life. God wants you to push that door open and step boldly into a person’s life when they need it most. The rest of the book is about how to walk through that door well, and it starts with four words.
Chapter 2 — It’s Not About You
It’s not about you. The book asks you to memorize those four words. The people interviewed for it had lived through great hardship and loss, and in one way or another, they all said the same thing. One of the hardest parts was managing the people who supposedly wanted to help but somehow made it about themselves.
A few habits keep the focus where it belongs. Give lots of grace, because crisis can make people irrational. Keep your reasons for helping pure. Helping because it looks good isn’t attractive. And temper your enthusiasm. The person you’re rushing toward already has plenty of demands on their time and their body.
Be careful, too, with how you bring up what they’re going through. Say something when it first happens. Don’t keep silent. But after that, remember that they don’t want to be defined by their illness or their loss. They might not want to talk about it every time they see you at church or at a soccer game. They’re trying to hold on to some sense of normal.
Chapter 3 — In the Know
Before you do anything, it helps to know your place. The book sorts relationships into four tiers. Tier 1 is the inner circle: the caregiver, close family, and close friends. Tier 2 is friends, neighbors, co-workers, and people from church. Tier 3 is acquaintances, or a friend of a friend. Tier 4 is someone you rarely see or have never met. Your tier shapes how close you should come, and the book comes back to it again and again.
It also helps to know what the person is carrying. Someone facing a trial usually isn’t thinking clearly. They feel out of control. They’re hurting, and they’re struggling to accept a new reality. They’re uncomfortable taking help, and they’re unlikely to “let you know what you can do.” What they want is a manageable amount of visits, food, and gifts, plus respect, privacy, and their own timetable for healing. And what they need from you is short: be present, listen, come alongside, guard your tongue, and serve out of love. The greatest gift you can give is to stop and think about how they might be feeling.
Then come the questions to ask yourself before you act: “What does this person need today? What is the Holy Spirit asking me to do? Why do I want to help? What would I want in the same situation?” And is this a marathon or a 5K? A long illness, a death, or a divorce is a marathon. A surgery is more like a 5K. Once you’ve thought those through, you’re ready to act.
Part Two — Taking Action
Chapter 4 — Go
The second part of the book is about action, and the first action is the simplest one. Go. Show up in person. Your tier tells you whether that’s the right move.
The advice is plain. If you’re in Tier 1, yes, go. If you’re in Tier 2, pray about how close you really are before you show up on a doorstep. Ask yourself, “Am I uniquely qualified, or do I feel particularly led?” If you’re in Tier 3 or 4, going probably isn’t the best way for you to love this person.
If you’re outside Tier 1 and still feel led to go, ask first. Text or call and say something like, “I’d like to come by if you’re up to it.” Even “I’m on my way unless I hear otherwise from you” helps. And no matter your tier, if you’re so upset by the news that you’d distract the people you came to support, stay home until you can hold your sorrow in and be a comfort.
Chapter 5 — Respect Their Journey
One of the hardest parts of helping is the urge to fix the person or their situation. Remember, it’s not your journey. It’s theirs. Even the most well-meaning people have done more harm than good with a fix-it mindset. And don’t treat them like a charity case. Pity only leaves your friend feeling worthless and resentful, even though that’s the last thing you meant.
Let them feel what they feel for as long as they need to. There’s nothing worse than being rushed through your feelings by someone else. If you’ve lost someone you love, you know. There comes a time when the world wants you to move on, and you’re still grieving. It’s like holding the missing pieces of a puzzle that everyone around you wants finished. That puzzle may stay unfinished for a long time. It may never be whole again.
Respect shows up in small things, like phone calls. If you leave a message, say you’re not expecting a call back. Let them call only if they want to talk, so they don’t feel one more demand when they’re already maxed out. If you text, say you don’t need to hear back. Some kind acts need no permission at all, like sending a card or picking up groceries. But ask before you visit, especially during a long or terminal illness. And ask before you pass along their private news, make plans for them, or put their name on a fundraiser.
Chapter 6 — Offer Specific Help
“Carry each other’s burdens,” Paul wrote, “and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” One of the best ways to carry someone’s burden is to offer something specific. A specific offer lets you help and makes it easier for them to say yes.
Run errands, shop for groceries, do yard work, or care for the pets. Give rides to appointments, and do it consistently. Drive the kids, or bring lunch when they’re home alone recovering. Offers like these turn the vague “let me know what I can do” into a clear “this is what I can do.” One person who’d been on the receiving end put it simply: “Instead of saying, ‘Let me know if you want me to do your grocery shopping,’ send a text from the grocery store that says, ‘I’m at the store. What can I pick up for you?’”
Some of the best help comes in through the side door. Most people hesitate to ask for help, but they’ll let a friend come over for a visit. While you’re there talking, fold a load of laundry, unload the dishwasher, or wipe the counters. And for the jobs they need to do themselves, offer to do them together. “I can go with you to choose a dress for the funeral.” “I can help write thank-you notes.” When your whole life is out of control, you want to be able to do something for yourself. So join them where they are instead of taking away their independence. That’s what it means to come alongside.
The hard jobs depend on the trial. After a death, you might help write the obituary or call the banks. During a long illness, you might pack for a hospital stay or post updates on CaringBridge, a website where families share news. Through a divorce, you might go to hearings with them or take on the routine jobs a spouse used to handle.
Chapter 7 — Be Present
The writer Henri Nouwen described the friend everyone needs: “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
Over and over, people said the most helpful thing anyone “did” for them was simply to be with them. One person put it this way: “Do be there, if only to hold your friend or loved one’s hand for a little while. Whether it’s during a chemo session, sitting in a radiation waiting room, or waiting for a doctor to share test results, the power of human touch is amazing.” Another said, “What I want you to do is join with me, not look at me with sympathy.”
The friend who loves well will keep coming alongside long after the first hardship is over. And one of the easiest ways to keep showing up is with food.
Chapter 8 — Love With Food
Food speaks a universal language of love, and it doesn’t have to be a big production. Someone already cooking for a family of five realized they could add enough for one more person. If they made enchiladas, they’d make a small pan of two and take it to a struggling friend. If they made soup, the friend got her own helping. Skipping a whole separate meal meant they could help far more often.
Two small courtesies make food easier to receive. Don’t bring dishes that have to be returned. And don’t drop off a meal expecting a long visit.
Chapter 9 — Do Without Asking
Modern life prizes privacy, rules, and polite manners. Yet people who’ve lived through really hard stuff kept saying that some of the best help came from people who didn’t ask first. A freshly mown lawn on the day of the funeral. A batch of chocolate chip cookies left at the front door. A cleaning lady hired to lighten the load. A circle of people praying in the yard on the day of surgery.
None of those asked anything of the person in trial. No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Chapter 10 — Listen Well
James wrote, “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” That order matters when someone’s hurting. When you jump straight to “I can help you make this better,” it frustrates them. They feel like you’re making light of their troubles. There’s a time and a place for advice. But if you want to love your neighbor well in their trial, start by listening.
And don’t compare your grief to theirs. Everyone has been through pain, but every grief is different. Once you’ve really listened, you’ll have a much better sense of what might help, including what to give.
Chapter 11 — Give Good Gifts
The book’s gift advice fits in three short steps: find their favorites, remember their favorites, and take the time to deliver them. Minimum effort, maximum return. Do they love a certain food or music? Is there a restaurant you could order takeout from? Is there a tradition you could help them keep going?
A breast cancer survivor shared her go-to gifts for friends in crisis. Massage coupons. Comfy socks with no-slip bottoms. Shirts and jackets that open in the front. Scarves or hats for chemo patients. And a Magna Doodle, a little magnetic drawing board, if the patient can’t speak.
Some of the best gifts are small and a little silly. One person found a box at the door with a tag that said, “Thought you could use a little sunshine!” It was full of random yellow stuff from the dollar store, and it was loved. A grieving friend got a care package with tissues, waterproof mascara, snacks, stamps, and index cards with Scripture written on them. It was heartfelt, and it met a lot of practical needs.
The book has ideas for every kind of person. For a man, it might be tickets to a game, an oil change, or someone to clear the snow and leaves. For a teenager, a journal, a sketchbook, or a board game. Gift cards work for anyone, whether for groceries, gas, or coffee. And whatever you give, think about tucking in a note: “Part of my gift to you is that I don’t want or expect a thank you.” They have plenty on their plate without adding a thank-you note to it.
Chapter 12 — Choose Wise Words
The truth is, nothing you say can take away someone’s pain in the moment. But some words help, and some hurt. The book offers a simple pattern: acknowledge, affirm, and express.
First, acknowledge their situation. Say something like, “I’m sorry that you’re facing this.” Keep it about them, and don’t try to explain it away. Second, affirm their feelings. “I can see how you would feel that way.” Just be careful not to put feelings in their mouth that they haven’t said. Third, express your empathy. “I’m with you. I’m standing beside you in this hard thing.” If someone is grieving, you can also talk about the person they lost and what you loved about them.
When words don’t come easily and you’re worried about saying the wrong thing, there’s a great fallback. Ask how you can pray for them.
Then there are the words to avoid. “They’re in a better place.” “It must have been God’s will.” “Time heals all wounds.” “At least you have other kids.” Phrases like these look for the silver lining in someone else’s grief. They shrink the loss, or they push people past their sadness faster than they’re ready to go. The heart has to heal from the inside out, with love, not logic.
Chapter 13 — Think Outside the Box
When a married person faces a long illness, the patient gets most of the support. That matters a great deal. But it takes a special person to look past the patient and see the spouse, who is hurting just as much and gets little or no attention.
The same goes for the kids. Angie thinks the best way to help a parent is to help their child: “I can guarantee the kids are the parents’ biggest worry. The goal is to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible for them.”
When you love the people around the person in trial, your help is multiplied. You reach people who might be overlooked, and you strengthen the people who hold your friend up every day.
Chapter 14 — Nourish Normal
That word “normal” keeps coming up, and for good reason. As one person who lived it said, “One of the more isolating things about a devastating diagnosis is that the rest of the world goes on as normal. Be aware that a ‘normal day’ is really all that the person wants right now, and anything you can do to preserve or foster normalcy is a true gift.”
You’ve already seen what that looks like. It’s not bringing up their trial every time you see them. It’s keeping the kids’ days steady. It’s the friendly visit that ends with a folded load of laundry. Each of those hands back a little piece of an ordinary day.
Chapter 15 — Shine the Light
Trouble comes as cancer, alcoholism, death, divorce, or any other crushing trial, and you almost surely know someone facing one right now. But if you look, you’ll see a holy opportunity to watch God’s glory on display in it and through it.
Part of shining that light is prayer. Don’t be someone who just says, “I’ll pray for you.” If you can, do it right then and there.
Even people with deep faith can use a boost of faith from others. Beckman borrows a line from Bebo Norman, one of her favorite Christian musicians: “When your hope is gone, you can borrow mine.” When you shine your light for others to see, you become the hands and feet of Jesus in a broken and hurting world.
Chapter 16 — Pray Diligently
Beckman says she has never risked more, or been more rewarded, than when praying with people facing hard times. It still doesn’t always come naturally to her. But prayer harnesses the power of God to minister to people more than anything else in the book.
Prayer can take many forms. You can pray out loud in person, or gather a small group of family and friends. You can text a prayer, write one in a card, or leave one on their voicemail. You can even send a verse of Scripture as a prayer. Pick the way that feels most comfortable to you and that you’ll actually follow through on.
Chapter 17 — Make Them Laugh
Laughter can be good medicine, and the book suggests a fun way to give it: a Make ‘Em Laugh Challenge. Gather a group and tell them you’re trying to brighten someone’s day. Then everyone sends something funny. A humorous book. A personalized video. An old photo. Even a flash mob. The trick is to be sly, so the person doesn’t know it’s a group effort.
But laughter is good medicine only in the right dose. Your best guide is to pay attention. If your friend enjoys your sense of humor, or if they lead the way by making jokes themselves, you know you can walk down that road.
Chapter 18 — Tap Into Your Talents
Beckman used to think she had to serve in areas she wasn’t good at in order to become more humble, more holy. Over time she came to see it differently. God’s greatest desire is for you to serve in the way he made you to serve.
So ask yourself, “What do I do well that could help my neighbor in trial?” One person went through bed rest and four back surgeries. Through all of it, a crowd of people served the family with their talents. They cooked amazing meals, cleaned the house, and cared for the kids. Others brought coffee, drove, listened, and prayed. Someone even went birthday shopping for the kids. Each person gave what they had, and together it added up to far more than any one of them could have done.
Chapter 19 — Collaborate
That’s the idea behind working together. Many people together can bring far more help, hope, and encouragement than one person alone. The book’s list of resources points to free tools that make it easier. Sites like MealTrain let friends coordinate meals. CaringBridge keeps everyone updated in one place. And fundraising sites like GoFundMe let many small gifts add up to real help.
Chapter 20 — Take Care of You
While you’re caring for a friend or loved one, don’t let your own faith fade into the background. Keep going to church, prayer groups, and Bible studies. You have to keep your own cup full so you can keep pouring into other people’s lives.
And walk with a pure heart. As you help someone through a trial, pray the words of Psalm 51 for yourself: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”
Chapter 21 — Don’t Do This…
The second part of the book ends with a complete list of what not to do, written in the voice of the person in trial. Much of it gathers up everything that came before. Imagine a friend who’s hurting saying it to you.
“Don’t try to fix my situation. Don’t gossip about my health. Don’t give me your medical advice. Don’t obligate me to return phone calls. Don’t look at me with that pitiful look you think is sympathy. Don’t share your own story over and over. Don’t take over unless I ask. Don’t make commitments you can’t keep. Don’t say, ‘Let me know if you need anything.’ Don’t expect a thank-you note. And don’t forget my struggle.”
Almost every line comes back to the four words from the start of the book: it’s not about you. The last part of the book carries that same lesson into harder places.
Part Three — Special Circumstances
Chapter 22 — When Faith Isn’t Shared
Sometimes the person you’re helping doesn’t share your faith. Peter’s advice fits here. Always be ready to give the reason for the hope you have, but do it with gentleness and respect.
Relationship comes first. In Contagious Christian, Bill Hybels says it takes roughly 20 hours of building a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe before you earn the right to spend one hour talking about your faith. Relationship is the currency that earns you the chance to share the goodness of God’s grace.
So pray for the people you know who’ve never been part of a church, or who’ve left, or who’ve grown disenchanted with it. And if God has changed your life or shown up in a trial, think your story through ahead of time. Then if the chance comes, you’ll be ready. Focus on the parts that are like what your friend is going through, and highlight God’s goodness instead of dwelling only on the worst parts.
Chapter 23 — When You’ve “Been There”
Paul wrote that God “comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.” If you’ve lived through a trial like your friend’s, you have something real to give. The question is whether, and when, to share it.
The book offers four steps. Wait: give the person time to take in their situation. Seek: ask God for wisdom about if and when to share. Listen: do lots of listening before you say anything about yourself, because listening builds trust. And ask: asking first keeps you from sharing when it isn’t welcome.
Keep your motives in check. Share to encourage, not to be seen as the expert or to work through your own emotions. If you do share, be vulnerable and be brief. Don’t one-up them. And keep it in the first person: “Here’s what happened to me,” or “This was my experience.”
Chapter 24 — When Someone Is Aging
When someone you love is aging, much of their life still falls to you to help with, even if they live on their own or in assisted living. So build it into your schedule. That way each need isn’t an interruption but part of your new normal.
Look for simple ways to keep giving them independence. If you’ve ever faced something out of your control, you know how paralyzing it feels. Letting them make decisions, do tasks, and keep up their activities whenever possible will help their well-being over the long run.
Chapter 25 — “Messy” Situations
Some trials are delicate and messy, like abuse, suicide, or addiction. Paul wrote, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Sometimes those good works are messy.
One person who said yes to a messy situation put it this way: “The reason I said yes wasn’t because I’m this great selfless person. It’s because I never want to say no to God when he asks me to love my neighbor, even if it is really, really messy.” After all, as Romans puts it, “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Messy situations demand grace, the absence of judgment, and unconditional love. They beg for people brave enough to step in and walk alongside, bringing hope and light into a dark place where many refuse to go.
Know going in that it could take a long time to sort out, and pace yourself. If you run on overdrive, you’ll tire quickly and won’t be much help for the rest of the trial. You’ll need a pace you can keep.
Chapter 26 — Terminal Illness
Jesus said, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” Few things test that love like a terminal illness. You mean to be caring, but there isn’t much to say. So go in gently. When there are no words, let there be no words.
Jenny, a hospice and home care nurse, used to get frustrated when she couldn’t fix things or find the perfect words for the families in her care. But she’s been learning. “My patients and their families have taught me they aren’t looking for magic advice or solutions from me, or anyone for that matter. They just want people to be present. To show they care.”
There’s something powerful and sacred about dying words, so don’t drown them out with your own. There’s also a place for gentle words of faith. At the bedside of a dying man named Tom, someone who loved him asked through tears, “Tom, do you know you’re forgiven and loved by God?” Words were a struggle for Tom by then, but his faint reply was clear: “I do.” Then came one more question. “And do you accept God’s gift of grace to you, knowing he died for you?” Again, Tom said, “I do.”
Prayer lets you speak on your loved one’s behalf, share their burden, and lift them before the throne of God. It can bring assurance, the way it did for Tom.
Conclusion
The book ends where it began, with James: “Faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.” Back at the start, Beckman’s faith spilled over into action like a girl showing off a new engagement ring. Everything in between shows what that looks like when someone you know is hurting.
Most of it is small. Send a text from the grocery store. Mow a lawn on the day of a funeral. Sit in a waiting room and hold a hand. Say, “I’m sorry that you’re facing this,” and then stop talking and listen. Pray right then instead of promising to pray later. And keep showing up after the rest of the world has gone back to normal.
The heart of it fits in a few words. It’s not about you. It’s about the person in front of you, and about the God who came alongside you first so you could come alongside them. As the verse at the very start put it, “We love because he first loved us.”