Foreword
If you and those around you would dare to engage in honest conversation — to ask real questions and truly listen to the answers — you could do so much better for one another. You could learn what it looks like to serve and love people well even in great pain, how to walk alongside someone in heart and in practical support, and how to embrace a measure of personal discomfort to ease the discomfort of another.
Introduction
As you step out in faith to love the people around you through their hardest seasons, God will shine through your actions, words, and deeds. In every tangible act of care, you become the literal hands and feet of Christ.
Chapter 1 — The Heart of the Matter
In the Bible, James describes an outpouring of actions that naturally follows life-saving faith. It happens the way it happened for someone who first met Jesus and could not keep quiet about it — like a girl with a brand-new engagement ring, wanting to show everyone the reason for her happiness. Except it wasn’t a ring. It was a person.
When Jesus was asked which commandment was the greatest, he answered with two: love God with everything you have, and love your neighbor as yourself. Your neighbor is anyone you come into contact with in daily life — family, co-worker, church friend, former classmate, the store clerk, the homeless person, your literal neighbor across the street. In the biblical context, everyone is your neighbor. Vulnerability brings an open door — one that often remains firmly closed in the normal busyness of life. God intends for you to push open that door and step boldly into a person’s life when they need it most.
Chapter 2 — It’s Not About You
Memorize those four words. People who have experienced great hardship all say, in one way or another, that one of the hardest things to manage was the people who supposedly wanted to help but somehow made it about themselves. Give lots of grace. Keep your motivations pure. Temper your enthusiasm — the afflicted person already has many demands on their time and energy.
Acknowledge the situation when it first happens. Don’t keep silent. But after that initial acknowledgment, realize the person doesn’t want to be defined by their circumstance. They are trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy — and helping them hold onto that may be one of the most loving things you can offer.
Chapter 3 — In the Know
Before you take action, understand your tier. Tier 1 is the inner circle: caregiver, close family, or intimate friend. Tier 2 is the wider ring: friends, neighbors, co-workers, church members. Tier 3 includes acquaintances and friends-of-friends. Tier 4 is infrequent or no personal interaction. Your tier shapes every decision about how and how much to engage.
People in trial are not thinking clearly. They feel out of control, they are hurting, and they are struggling to accept a new reality. They are unlikely to “let you know what you can do.” What they desire is manageable amounts of visits, food, gifts, and expressions of support — along with respect, privacy, normalcy, and room to heal at their own pace. What they need from you is simpler than it sounds: be present, listen, come alongside them, guard your tongue, and serve out of love.
Before every act of help, run a few questions through your mind: What does this person need today? What is my tier? What are my motives? What would I want if I were in their position? Is there someone closer who knows the current needs? And is this trial a marathon — long-term illness, death, or divorce — or a 5K, like a surgery or short-term difficulty?
Chapter 4 — Go
Your tier determines whether going in person is wise. For Tier 1, the answer is simply yes. For Tier 2, pray and discern before showing up on a doorstep. For Tier 3 or 4, going in person is probably not the right way to love your neighbor.
If you feel drawn to go anyway, ask permission first. Say something like, “I’d like to come by if you’re up to it.” That small gesture hands control back to the person who most needs it. And no matter what tier: if you are so deeply affected that you risk becoming a distraction, stay home until you can be genuinely comforting. Your presence should be a gift, not another weight to carry.
Chapter 5 — Respect Their Journey
One of the most challenging aspects of helping someone is the desire to fix the person or their circumstances. But it is not your journey. It is theirs. Don’t let pity rule the day — it doesn’t benefit anyone to feel like a charity case. Pity causes people to feel worthless and resentful, which is never the intent but is often the result.
There is nothing worse than being rushed through your feelings by someone else. There is a very real loneliness born from holding grief that everyone around you wants put behind you — a puzzle that may remain unfinished for a long time.
When you leave a message, clarify that you are not expecting a return call. Give them permission to call only if they want to talk. Seek permission before visiting (especially with long-term or terminal illness), handling sensitive information, making plans on their behalf, or putting their name on anything like a fundraiser. For a kind act that requires nothing of them — sending a card, dropping off groceries — no permission needed.
Chapter 6 — Offer Specific Help
Specific offers allow you to assist while making it easier for them to say yes. For Tier 2 or 3: running errands, grocery shopping, yard work, house cleaning, pet care, consistent rides to appointments, providing meals, driving children, childcare, daily household tasks, laundry, or offering your home to their visiting family. The key word is specific. “I’d love to bring dinner Tuesday night” is infinitely more useful than “let me know if you need anything.”
Change the phrase entirely. Instead of “let me know what I can do,” try: “I’d love to help with blank, if it’s alright with you.” Or even simpler: if you’re already at the grocery store, send a text — “I’m at the store, what can I pick up?” Don’t make the offer from home. Text from the store. The specificity does all the work.
Coming over for a “visit” and quietly helping while you’re there — folding laundry, unloading the dishwasher, wiping counters — is often more natural than asking to clean. The company becomes the door through which the real help walks in. And always: come alongside rather than taking over. Joining someone where they are preserves dignity.
For a death in the family, specific tasks might include shopping for funeral clothes, notifying family and friends, writing the obituary, ordering flowers, answering phone calls, organizing finances, notifying credit cards and banks of the deceased’s status, creating photo boards, coordinating the memorial service, or preparing the house for guests. For cancer or long-term illness, you might pack for a hospital stay, help prepare a will or health care directives, manage children’s activities, or purchase specific items like wigs, scarves, wheelchairs, or hospital beds. For divorce, you might attend hearings, fill out legal paperwork, help with a move, drive or care for children, or handle routine tasks their spouse used to manage.
Chapter 7 — Be Present
”The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness — that is a friend who cares.” Over and over, in research and in conversation, people who have walked through hard things express that the most helpful thing others “did” for them was simply to be with them. Be there, if only to hold your friend or loved one’s hand for a little while. Whether it’s during a chemo session, sitting in a radiation waiting room, or waiting for a doctor to share test results, the power of human touch is a real and tangible gift. The friend who loves their neighbor well in trial will continue to come alongside long after the initial hardship has passed.
Chapter 8 — Love With Food
Food speaks a universal language of love. One of the most sustainable ways to use it: because you are already cooking for your own family, add enough for one extra person and share what you are already making. If you are making enchiladas, make a small pan of two and bring it over. Small and frequent is often more powerful than one large, elaborate gesture.
Chapter 9 — Do Without Asking
One of the most consistent things people who have lived through really hard situations report is that some of the best help came from those who didn’t ask permission first. A freshly mown lawn the day of the funeral. A batch of cookies left at the front door. A cleaning lady hired to ease the load. A circle of prayer in the yard the morning of surgery. No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Chapter 10 — Listen Well
When you jump to “I can help you make this better,” you frustrate the person in front of you. They feel you are trivializing their troubles. There is a time and a place for advice, but if you want to love your neighbor well in their trial, start by listening. James put it plainly: “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19). Do not compare your grief to a friend’s. Each grief is entirely its own.
Chapter 11 — Give Good Gifts
Find their favorites. Remember their favorites. Take time to deliver them. Minimum effort, maximum return. Ask yourself: Do they love a certain food? Do they like certain music? Is there a recipe their kids have always loved? Is there a favorite restaurant you could order from? Is there a tradition you could help them maintain?
A breast cancer survivor’s list of go-to gifts for friends in crisis includes massage coupons, manicure or pedicure certificates, comfy socks with no-slip bottoms, pajamas or comfortable clothing, front-opening shirts and jackets for ease of movement, a Magna Doodle if the patient is unable to speak, and scarves or hats for chemotherapy patients.
Small, unexpected touches carry enormous weight. A box dropped at someone’s door with a tag reading “Thought you could use a little sunshine!” — filled with random yellow items from the dollar store — was deeply loved. A grieving-oriented care package filled with tissues, waterproof mascara, vitamins, essential oils, worship CDs, snacks, blank notecards, stamps, Starbucks gift cards, and Scripture passages on index cards is heartfelt and practical at once. Consider tucking in a note: “Part of my gift to you is that I don’t want or expect a thank you.”
For women, consider salon or massage gift cards, flowering plants, grocery gift cards, a prayer shawl, a cozy blanket, or a night out with babysitting included. For men, books, magazines, favorite foods, music, sporting event tickets, car care, lawn care, or comfortable loungewear. For teenagers, movies, music, an Amazon gift card, a Netflix subscription, games, or snacks. For young children, DVDs, coloring books, travel games for hospital stays, LEGOs, or favorite snacks. Faith-based gifts for any age: a framed Scripture verse, devotional books, or Scripture cards. And gift cards to restaurants, coffee shops, grocery stores, gas stations, or open-value Visa or Mastercard cards are always welcome.
Chapter 12 — Choose Wise Words
Nothing you say can take away someone’s pain. But how you speak matters profoundly. When words don’t come easily, the best move is simply to ask how you might pray for them.
A framework that works: acknowledge, affirm, and express. Acknowledging means saying “I’m so sorry you’re facing this” — keeping it about them, validating rather than fixing. Affirming means reflecting back what they’ve expressed. Expressing empathy sounds like “I am with you. I’ll be here.” In grief, talk about the person who was lost — say what you will miss about them, what you loved about how they lived.
Certain phrases should never cross your lips: “They’re in a better place.” “At least you have other kids.” “It must have been God’s will.” “God will work all things for good, you’ll see.” “Time heals all wounds.” These represent attempts to find a silver lining in someone else’s grief — to minimize their loss, or to move them past sadness faster than they are ready. The heart has to heal from the inside out — with love, not logic.
Chapter 13 — Think Outside the Box
When a married person faces long-term illness, the affected party receives the majority of support. But it is a special person who looks beyond the “patient” to see the spouse who is hurting just as much and receiving far less attention. The caretaker needs care too. And the best way to help a parent facing trial is often to help their children. As Angie put it, “I can guarantee the kids are the parents’ biggest worry. The goal is to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible for them.” When you love and serve not just the person in trial but also those surrounding them, your help is multiplied.
Chapter 14 — Nourish Normal
One of the more isolating things about a devastating diagnosis is that the rest of the world goes on as normal. Anything you can do to preserve normalcy — a familiar routine, a usual outing, a shared activity that predates the crisis — is a true gift.
Chapter 15 — Shine the Light
Don’t be someone who just says “I’ll pray for you” and walks away. If possible, do it right then and there. Even people with deep faith can use an injection of faith from others as they face trial. As the Christian musician Bebo Norman once put it, “When your hope is gone, you can borrow mine.” Be that person — willing to lend your light and faith at all times, in all situations.
Chapter 16 — Pray Diligently
Prayer is the most transformative tool available as you walk out the call to love your neighbor in their trial. There are many ways to pray: in person with hands gently on a shoulder; in a community gathering; through a texted prayer; by email; in a handwritten note; by phone or voicemail; or by sharing a Scripture verse that itself becomes a form of prayer. Personalize your method based on what you will actually follow through on. The best form of prayer is the one that happens.
Chapter 17 — Make Them Laugh
A “Make ‘Em Laugh Challenge” is a coordinated effort — organized by text, letter, or in person — to brighten someone’s day with humor without them knowing it’s a concerted effort. Contributions can be a humorous book, a personalized video, a letter that recaptures a funny shared memory, or an old photo. Laughter can be good medicine, but only in proper doses — let your friend lead the way.
Chapter 18 — Tap Into Your Talents
The right question isn’t “what sacrifice can I make?” — it’s “what do I do well that could be beneficial to my neighbor in trial?” People have served those going through hard things by cooking meals, running errands, cleaning houses, caring for children, praying, driving, listening for hours, and even birthday-shopping for someone else’s kids. Whatever you are gifted at, there is a way to channel it toward someone who needs it.
Chapter 19 — Collaborate
The multiplied impact of many people working together can bring significantly more help, hope, and encouragement than one person alone. Whenever possible, rally others to join you in serving someone who is struggling. There is something that happens when a community gathers its gifts together that no individual can replicate.
Chapter 20 — Take Care of You
Be sure your faith doesn’t fade because you are busy caring for a friend. Keep attending church, prayer groups, and Bible studies. Whatever you do to strengthen your own faith life, keep doing it. It is imperative to keep your own cup full so you can continue to pour out into others. As you help another in trial, let the prayer of your heart be the psalmist’s: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10).
Chapter 21 — Don’t Do This…
Don’t bring dishes that have to be returned. Don’t look at the person with that pitiful expression. Don’t gossip about their private health status. Don’t cry in front of them. Don’t try to fix the situation. Don’t obligate them to return phone calls. Don’t help just to take credit. Don’t talk about their trial every time you see them. Don’t make commitments you cannot keep. Don’t make offers that require work on their part. Don’t presume to know their prognosis. Don’t publicly discuss information they haven’t made public. Don’t share your own story ad nauseam. Don’t be bossy. Don’t take over unless asked. Don’t say “Let me know if you need anything.” Don’t expect a thank-you note. Don’t give your medical advice.
Chapter 22 — When Faith Isn’t Shared
Peter’s instruction is clear: “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect” (1 Peter 3:15). Relationship is the currency that earns the right to speak. In his book Contagious Christian, Bill Hybels notes that it takes roughly twenty hours of relationship building with an unbeliever before you have earned the right to share one hour about your faith.
Be in prayer for the people you know who might be un-churched, de-churched, or dis-churched. If you have a testimony of how God showed up in a trial or answered your prayers, think it through carefully. When the chance comes, you will be ready. Focus on what connects to what the person is going through, and highlight the goodness of God.
Chapter 23 — When You’ve “Been There”
Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 1:3–4 that God “comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.” Having been through something is a gift. The temptation is to lead with it.
Before sharing your own experience, apply four disciplines. Wait — give the person time to process before diving in with your story. Seek — trust the Holy Spirit to guide you as to whether and when to share. Listen — do a great deal of listening before speaking about yourself. Ask — different trials call for different responses.
Keep your motivations in check. You are sharing to encourage — not to be the expert. Be brief. Don’t minimize their situation or one-up them. Provide only what is directly relevant, and keep it in first person: “Here’s what happened to me” rather than a prescription for what they should do.
Chapter 24 — When Someone Is Aging
Work the recurring needs into your schedule so that each one isn’t an interruption but a part of your new normal. And be mindful of simple ways to continue giving the aging person independence — allowing them to make decisions, perform tasks, and continue activities whenever possible improves their long-term well-being in ways that cannot be measured.
Chapter 25 — “Messy” Situations
The reason to say yes to loving your neighbor in a messy situation isn’t because you are this great selfless person — it’s because you never want to say no to God when He asks you to love your neighbor, even when it is really, really messy. Ephesians 2:10 reminds us that “we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Messy situations demand grace, the absence of judgment, and the intangible presence of unconditional love.
As someone coming alongside in a complicated, chronic situation, pace yourself accordingly. Operating on overdrive will cause you to tire quickly. There is certainly an acute beginning to any crisis, but as it wears on it becomes more chronic, and you will need to find a sustainable pace for serving.
Chapter 26 — Terminal Illness
We mean to be empathetic. We mean to be caring. But in the face of terminal illness, there is not much to say. When there are no words, let there be no words.
Jenny, a hospice and home care nurse who spent years with families in these final seasons, admits to facing frustration when she couldn’t fix the situation and couldn’t find the perfect words to make it better. But her patients and their families taught her something she carries with her still: they aren’t looking for magic advice or solutions from anyone. They just want people to be present. To show they care.
There is something powerful and sacred about dying words. Don’t drown them out with your own, unless asked. In one such moment, the question was asked through tears: “Tom, do you know you’re forgiven and loved by God? Do you know that no matter what you’ve done — or left undone — He’s waiting to accept you into Heaven with loving arms?” His faint reply was clear. “I do.” “And do you accept God’s gift of grace to you, knowing he died for you?” “I do.” Prayer in these final moments provides a means to speak on behalf of your loved one, to share the burden, and to offer assurance to someone you love.
Conclusion
James reminds us that faith by itself is not enough — unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless (James 2:17). The entire arc of these chapters points to this: knowing without doing changes nothing. But step out in love — imperfectly, humbly, and consistently — and you become the answer to someone’s prayer.
Bible Verses for Loving Your Neighbor
For those walking through trial: Deuteronomy 31:6 assures the fearful that God will never leave or forsake them. Psalm 27:1 declares the Lord as light and salvation. Isaiah 41:10 speaks directly to the frightened — God himself strengthens, helps, and upholds. Isaiah 43:2 promises that when the waters rise, he will be there. Philippians 4:19 assures that every need will be met. James 1:2–4 calls those facing trials to consider it joy — the testing of faith produces perseverance.
For those who need comfort: Psalm 46:1 names him as refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:10 simply says: be still and know. Matthew 5:4 blesses those who mourn with the promise of comfort. Second Corinthians 1:3–4 names God as the Father of compassion who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the same comfort we ourselves have received.
For those struggling in faith: Second Corinthians 5:7 reduces the life of faith to a single line — we live by faith, not by sight. Ephesians 3:20–21 reaches for language that can’t contain what God is able to do — immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. Hebrews 11:1 defines the thing itself: faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
For those in grief: Psalm 34:18 places God nearest to the brokenhearted, saving those crushed in spirit. Psalm 55:22 bids the grieving to cast their cares on the Lord, who will sustain them. Psalm 126:5 promises that those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. Lamentations 3:22–23 anchors hope in mercies that are new every morning. Revelation 21:4 reaches to the other end of the story — every tear wiped away, no more death, no more mourning.
For those seeking guidance: Psalm 37:23–24 says the Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him. Isaiah 30:21 whispers a voice behind you: this is the way; walk in it. Jeremiah 29:11 speaks of plans for a future, not for harm, full of hope.
For those in need of hope: Romans 5:3–4 traces the arc — suffering produces perseverance, which produces character, which produces hope. Romans 15:13 prays for the God of hope to fill his people with all joy and peace, overflowing with hope by the power of his Spirit.
For those needing peace: Isaiah 26:3 keeps in perfect peace the mind that is steadfast and trusting. Matthew 11:28 calls the weary and burdened to come and be given rest. John 14:27 leaves a peace the world cannot give, and tells the troubled heart not to be afraid. Philippians 4:6–7 instructs against anxiety and points to prayer with thanksgiving — promising a peace that transcends understanding and guards the heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
For those learning to pray: Jeremiah 29:12 is a direct invitation — call upon me, come and pray to me, and I will listen. First John 5:14 grounds confidence in God’s will — if we ask according to it, he hears us.
Resources
For support during a health challenge: CaringBridge (caringbridge.org) allows friends and family to post updates and stay connected. HealingWell (healingwell.com) is a community built around chronic illness with practical resources. Stephen Ministries (stephenministries.org) provides training for those wanting to grow in caring for others through life crises.
For coordinating meals: Take Them a Meal (takethemameal.com) simplifies meal coordination. Lotsa Helping Hands (lotsahelpinghands.com) organizes meals and other support. Meal Train (mealtrain.com) provides an interactive online calendar with an optional donation fund.
For online fundraising: GoFundMe (gofundme.com) makes it easy to create and share a personal campaign. GiveForward (giveforward.com) empowers people to build a community around a need and take action when it counts.
For faith-based gifts and books, resources are available at cbd.com, dayspring.com, and lifeway.com. Three devotional books worth knowing: Jesus Calling offers words of reassurance and hope written as if Jesus were speaking directly to the reader. Grace for the Moment provides reflections for drawing closer to God. Streams in the Desert offers wisdom for applying biblical truths to the full range of daily life.