Introduction — How This Book Was Written—and Why
The research that produced this book began from a simple observation: dealing with people is probably the biggest problem most of us face. Adults who needed training in effective speaking turned out to need still more training in the art of human relations. As Herbert Spencer once said, “the great aim of education is not knowledge but action.” This is an action book.
You are not merely trying to acquire information. You are attempting to form new habits — a new way of life. That requires time, persistence, and daily application. One practice above all others proves invaluable: a weekly self-analysis. Ask yourself what mistakes you made, what you did right, what you could have improved, and what lessons you can carry forward.
Part One — Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Principle 1 — Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain
Few of the criminals in Sing Sing regard themselves as bad men. They are just as human as you and I. Most attempt, by some form of reasoning, to justify their antisocial acts and maintain stoutly that they should never have been imprisoned at all. If Al Capone and Dutch Schultz don’t blame themselves for anything — what about the people you and I come in contact with every day?
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. It wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. “As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation.” The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members, and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned. Criticisms are like homing pigeons — they always return home.
The aviator Bob Hoover was returning from an air show when his plane’s engines suddenly failed. The cause: a mechanic had serviced the plane with jet fuel instead of gasoline. You can imagine Hoover’s anger. But Hoover didn’t scold the mechanic; he didn’t even criticize him. Instead, he put his big arm around the man’s shoulder and said, “To show you I’m sure that you’ll never do this again, I want you to service my F-51 tomorrow.”
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. That’s far more profitable and intriguing than criticism, and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness. Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain — and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
Principle 2 — Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything: by making the other person want to do it. Dr. John Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.” William James put it another way: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” And Lincoln once wrote, “Everybody likes a compliment.”
It was this desire for a feeling of importance that led an uneducated, poverty-stricken grocery clerk to study law books he found in a barrel of household plunder bought for fifty cents. His name was Lincoln. That same desire inspired Charles Dickens to write his immortal novels. It lures many boys and girls into joining gangs. People sometimes became invalids in order to win sympathy and get a feeling of importance.
Charles Schwab was one of the first people in America paid over a million dollars a year. Andrew Carnegie chose him to become the first president of United States Steel not because Schwab knew more about steel than others, but because of his extraordinary ability to deal with people. “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”
People sometimes go six days, six weeks, and sometimes sixty years without giving those around them the hearty appreciation they crave almost as much as they crave food. The difference between appreciation and flattery is simple: appreciation is sincere and comes from the heart out; flattery is insincere and comes from the teeth out. The next time you enjoy a magnificent meal, send word to the chef that it was excellently prepared. These small acts cost nothing, and yet they are among the greatest gifts we can give.
Principle 3 — Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want
I often went fishing up in Maine. I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted — I thought about what they wanted. Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?
The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. “If there is any one secret of success,” said Henry Ford, “it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire. First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.
Part Two — Six Ways to Make People Like You
Principle 1 — Become Genuinely Interested in Other People
You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. As the Roman poet Publilius Syrus observed centuries ago, “We are interested in others when they are interested in us.” Become genuinely interested in other people — not as a technique, but as a habit of the heart.
Principle 2 — Smile
The employment manager of a large New York department store told me she would rather hire a sales clerk who hadn’t finished grade school, if he or she had a pleasant smile, than to hire a doctor of philosophy with a somber face. Research confirms that people who smile tend to manage, teach, and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children.
You don’t feel like smiling? Then force yourself. William James put it this way: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.” Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. Nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give.
Principle 3 — Remember That a Person’s Name Is to That Person the Sweetest and Most Important Sound in Any Language
Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Whenever he met a new acquaintance, he found out the complete name and some facts about family, business, and political opinions. The next time he met that person — even if it was a year later — he was able to shake hands, inquire after the family, and ask about the hollyhocks in the backyard. Remember a name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. Forget it or misspell it, and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.
Andrew Carnegie understood this instinctively. When he wanted to sell steel rails to the Pennsylvania Railroad, whose president was J. Edgar Thomson, Carnegie built a huge steel mill in Pittsburgh and called it the Edgar Thomson Steel Works. When the Pennsylvania Railroad needed steel rails, where do you suppose Thomson bought them? Most people don’t remember names because they don’t take the time and energy to concentrate and repeat them. Franklin D. Roosevelt took the trouble to remember even the names of mechanics with whom he came into contact. The executive who tells me he can’t remember names is at the same time telling me he can’t remember a significant part of his business.
Principle 4 — Be a Good Listener; Encourage Others to Talk About Themselves
A young boy named Robert told his mother, “I know that you love me very much.” When she asked how he could be so sure, he replied, “Because whenever I want to talk to you about something you stop whatever you are doing and listen to me.” To be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants than they are in you and your problems.
Principle 5 — Talk in Terms of the Other Person’s Interests
Whenever Theodore Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested. Roosevelt knew that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. Whether his visitor was a cowboy or a diplomat, Roosevelt knew what to say — because he had taken the trouble to find out beforehand. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Principle 6 — Make the Other Person Feel Important—and Do It Sincerely
Almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize, in some subtle way, that you recognize their importance — and recognize it sincerely. Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to—?” and “Thank you” oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life. Make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely.
Part Three — How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Principle 1 — The Only Way to Get the Best of an Argument Is to Avoid It
There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument — and that is to avoid it. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each contestant more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right. If you win it, you still lose it. You will feel fine — but you have made the other man feel inferior. He will resent your triumph. As wise old Ben Franklin used to say: if you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will. A misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation, and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.
Principle 2 — Show Respect for the Other Person’s Opinions; Never Say, “You’re Wrong”
If you can be sure of being right only fifty-five percent of the time, you can go down to Wall Street and make a million dollars a day. If you can’t be that certain, why tell other people they are wrong? You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation just as eloquently as you can in words — and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never. You have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride, and self-respect.
We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship. The little word “my” is the most important word in human affairs — “my” dinner, “my” house, “my” father, “my” God. When we are wrong we may admit it to ourselves, but if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our throat, we resist. Benjamin Franklin wrote in his autobiography that whenever he met someone who asserted something he thought an error, he denied himself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly. He would begin by observing that in certain cases the other person’s opinion would be right, but that in the present case there appeared to be some difference. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
Principle 3 — If You Are Wrong, Admit It Quickly and Emphatically
When you are clearly in the wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Beat the other person to it — say about yourself all the disparaging things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes minimized. There is a certain satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, it often helps solve the very problem the error created.
Principle 4 — Begin in a Friendly Way
It is an old and true maxim that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall. If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart — which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason. Lincoln understood this, and so do all great leaders who have ever moved people. Before any correction or request, begin in a friendly way — and the heart opens where it would otherwise have stayed shut.
Principle 5 — Get the Other Person Saying “Yes, Yes” Immediately
In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.
Socrates was one of the greatest philosophers the world has ever produced. His whole technique — now called the Socratic method — was based upon getting a “yes, yes” response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree, kept winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses, and his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes before. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately. The psychological momentum of a positive answer carries forward, and it often carries a man far from where he thought he was going.
Principle 6 — Let the Other Person Do a Great Deal of the Talking
Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. Let them finish — do not interrupt. La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, said, “If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.” When someone wants to tell you about his accomplishments, listen with interest and enthusiasm. He will value your acquaintance far more than if you had spent the hour talking about yourself.
Principle 7 — Let the Other Person Feel That the Idea Is His or Hers
Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions and let the other person think out the conclusion? One salesman named Wesson had called on a furniture buyer for years without making a sale. He tried a new approach: “I asked him to give me his ideas. This made him feel that he was creating the designs. And he was. I didn’t have to sell him. He bought.”
Edward House, the intimate personal adviser of Woodrow Wilson, had learned that the best way to convert the President to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually — to interest him in it so that he got thinking about it on his own. House was amazed to hear Wilson trot out a suggestion as his own — one House had quietly placed weeks before. Did House interrupt and say, “That’s not your idea. That’s mine”? He didn’t care about credit. He wanted results. So he let Wilson continue to feel the idea was his. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers — and watch what happens.
Principle 8 — Try Honestly to See Things from the Other Person’s Point of View
There is a reason for the way every person thinks and acts, and if you can find that reason, you hold the key to understanding — and perhaps to persuading — them. Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint. Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own. Start your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your exchange, and govern what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener. That single habit will encourage an open mind to your ideas more surely than any argument you could mount.
Principle 9 — Be Sympathetic with the Other Person’s Ideas and Desires
Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, and create good will? Here it is: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” You can say it and be one hundred percent sincere, because if you were the other person you would, of course, feel as he does. Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
Principle 10 — Appeal to the Nobler Motives
Everyone likes to think well of themselves. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives. J. P. Morgan once observed that a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing — one that sounds good and the real one. The person himself will think of the real reason; you don’t need to emphasize that. But everybody is idealistic at heart and likes to think of his motives as noble. The editor who persuaded even Louisa May Alcott, the immortal author of Little Women, to write for him at the height of her fame did it by offering to send a check for a hundred dollars, not to her, but to her favorite charity. He appealed not to her desire for money, but to her generosity. Appeal to the nobler motives.
Principle 11 — Dramatize Your Ideas
This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. A sales representative named Boynton had spent meetings trying to persuade a food manufacturer’s executive, presenting careful tabulations of figures, always being sidetracked into futile arguments. The second time, he walked into the office carrying a suitcase and dumped thirty-two jars of cold cream on top of the executive’s desk — all competitors’ products — each jar tagged with the results of a trade investigation. There was no longer an argument. The executive picked up one jar after another, read the tags, and asked questions. He had originally given Boynton only ten minutes; an hour later they were still talking. The same facts — but this time with dramatization and showmanship. Dramatize your ideas.
Principle 12 — Throw Down a Challenge
Charles Schwab had a mill manager whose people weren’t producing their quota. Nothing worked. At the end of the day, just before the night shift came on, Schwab asked for a piece of chalk, then turned to the nearest worker and asked how many heats his shift had made that day. “Six.” Without another word, Schwab chalked a big “6” on the floor and walked away. The night shift saw it, asked what it meant, and chalked a “7” by morning. The day shift came in, saw the “7,” and left behind them a swaggering “10.” Shortly, this mill, which had been lagging way behind, was turning out more work than any other mill in the plant. “The way to get things done,” said Schwab, “is to stimulate competition — not in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.”
Frederic Herzberg, one of the great behavioral scientists, studied the work attitudes of thousands of people and found that the one major factor that most consistently motivated people was the work itself — not money, not working conditions, not fringe benefits. The work itself, when it was exciting and interesting. That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The desire to excel. Throw down a challenge.
Part Four — Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Principle 1 — Begin with Praise and Honest Appreciation
A barber lathers a man before he shaves him. Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing. It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points. Begin with praise and honest appreciation before you deliver any criticism — and the message lands far differently than it otherwise would.
Principle 2 — Call Attention to People’s Mistakes Indirectly
Charles Schwab was passing through one of his steel mills one day at noon when he came across some employees smoking immediately below a sign that read “No Smoking.” He walked over to the men, handed each one a cigar, and said, “I’ll appreciate it, boys, if you will smoke these on the outside.” They knew that he knew they had broken a rule, and they admired him because he said nothing about it and gave them a little present and made them feel important. That is calling attention to a mistake indirectly.
When praising a child’s improvement, change the word “but” to “and.” Instead of “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better” — try: “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.” Now Johnnie accepts the praise because there is no follow-up inference of failure. When the eloquent Henry Ward Beecher died, the minister Lyman Abbott was invited to speak in his pulpit. Abbott wrote, rewrote, and polished his sermon carefully, then read it to his wife. She merely remarked that it would make an excellent article for the North American Review. In other words, she praised it and subtly suggested it wouldn’t do as a speech. Abbott saw the point, tore up his manuscript, and preached without notes. That is the art of calling attention to a mistake so indirectly that the other person corrects it himself.
Principle 3 — Talk About Your Own Mistakes Before Criticizing the Other Person
It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable. When calling Josephine’s attention to a mistake: “You have made a mistake, Josephine, but the Lord knows, it’s no worse than many I have made. You were not born with judgment. That comes only with experience, and you are better than I was at your age. I have been guilty of so many stupid, silly things myself that I have very little inclination to criticize you. But don’t you think it would have been wiser if you had done so and so?” Rightfully used, humility and praise can work veritable miracles in human relations. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Principle 4 — Ask Questions Instead of Giving Direct Orders
Owen Young, one of the great business leaders of his era, never said, “Do this or do that.” He would say, “You might consider this,” or “Do you think that would work?” He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves and let them learn from their mistakes. A technique like that saves a person’s pride and gives him a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion. Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask.
Principle 5 — Let the Other Person Save Face
Years ago the General Electric Company was faced with the delicate task of removing Charles Steinmetz from the head of a department. Steinmetz, a genius when it came to electricity, was a failure as a manager. Yet the company didn’t dare offend the man. So they gave him a new title — Consulting Engineer of General Electric — and let someone else head up the department. Steinmetz was happy. So were the officers of G.E. The legendary Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote: “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” Let the other person save face.
Principle 6 — Praise the Slightest Improvement and Praise Every Improvement
When praise is specific, it comes across as sincere — not something the other person is saying just to make you feel good. Everybody likes to be praised, but nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery. One dance instructor told a student she had a natural sense of rhythm. That student later said, “At any rate, I know I am a better dancer than I would have been if she hadn’t told me that.” Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
Principle 7 — Give the Other Person a Fine Reputation to Live Up To
If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his outstanding characteristics. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned. Dr. Martin Fitzhugh, a dentist in Dublin, wrote a note to his charwoman thanking her for the fine job she had been doing, mentioning that since two hours twice a week was a limited amount of time, she should feel free to work an extra half hour now and then to do things like polishing the cup holders. The next day, Dr. Fitzhugh walked in to find his desk polished to a mirror finish and the shiniest chrome-plated cup holder he had ever seen. He had given his charwoman a fine reputation to live up to. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Principle 8 — Use Encouragement; Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct
Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique — be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability — and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel. One man was coaxed into learning bridge with the assurance that it was “right up his alley” because of his talent for memory and judgment. “Almost before I realized what I was doing,” he wrote, “I found myself for the first time at a bridge table. All because I was told I had a natural flair for it and the game was made to seem easy.” Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Principle 9 — Make the Other Person Happy About Doing the Thing You Suggest
Colonel House practically told Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan that he was too important for the job of peace emissary to Europe — he said the President thought it would be unwise for anyone to go officially, and that Bryan’s going would attract too much attention. Bryan was satisfied. House had followed one of the most important rules of human relations: always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
To make people glad to do what you suggest, be sincere and do not promise anything you cannot deliver; know exactly what you want the other person to do; be empathetic and ask yourself what the other person really wants; consider the benefits they will receive from doing what you suggest; and put your request in a form that conveys that they personally will benefit. We could give a curt order: “John, sweep out the stockroom and polish the counter.” Or we could show John the benefits: “John, I am bringing some customers in tomorrow. If you could sweep it out and polish the counter, it would make us look efficient and you will have done your part to provide a good company image.” John probably won’t be overjoyed — but he’ll be happier than if you had not pointed out the benefits. If you increase your successes by even a mere ten percent, you have become ten percent more effective as a leader than you were before.