If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?

By Raj Raghunathan

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Introduction

We remember the past as having been more pleasant than it actually was, for two main reasons. First, we cope better with big negative events than we expect to—the impact of a romantic breakup or the failure to land a dream job seldom lingers as long as we think it will. Second, we give past negative events a positive spin over time: the heartbreak from a rejected prom date or the embarrassment from a failed exam eventually become stories that make life more colorful rather than casting a dark shadow. It is precisely because past negative events become more positive in memory that women agree to a second childbirth and authors agree to write a second book.

One of the most trying periods in life is adolescence, and research confirms the so-called midlife crisis—our most miserable days as adults typically fall between the ages of forty and fifty. The fact that we were happier as children raises an important question: what did we know as kids that we forget as adults? Or more to the point, what do we know now that is hurting our happiness?

Although there is a small positive relationship between wealth and happiness, it is not as significant as one might expect. Fame, too, has little effect on happiness.

Thoughts related to inferiority are rooted in the tendency to engage in social comparisons—“keeping up with the Joneses”—which in turn is rooted in the desire for superiority. Thoughts about lack of love and connectivity are rooted in relationship insecurities, manifested through either neediness (relationship anxiety) or avoidance. Thoughts about lack of control are rooted in the desire for control and the tendency to be a “maximizer”—someone with an irrepressible urge to make things better.

Chapter 1

The First Deadly Happiness “Sin”: Devaluing Happiness

Imagine you are in a satisfying romantic relationship, but you want your partner to lose weight. You give good advice for months, but he never follows it. Then one day he comes home excited about a new lifestyle plan from someone else—a plan nearly identical to what you had been recommending all along. Would you (A) angrily point out that this is nothing new, or (B) congratulate him for figuring it out? In studies, 85 percent recognized Option B was better for happiness—in relationships, you can often either be right or be happy, not both. Yet when a different group chose for themselves, only 72 percent selected B. About one in eight people were willing to sacrifice happiness for the sake of “being right.”

Consider another scenario: Job A is high-paying with great career prospects but uninteresting, stressful, long-hours work among difficult colleagues. Job B pays half as much—enough for a decent life but not wealth—yet the work is enjoyable and the people are genuinely nice. When asked which option better enhances happiness, 78 percent chose Job B. But when conditions simulating competitive job-interview stress were introduced, choices shifted dramatically: 55 percent in the “job stress” group and 44 percent in a milder “personality stress” group chose the higher-paying job. The more a situation induces stress—especially the kind associated with career competition—the more likely you are to sacrifice happiness for extrinsic rewards.

The First Habit of the Highly Happy: Prioritizing—But Not Pursuing—Happiness

A rich American banker vacationing in a small Mexican fishing village strikes up conversation with a local fisherman and realizes the man is sharp enough for Wall Street. He suggests the fisherman become an investment banker to earn big money. “And then?” the fisherman asks. “You could retire early and settle down in a small village like this one and fish all day!” the banker replies—not realizing the fisherman already has exactly the life the banker dreams of reaching.

Many of us harbor the misconception that happiness will make us selfish. In fact, findings show the opposite: happy people volunteer more, judge others more favorably, share their fortune more equitably, contribute more to charity, and are more likely to donate blood.

A key finding: the likelihood of happiness appearing on people’s wish lists shoots up when they are simply reminded about it. This suggested that gentle reminders could help overcome devaluing happiness. In one study, a group receiving daily email reminders to make happiness-enhancing decisions for a week were far happier by the end than a control group, because they made better choices—like going to a kids’ baseball game rather than sitting at home watching TV.

But although reminding yourself works, there is an important caveat: do not pursue or chase happiness directly. When you pursue happiness, you compare how you feel with how you would ideally like to feel, and since you generally want to feel happier than you currently do, you end up feeling unhappy about being unhappy. The question becomes: how do you prioritize happiness without pursuing it? Think of sleep. Constantly monitoring whether you are about to fall asleep is a recipe for insomnia. A better approach is to take steps that increase the odds of sleeping—eating a light dinner, working out, avoiding arguments—and then stop monitoring. In the same way, you should take steps that increase the odds of being happy and then let go.

As Daniel Kahneman has noted, there are two types of happiness. One concerns immediate, visceral feelings—how pleasant or unpleasant you feel right now. The other involves a more holistic assessment of life satisfaction. The former depends on immediate circumstances (feeling sick today, or having just had a great meal), while the latter reflects the bigger picture (your bank balance, the quality of your relationships). You could feel satisfied with your life overall yet be unhappy at the level of immediate emotions—or vice versa.

Research asking people to recollect events that made them happy found that people predominantly associate “happiness” with four types of emotions. Love/connection is the feeling associated with intimacy—with a person, pet, activity, event, or object. Joy stems from feeling that life is going well, that it is safe to let your guard down and be playful. Authentic pride is the feeling of having achieved something important and worthwhile. Hubristic pride arises from recognizing “I am special, superior”—involving comparison with others and a perception of one’s own superiority. Beyond these four, Barbara Fredrickson and colleagues have identified at least seven other positive emotions people experience regularly, including serenity, awe, inspiration, interest, and hope.

Once you have defined happiness, the second step is to recall previous occasions when you felt happy in that way and identify the determinants—friends, vacations, running, mindfulness, whatever triggered it. By defining happiness concretely, you give it greater prominence; we give greater importance to things that are easier to process. By identifying your reliable happiness determinants, you recognize the kinds of judgments and decisions you need to make. It is precisely because we teach children to value money, status, beauty, and power that they learn to lose sight of what makes them truly happy.

Chapter 2

The Second Deadly Happiness “Sin”: Chasing Superiority

Beyond the desire for others’ approval and self-esteem, the need for mastery is another reason we seek superiority. Research reveals that status matters for two main reasons: those higher in status enjoy better self-esteem and perceive themselves to have greater autonomy and control over their decisions—both of which boost happiness.

The proxy yardsticks of wealth, power, and fame—while quantifiable—come with a heavy problem: they focus us on accumulating extrinsic, materialistic rewards, and such a focus is one of the biggest happiness killers. We adapt to new levels of wealth, power, and fame, which means tethering happiness to superiority requires becoming increasingly wealthy, powerful, and famous just to maintain the same level of satisfaction.

Materialism also promotes self-centeredness and lowers compassion, making others less likely to cooperate with materialistic people. Materialistic people are more likely to sacrifice things that actually bring joy—hanging out with friends, contributing to society—in favor of money, power, and fame. A study tracking twelve thousand college freshmen over nineteen years showed that those for whom “making money” was the primary goal were far less happy two decades later. Other findings reveal materialistic people are more likely to suffer from mental disorders.

Our perceived sense of superiority is affected more by how our acquaintances—rather than close friends or family—perceive us. And findings are clear: the less attention you pay to how much better or worse than others you are, the happier you will be. To lead a happier life, you need to mitigate the need for superiority without jeopardizing your chances of success.

The Second Habit of the Highly Happy: Pursuing Flow

Is there something common to the experiences that people from all walks of life—plumbers, artists, businesspeople, scientists—find meaningful? The answer is flow.

The desire to be absorbed in flow appears to be a fundamental need. Flow is most likely when you are challenged, but not by too much or too little—ideally when your opponent’s or task’s difficulty is just ever so slightly above your own skill level. Such situations ensure you are learning and growing even as you are engaged.

Flow enhances not just your own happiness but also that of those around you. People are inspired by seeing others in flow—whether a band rocking at a concert or a passionate professor lecturing on a favorite topic. Because one person’s flow does not come at the cost of another’s, pursuing flow is a far more sustainable source of happiness than chasing superiority. By contrast, extrinsic rewards are limited: an increase in one person’s wealth, power, or fame has to come at the cost of another’s.

Multiple studies show a consistent pattern: participants perform better without the pressure of monetary rewards. Extrinsic incentives—carrots and sticks—worsen rather than improve performance because they distract from getting into flow. When rewarded or punished based on outcomes, we lose the ability to focus on the process of goal pursuit.

Because flow is a critical determinant of both happiness and success, and because we spend the bulk of our waking life at work, finding flow at work matters deeply. If you are not already doing it, reconnect with a hobby. Identify where your talents lie and try to nurture them in your current job—even if that means taking on more responsibility or bending your job description. Identify what the community needs and find ways to meet those needs. And get to do more of the things you enjoy at work—it is often easier to answer “What do I enjoy doing?” than “What am I really good at?” or “What does the world need?”

Even if you enjoy something, building expertise takes dedication and what Angela Duckworth calls “grit.” The process is often painful in the short run, but this pain is worth enduring because it serves the goal of building expertise—which is essential to experiencing “high flow.”

Chapter 3

The Third Deadly Happiness “Sin”: Desperation for Love

Harlow’s classic experiments with baby monkeys reveal how fundamental love is. When exposed to a threatening object, distressed baby monkeys always sought out a cloth-and-foam mother figure rather than a wire-mesh one. Young monkeys reared with real mothers and playmates easily learned to socialize; those raised with cloth-and-foam mothers were slower but caught up within a year. But monkeys raised with only wire-mesh mothers became socially incompetent—and the adult females who did have babies were neglectful of them. The capacity for love and nurturance depends on whether you yourself were sufficiently loved and nurtured.

Being in love feels positive, potent, and powerful all at once, and is universally rated as one of our most cherished experiences. We also have a “herd mentality”: Asch’s classic conformity experiments (and many replications since) show that people feel compelled to agree with others even when they know the others are wrong.

In one set of experiments, participants paired with a confederate watched entertaining or boring videos together. One would think video quality would be the primary driver of enjoyment—but perceived agreement with the confederate was far more potent. Watching boring videos was more enjoyable when the confederate appeared to agree than watching entertaining videos when the confederate appeared to disagree. We care far more about whether others agree or disagree with us than about the objective quality of our shared experiences.

But as critical as being loved is for happiness, the pursuit of this desire can also cause great misery. There is a thin line between a healthy desire for love and an unhealthy one. Being needy turns people off—partly because needy people are too easily available and we are programmed to devalue what is easily accessible, and partly because neediness triggers loneliness as others tend to avoid the needy.

Although avoidants view themselves as strong and independent, this self-view is mostly a façade. At a deeper level, avoidants are just as eager for love and connection as the needy, but they want others to take the initiative. When that initiative is not forthcoming—which is often, since being avoidant is not endearing—avoidants end up isolated and bereft of meaningful connections.

Fortunately, attachment style can be altered. One study showed that mere exposure to words connoting intimacy (“love,” “hugs”) can at least temporarily boost feelings of relationship security. Another showed that recalling childhood instances of love and nurturance can temporarily increase security. Two practices with immense potential for mitigating neediness and avoidance are expressing gratitude—which research shows enriches social life—and self-compassion, which deactivates the “threat system” (associated with insecurity and defensiveness) and activates the “self-soothing” system (associated with secure attachment).

The Third Habit of the Highly Happy: The Need to Love (and Give)

People have an innate desire to help others. In a survey posing the question of whether spending money on yourself or on someone else would make you happier, 63 percent predicted self-spending would win. They were wrong: you would in fact have been happier spending the money on someone else. The effect of charitable giving on life satisfaction is not trivial—it has the same effect as doubling household income.

Why does generosity boost happiness? First, it takes the focus away from your own worries and toward others’. Second, people reciprocate kindness, which boosts their happiness in return. Third—and perhaps most compellingly—when you are nice to others, you tell yourself a story that you are kind and big-hearted, feeling more capable, effective, and abundant. Remarkably, you do not need to be extravagantly generous—even a small gesture will do.

Does this mean the more you give, the happier you will be? No. Although generosity boosts happiness, it also takes energy and resources, and giving beyond a point leads to burnout. Caretakers of Alzheimer’s patients are three times as likely to be depressed as the average person. Studies show givers are both the most likely and the least likely to succeed—because there are two categories. “Selfless givers” give so indiscriminately they burn out and end up at the bottom. “Otherish givers” are smart about generosity and often rise to the top. Both are equally well intentioned; what differentiates them is that otherish givers are better at identifying when, how much, how, and to whom to give.

Chapter 4

The Fourth Deadly Happiness “Sin”: Being Overly Controlling

Terror Management Theory (TMT) reveals that when asked to contemplate death, people become even more deeply attached to their previously held values, ideals, and worldviews. The fear of death evokes feelings of uncertainty and lack of control, so people gravitate toward whatever makes them feel more in control. This is how we deal with all types of uncertainty: by seeking to make things more certain.

The need for control also manifests through the “illusion of control”—the belief that we wield greater control over outcomes than we actually do. In one lottery study, participants who chose their own tickets were more reluctant to trade them for tickets with a higher chance of winning, because the act of choosing felt like it magically improved their odds. This illusion may explain why most people are less afraid of driving than flying, even though accident odds are far greater when driving.

The deep-seated desire for control serves at least two important purposes. First, it feeds a sense of self-efficacy—the belief that you can shape outcomes to your liking—which boosts well-being through a feeling of competence and progress toward mastery. Second, it serves the goal of autonomy. Given these benefits, it is no surprise we seek control. But seeking control is a good thing only up to a point. Those with a higher need for control generally set loftier goals and achieve more, yet being too control-seeking—constantly seeking to make things better or obsessing about outcomes—lowers happiness beyond a tipping point.

The desire for autonomy is particularly pronounced among two-year-olds and teenagers. When you seek to control others, they exhibit psychological reactance: your attempt to control a spouse’s diet may be met with increased consumption of unhealthy food, and your attempt to make kids finish homework may be met with grumpiness or revolt. Overly controlling others also produces what David McClelland calls “power stress”—the tendency to get angry and frustrated when others do not behave as you want. You set yourself up for anger, frustration, and disappointment. You also drive away those who disagree with you, surrounding yourself with “yea-sayers,” which degrades decision-making.

Being overly controlling of outcomes is not the same as being keen to achieve results. Having goals boosts happiness. You cross the line when the desire to achieve outcomes controls you rather than you being in control of it. When life does not go according to plan—which happens regularly—those high in need for control suffer more: their blood pressure rises, they take greater risks, and they become more superstitious in stressful situations. When you want to control something so badly that you are obsessed, you are likely to sacrifice other things that make you happy.

One way to mitigate the desire for control is to learn to appreciate uncertainty. We all know at some level that uncertainty is important—which is why we avoid spoiler alerts before a movie and would not watch the end of a recorded game before the rest. Another way to feel less time-scarce, counterintuitively, is to engage in social service—those who do tend to feel more time abundant. Exposure to awe-inducing images—whales, waterfalls, and the like—also slows the perception of time, creating time affluence. But of all the ways to mitigate the desire for control, the one with the best potential is to take what one might call “internal control.”

The Fourth Habit of the Highly Happy: Gaining Internal Control

Our imagined enjoyment of events is almost always greater than our actual enjoyment. We consistently overpredict how much we will enjoy positive events—and we overpredict for negative events too. This is why heart attacks are more common on Monday mornings, before the workweek has really begun, than at any other time of the week. We remember past vacations as more enjoyable than they were because we selectively reminisce about the positive events.

Taking personal responsibility for your happiness means never blaming someone else or the circumstances for how you feel. It means figuring out ways to be happy despite others’ actions and external events. Although external circumstances control your external state (the outcomes you experience), they do not control your internal state (your feelings). This perspective lets you retain the keys to your happiness in your own hands. When you gain sufficient internal control, you no longer feel the need to control others or external circumstances as much.

Developing internal control is similar to building muscle: you are more likely to build it when you exercise with appropriate weights—challenges commensurate with your current abilities, neither too light nor too heavy.

In executing these tactics, it is important to avoid self-serving bias. It is equally important to avoid suppressing negative feelings—suppression does not mitigate them, because the brain regions activated by negative emotions remain active even when you suppress the feelings. Suppression also consumes brain capacity, leaving less for the task at hand. And when you suppress feelings, others usually sense it, which increases their stress and lowers how much they like you.

An arguably more powerful way to take internal control is to lead a healthier lifestyle, which involves three components: eating right, moving more, and sleeping better. Each has a big positive effect on both physical and mental health, making you feel good from the inside out and improving your ability to handle stress.

Most people recognize the importance of a healthier lifestyle but are terrible at translating this into action. The “schedule partner project” is based on an interesting finding: you are much more likely to achieve a goal when pursuing it alongside someone else rather than all by yourself.

Chapter 5

The Fifth Deadly Happiness “Sin”: Distrusting Others

In general, the more prosperous a country, the happier its citizens, and people living in stable democracies are happier than those in violent autocracies. However, something else matters more than economic prosperity or political ideology: trust. The more citizens of a country respond that “most people can be trusted” rather than “you need to be very careful in dealing with people,” the happier those citizens are.

In one study, researchers “accidentally” left twelve wallets containing the equivalent of about $50 in sixteen cities around the world; each wallet also contained the owner’s address. The proportion of wallets returned served as a proxy for trustworthiness—and once again, trust turned out to be a major determinant of happiness: the greater the proportion returned, the happier the country.

When you cannot trust your friends to split a bill equitably, or trust colleagues to keep a secret, you cannot relax—and when you cannot relax, you cannot be happy. Many of us cannot bring ourselves to trust others because of hardwired cynicism. Yet if everyone—or at least a critical mass—could overcome this predisposition by proactively trusting others, mutual trust would build and everyone’s happiness would benefit.

The Fifth Habit of the Highly Happy: Exercising “Smart Trust”

People’s propensities—attitudes, behaviors—are not set in stone; they are more fluid. Few people are unqualified saints or unequivocal devils. The factor that holds the most sway over which propensity we exhibit in any given moment is the context. In a context where saintliness is expected and everyone is behaving accordingly, we are likely to do the same. In a context where “devilishness” is permitted or actively encouraged, we drift the other way. In other words, few people are always trustworthy or always untrustworthy.

Consider this thought experiment: think of someone you dislike. Now imagine you were born with their genetic material—their looks, intelligence, aptitudes—and had their upbringing, their parents, their neighborhood, their school, their friends. Do you think you would behave any differently? Once this realization sinks in, you are naturally more likely to get past the knee-jerk tendency to judge others’ behaviors as “good” and “bad” and move to the next step: trying to understand why people behave the way they do.

Chapter 6

The Sixth Deadly Happiness “Sin”: Passionate/Indifferent Pursuit of Passion

At some level, we all know—or should know—that we lack the ability to figure out all the downstream consequences of any outcome. Because of this, we also lack the knowledge to calculate its overall impact on our lives. An outcome that currently seems positive (like marrying a sweetheart) may well turn out to be negative, and an outcome that seems negative (like a divorce) may later prove to be the best thing that happened. Life is unpredictable and whimsical, and as such, we should not hold strong views about the goodness and badness of outcomes we experience.

“Delinking happiness from outcomes” means judging outcomes only after they have occurred, not before. This approach—the sixth habit of the highly happy—is called the dispassionate pursuit of passion: having a preference for certain outcomes before they occur, but being nonjudgmental about them after they occur.

The Sixth Habit of the Highly Happy: Dispassionate Pursuit of Passion

Our feelings toward both negative and positive events generally become less intense with time. What is interesting is that this change is more pronounced for negative events—they lose their sting more rapidly than positive ones lose their glow. You will likely continue to savor the feelings from a first kiss or a great vacation long after they are over, but not harbor negative feelings about a financial scam or a failed exam for as long.

There are several reasons why feelings toward past negative events change. Negative events make us learn and grow—we are likely to be more compassionate and kind if we have experienced pain and suffering. They make us wiser, more capable of handling life’s curveballs. They afford “bragging rights”—a grueling hike or a disgusting cultural delicacy become great stories. And they make us feel stronger and more resilient when we realize we have lived through them.

Placebo effects demonstrate that our beliefs can shape our reality—if you believe a pill will cure a disease, there is an objectively greater chance it will. Not every subjective belief shapes objective reality (no matter how firmly you believe the Earth has two moons, it will not change), but in some contexts, our subjective beliefs undeniably do. Findings from religion and spirituality show that those who hold a spiritual attitude lead happier lives. Likewise, optimists and those with a more positive outlook are happier than their more pessimistic counterparts.

Chapter 7

The Seventh Deadly Happiness “Sin”: Mind Addiction

That many of our decisions are based on emotions is not news, nor is the fact that we often justify emotional decisions with “rational” reasons—hence the term post hoc rationalization. What is noteworthy, however, is that we feel uneasy admitting our decisions are driven by feelings, because of an implicit assumption: that feelings serve to hinder, rather than enhance, the quality of our judgments and decisions.

One reason “thinking too much” gets in the way of happiness-maximizing choices is that thoughts distract us from the intelligence in our feelings. Our gut instincts are not random or arbitrary—they are the repository of useful information that served us well in our adaptive past. We also underestimate feelings because we tend to seek quantifiable goals (losing a certain number of pounds, amassing a certain amount of wealth), and thoughtful deliberation seems better suited to such goals.

Yet deliberation can only go so far in generating ideas, particularly inspiring ones. Our most inspiring ideas are almost always the product of the subconscious. Without the cooperation of feelings and gut instincts, deliberation would be severely handicapped—because ultimately, the source of all of our ideas is our subconscious. This is why our best ideas come to us when we are not actively thinking about the problem, but rather thinking of something else entirely.

Another set of problems rooted in mind addiction involves lack of self-awareness, which is one of the biggest happiness killers. Without self-awareness, you are unlikely to recognize the ways you may be sabotaging your own happiness. For example, you might be deeply status-conscious but wish to believe you couldn’t care less about superiority; you might be insecure in relationships but convince yourself you are the epitome of secure attachment. The less self-aware you are, the more easily you pull off this self-delusion. The more sensible thing is to stop deluding yourself and become more honest so you can get to the bottom of the ways you may be undermining your own well-being.

The Seventh Habit of the Highly Happy: Mindfulness

One way to break a negative GATE web is to step outside the GATE of your head—to merely observe what is going on, to be a fly on the wall of your mind. Taking the perspective of bare attention means observing things as if they were happening to someone else, and if done right—if you manage to keep the mind’s commentary out of it—you actually get closer to the object of observation. What the mind labels “anxiety,” for example, reduces to sensations like clammy palms, a slightly faster heart rate, and butterflies in the stomach—nothing inherently scary or unpleasant. But when those sensations are judged, categorized, and ruminated upon, they take on an ominous flavor and persist because the mental activity keeps the GATE web alive. By merely observing a negative feeling, you allow the GATE web to slow down and the negative feelings to die more quickly.

“Mind-wandering” is roughly the opposite of being mindful. Research found that regardless of whether an activity was pleasant or not, participants were less happy when mind-wandering than when present. You are always better off—in terms of happiness—being mindful than not.

Happy people are in the moment, as findings on flow reveal, and a prominent feature of mindfulness is also being in the moment—so it follows that mindfulness makes you happy. Practicing mindfulness also lowers activation of the amygdala (associated with worrying and stress), simultaneously thickening brain areas associated with positivity and deactivating areas associated with stress. Those who practiced mindfulness were far less prone to stress when asked to give a speech or perform calculations in front of an audience. Mindfulness also improves workplace success by boosting “response flexibility”—the ability to pause before acting or reacting, fostering more conscious reactions to situations.

Mindfulness is not about not thinking. Rather, it is about changing your relationship with thoughts.

Most people find it easier to observe a bodily sensation rather than what is going on in the mind. Observing the breath is perhaps the easiest way to practice mindfulness: it is constantly changing—you are always breathing in, breathing out, or holding your breath—so it is more interesting to observe than the sensations in your hands, yet not so much in flux as your thoughts that it becomes difficult to observe.

Chapter 8: The Road Ahead

A bird’s-eye view of the book reveals that, once basic necessities are met, we need three main things to be happy.

The fulfillment of Mastery, Belonging, and Autonomy, while necessary, is not sufficient. What is also critical is using the right route. There are two routes to each: for Mastery, pursuing superiority versus pursuing flow; for Belonging, desperation for love versus the need to love and give; for Autonomy, external control versus internal control.

Apart from boosting happiness, success, and altruism at the personal level, this shift is likely to boost meaningful productivity at the societal level. As Sonja Lyubomirsky notes, the level of material comfort you experience today is equivalent to how the top 5 percent lived a mere half century ago. With each passing year, more people know from personal experience that greater wealth does not automatically translate into greater happiness, leading to a genuine interest in the determinants of fulfillment.

Cultural inertia is a big reason people think and act in ways antithetical to happiness. Another is the evaluability of goals—people accord greater importance to goals that are easier to measure, even if those goals are less important.