By Paul David Tripp
My Personal Takeaways →Tripp argues that God’s primary instrument for changing people is not programs, sermons, or books — it is people in relationship with other people. The book is a practical theology of personal ministry: how to enter someone’s world, listen well, speak truth, and help them see where the gospel meets their daily struggle.
The framework centers on four tasks — love, know, speak, and do — and shows how these shape every discipling relationship, whether formal mentoring or casual friendship. Read this if you want to be more than an encourager — you want to be a person God uses to genuinely shape others toward Christ. Implement it by applying the four tasks in one specific relationship this month, asking deeper questions, listening for heart-level themes, and bringing the gospel to bear on something concrete.
By Paul David Tripp
Mark records Jesus’ words this way: “The time has come. The kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!” (Mark 1:15). It is tempting to think that this is merely Jesus’ way of introducing himself, but his announcement is more than that. It gives all of us who endure the harsh realities of the Fall the only valid reason to get up in the morning. It offers hope that is wonderfully practical and intensely personal. The news begins with these words: “The time has come.” Jesus is saying, “This is what God has been working on. All of history has been moving toward this one moment.” God had not forgotten or lost interest in humanity. Since that horrible first fall into sin, he had been bringing the world to this day.
Perhaps the best way to understand these grand purposes is to eavesdrop on eternity. In Revelation 19:6–8, the great multitude of the redeemed stands before the throne and, like the roar of rapids, exclaims: “Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear.” Think about what they are singing. It is not, “I got that job! My marriage was fantastic! I was surrounded by great friends and my kids turned out well.” It is not, “I defeated depression and mastered my fears.” Two things capture the hearts of the assembled throng. The first is that Christ has won the final victory. His will has been done, his plan accomplished, and he reigns without challenge forever. God has gathered a people who have a passion for his glory and find ultimate comfort in his rule.
People struggling with life in a fallen world often want explanations when what they really need is imagination. They want strategies, techniques, and principles because they simply want things to be better. But God offers much more. People need to look at their families, neighbors, friends, cities, jobs, history, and churches, and see the kingdom. They need imagination—the ability to see what is real but unseen. This is what Paul fixed his gaze on.
As sinners, we have a natural bent to turn away from the Creator to serve the creation. We turn away from hope in a Person to hope in systems, ideas, people, or possessions. Real Hope stares us in the face, but we do not see him. Instead, we dig into the mound of human ideas to extract a tiny shard of insight. We tell ourselves that we have finally found the key, the thing that will make a difference. We act on the insight and embrace the delusion of lasting personal change. But before long, disappointment returns. The change was temporary and cosmetic, failing to penetrate the heart of the problem. So, we go back to the mound again, determined this time to dig in the right place. Eureka! We find another shard of insight, seemingly more profound than before. We take it home, study it, and put it into practice. But we always end up in the same place.
We must not offer people a system of redemption, a set of insights and principles. We offer people a Redeemer.
If you are going to help someone, you need to know what is wrong and how it can be fixed. You go to your auto mechanic because he can determine why your car is malfunctioning and get it running again. Any trustworthy perspective on personal change must do the same. It must correctly diagnose what is wrong with people and what is necessary for them to change.
Scripture is defining sin as a condition that results in behavior. We all are sinners, and because of this, we all do sinful things. This is why I said that our core problem precedes our experience. David captures it well in Psalm 51: “Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me”. David is saying, “I was born with a fundamental problem. I had it long before my first experience. Something is wrong with my inner self that fundamentally affects the way I operate as a human being.” This has thunderous implications. Because sin is my nature as a human being, it is inescapable. It marks everything I think, say, and do. It will guide my cravings, my response to authority, and my decision making. It will alter my values, direct my hopes and dreams, and shape every interpretation I make.
Sin not only causes me to respond sinfully to suffering, it causes me to respond sinfully to blessing. The smart kid teases the dumb kid. The athlete makes fun of the kid with two left feet. Something is so wrong inside us that we can’t even handle blessing properly.
This is why Paul writes so pointedly in Colossians 2:8, “See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world and not on Christ.”
Rebellion is the inborn tendency to give in to the lies of autonomy, self-sufficiency, and self-focus. It results in a habitual violation of God-given boundaries. Autonomy says, “I have the right to do what I want when I want to do it.” Self-sufficiency says, “I have everything I need in myself, so I don’t need to depend on or submit to anyone.” Self-focus says, “I am the center of my world. It is right to live for myself and to do only what brings me happiness.” These are the lies of the Garden, the same lies Satan has whispered in generation after generation of willing ears. They deny our basic makeup as human beings. We were not created to be autonomous. We were designed to be in daily submission to God and to live for his glory. Living outside this design will never work.
And as he changes us, he allows us to be part of what he is doing in the lives of others. As you respond to the Redeemer’s work in your life, you can learn to be an instrument in his hands.
He didn’t see himself as one of God’s instruments, only as one of God’s conduits—a passive channel connecting one thing to another. An instrument is a tool that is actively used to change something, and God has called all of his people to be instruments of change in his redemptive hands. Embedded in the larger story of redemption is a principle we must not miss: God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things in the lives of others. What mission board, what ministry, what local church would use the people God used in Scripture? There was Moses (an exiled murderer), Gideon (fearful and hiding), David (the shepherd boy with no military training), Peter (who publicly denied Christ), and Paul (persecutor of the church), to name a few. Along with these are untold numbers of little people God used in big ways to fulfill his plan on earth. God never intended us to simply be the objects of his love. We are also called to be instruments of that love in the lives of others.
When they think of their own involvement, they don’t think very far beyond saying a prayer or making a meal. Yet their adoption into the family of God was also a call to ministry, a call to be part of the good work of the kingdom. The overall biblical model is this: God transforms people’s lives as people bring his Word to others.
Each of us has been gifted, called, and positioned to do our part in God’s kingdom work. Our histories, personalities, abilities, and maturity levels differ, which is how the Redeemer intends it. He is sovereign over it all.
Personal ministry is about people loving people, but in a way that includes bringing them God’s Word.
What we think of as ministering the Word is little more than a spiritual cut-and-paste system. This kind of ministry rarely leads to lasting change because it does not bring the power of the Word to the places where change is really needed. In this kind of ministry, self is still at the center, personal need is the focus, and personal happiness remains the goal. But a truly effective ministry of the Word must confront our self-focus and self-absorption at its roots, opening us up to the vastness of a God-defined, God-centered world. Unless this happens, we will use the promises, principles, and commands of the Word to serve the thing we really love: ourselves. This may be why many people read and hear God’s Word regularly while their lives remain unchanged. Only when the rain of the Word penetrates the roots of the problem does lasting change occur.
If you try to use your Bible as God’s encyclopedia, you will either conclude that it has little to say about some crucial issues of modern life or you will bend, twist, and stretch passages to suit your purposes. Either way, you are not getting from the Word what God intended. This misunderstanding underlies the frustration many people feel with Scripture. We secretly wish that God had made it simpler and just arranged it topically!
However, if you want God’s full perspective on a particular subject, you cannot limit yourself to the Bible passages that specifically focus on it. The couple immersed in the battle for control will not learn how to break out of their endless cycle of turmoil by studying the standard Scripture passages on marriage. Without the perspective of the rest of the Bible, those marital passages will offer little help. In fact, they can be used for purposes that are more about what I want than what God has ordained. That is how Scripture differs from an encyclopedia. When I use an encyclopedia, I do not need to read other articles to understand the one I am reading at the moment. One article has no connection to another; there are no overarching themes. In the Bible, however, every passage is dependent on the whole, and the whole Bible is held together by interdependent themes that run through every passage like rebar, the steel rods that reinforce concrete. If I handle Scripture topically, I will miss the overarching themes at the heart of everything else God wants to say to me. These themes give me a sense of identity, purpose, and direction that will fundamentally alter the way I think, desire, speak, and act. They will go to the root of my problem, producing change that lasts.
This overarching story reflects the fact that our problem as human beings is deeper than the individual sins we commit each day, creating the specific problems that complicate our lives. Our deepest problem is that we seek to find our identity outside the story of redemption. If the entire goal and direction of our lives are wrong, we need much more than practical advice on how to do the right thing in a particular situation. We need a message big enough to overcome our natural human instinct to live for our own glory, pursue our own happiness, and forget that our lives are much, much bigger than this little moment of life. Every day, in some way, we buy the lies of autonomy and self-sufficiency, worshiping the creation rather than its Creator.
An encyclopedic, problem-solving approach to Scripture is totally inadequate for the true depth of our need. We need something that will change us from the inside out—we need Christ! Only his person and work can free us from our slavery to self and our tendency to deify the creation. Only as we see our story enfolded in the larger story of redemption will we begin to live God-honoring lives. Lasting change begins when our identity, purpose, and sense of direction are defined by God’s story. When we bring this perspective to our relationships, we will have a dramatically different agenda. It will take the principles and commands of Scripture and use them as God intended.
We cannot use the Bible as a divine self-help book!
God is calling a people to himself, forming them into his likeness, and preparing them for an eternity with him. This is his overarching plan of the ages, revealed in history, present in current events and in the lives of everyone who has ever lived. At any moment in time, the right answer to the question, “What is God doing?” is, “Accomplishing his plan.” This theme is meant to be a great practical comfort to us. Look around—don’t things often seem to be out of control? Doesn’t it often look like the bad guys are winning? Haven’t you cried, “Why me?” or wept at the suffering of another? Don’t you sometimes feel lost in the crowd, the custodian of a small and relatively meaningless life? Don’t you daily face your powerlessness to even change yourself? In response to humanity’s deepest, heartfelt questions, God sweetly speaks of his sovereignty. “Take heart, I am in complete control. I am the definition of holiness and love. All of my ways are right and true, all of my decisions are best, and I will not rest until my plan has been completed.”
Your world is not a world of constant chaos controlled by impersonal forces. Your destiny is not in your hands or in the hands of other people. You are held in the hands of your heavenly Father, who rules everything!
King David understood this in one of his darkest moments. His son Absalom had plotted to take his throne. Imagine having to flee the palace for fear of your own son! (This was a monarchy in which the throne passed from father to son only at death.) At one point David is hiding in a cave, surrounded by a loyal band of soldiers. They come to David and essentially ask, “What’s going to happen now?” According to Psalms 3 and 4, David responds with a perspective that should be true for all of us. “Lord, when I think about you, my heart is filled with joy. This joy is greater than when the harvest and new wine is bountiful [the happiest time of the year for an agricultural society]. Yes, I am in this cave, but my life is not in the hands of Absalom. My life is where it has always been, in your sovereign hands. So I will not give in to fear. I will not assault my mind with questions I cannot answer. I will sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety”. Every time you love your enemy, you are resting in the sovereignty of God. Every time you speak lovingly and softly in the face of someone else’s anger, you are choosing to rest in the sovereignty of God. Every time you resist the temptation to win an argument at all costs, you are resting in God’s sovereignty. Because he rules, nothing you do in obedience to him is ever futile.
In all the drama of the story of redemption, one reality repeatedly bursts to the surface: we live in a world where there is grace to be found. God is not only sovereign, he is also abounding in grace. Immediately after Adam and Eve disobeyed him, God made it clear that he was going to do more than punish them. He would send the seed of the woman (Christ) to defeat the Enemy and provide redemption for his people (see Genesis 3:15). God’s response to the willful rebellion of his creatures was grace!
Grace defines the story and gives it direction. The story tells me in a thousand ways that God has made a way to deal with my deepest problem, sin. It reminds me that my life need not be imprisoned by my own rebellion, defeated by my own foolishness, or paralyzed by my own inability. God’s grace is most powerful and effective at the moment of my greatest weakness.
All of their marriage books, communication skills, and attempts at reformation will fail, because their only true hope is God’s heart-transforming, relationship-revolutionizing grace. When they begin to rely on that grace and extend it to each other, the foundations of their present economy will crumble, and a foundation of grace-infused, God-empowered love will grow. Only in the economy of grace can the biblical principles for healthy marital relationships bear lasting fruit.
Johnny wasn’t supposed to be the center of attention. He wasn’t supposed to have a huge pile of gifts. It was Susie’s birthday, and everything was rightly focused on her. Johnny would never enjoy his inclusion in the event if he demanded to be at the center. So it is with the grand story of the Bible. With all of its locations and people, with all of the dramatic events of nature and history, at the center of the story is the Lord. It is his story. Paul summarizes the story this way, “For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen” (Romans 11:36).
At the bottom of a broken marriage, a shattered family, or a forsaken friendship you will always find stolen glory. We crave glory that does not belong to us, and we step on one another to get it. Rather than glorifying God by using the things he has given us to love other people, we use people to get the glory we love. Sin causes us to steal the story and rewrite it with ourselves as the lead, and with our lives at center stage. But there is only one stage and it belongs to the Lord. Any attempt to put ourselves in his place puts us in a war with him. It is an intensely vertical war, a fight for divine glory, a plot to take the very position of God. It is the drama that lies behind every sad earthly drama. Sin has made us glory robbers. We do not suffer well, because suffering interferes with our glory. We do not find relationships easy, because others compete with us for glory. We do not serve well, because in our quest for glory, we want to be served.
This is the work of the kingdom of God: people in the hands of the Redeemer, daily functioning as his tools of lasting change.
We know that God has called us to be part of his kingdom work, but he hasn’t given us a neat formula to follow. He hasn’t given us “seven steps to personal and relational perfection.” Instead, he has told us to place our hope in the presence and work of Jesus the Redeemer. Both the helper and the person needing help depend on his power and wisdom for change.
The account of Creation has a cadence to it, a beat. God creates light, declares that it is good, and there is evening and morning, the first day. God creates heaven and earth, land and water, declares that it is good, and there is evening and morning, the second day. God creates something, declares that it is good … and the beat goes on—until he decides to create people. All of a sudden the rhythm is interrupted. God does something with Adam and Eve that he has not done with anything else. His actions demonstrate why personal ministry is necessary for all of us. Immediately after creating Adam and Eve, God talks to them. He didn’t do this with anything else he created. He simply rested and moved on. When the cadence is broken and God does something different, you should ask yourself why. Why did God talk to them? God knew that even though Adam and Eve were perfect people living in perfect relationship with him, they could not figure out life on their own. They were created to be dependent. God had to explain who they were and what they were to do with their lives. They did not need this help because they were sinners. They needed help because they were human. This is the first instance of personal ministry in human history. The Wonderful Counselor comes to human beings and defines their identity and purpose.
Personal ministry must begin with a humble recognition of the inescapable nature of our need. If there had been no Fall, if we had never sinned, we would still need help because we are human. A proper understanding of yourself and the work God has called you to starts here.
When we say that God designed human beings to be interpreters, we are getting to the heart of why human beings do what they do. Our thinking conditions our emotions, our sense of identity, our view of others, our agenda for the solution of our problems, and our willingness to receive counsel from others. That is why we need a framework for generating valid interpretations that help us respond to life appropriately. Only the words of the Creator can give us that framework.
Because we are worshipers by nature, we are always (1) giving proper worship to God, (2) serving something else, or (3) worshiping ourselves, demanding to be the center of our own universe.
Who has ever fantasized about someone saying “no”? Fantasy is an attempt to be God.
You were created to love, serve, worship, and obey me. These things should underlie everything you do.”
The moral drama here gets to the core of human existence. Notice that the passage says that Eve saw the fruit as “desirable for gaining wisdom.” Satan was not just selling Eve the best fruit in the garden, but something more fundamentally appealing. He was telling Eve that if she ate the fruit, she would be independently wise. The promise was autonomous personal wisdom, without any need for God or his revelation! This was the attraction that led to the Fall.
We may not profess to be atheists, but in practice we live purely horizontal, godless lives. The things of this world capture and enslave us. We may go to church and possess a high level of biblical and theological knowledge, but these pursuits can exist on the fringes of our lives.
A woman once approached me during a seminar on this material and asked, “If I have the Bible in my hands and the Holy Spirit in my heart, why do I need to be counseled by others?” How would you answer her? Indeed, the Holy Spirit is the Wonderful Counselor of the church. He enables us to understand God’s Word, convicts us of sin, works in us a willingness to obey, and enables us to do what we have been called by God to do. But does this mean that I no longer need one-on-one ministry? You could use the same logic to argue that you don’t need public worship and the public ministry of the Word. This woman was missing something significant, which is captured by a few short verses in Hebrews: “See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Hebrews 3:12–13).
But while sin remains, we must remember that sin is deceitful. Sin blinds—and guess who gets blinded first? Me! I have no trouble seeing the sins of my family, but I can be astonished when mine are pointed out! Christ captures this truth with his word picture in Matthew 7. He says we can see a speck of dust in our neighbor’s eye, but we are oblivious to a huge piece of lumber sticking out of our own! Since each of us still has sin remaining in us, we will have pockets of spiritual blindness. This problem has a great impact on personal ministry. Our most important vision system is not our physical eyes. We can be physically blind and live quite well. But when we are spiritually blind, we cannot live as God intended. That is why so many Old Testament prophecies say that the Messiah would come to open blind eyes.
First, we need the loving courage of honesty. We need to love others more than we love ourselves, and so, with humble, patient love, help them to see what they need to see. Second, we need the thankful humility of approachability. We need to forsake defensiveness, be thankful that God has surrounded us with help, and be ready to receive it—every day!
Third, the power of sin has been broken, but the blinding presence of sin remains. Therefore, we need to live in humble, honest community with one another, where personal ministry is part of the daily culture.
When you say that you are getting to know someone, you are not saying that you have a deeper knowledge of his ears or nose! You are talking about the inner person, the heart. You know how the person thinks, what he wants, what makes him happy or sad. You can predict what he is feeling at any given moment. Because the Bible says your heart is the essential you, any ministry of change must target the heart.
Many of our attempts to change behavior ignore the heart behind the actions. We threaten, we manipulate, instill guilt, raise our voices, and do a host of other things to change behavior, but change never lasts. The moment the outside pressure wanes, the behavior reverts to what it was before. The body always goes where the heart leads.
Change that ignores the heart will seldom transform the life. For a while, it may seem like the real thing, but it will prove temporary and cosmetic.
Christ’s illustration establishes three principles that guide our efforts to serve as God’s instruments of change in the lives of others. 1. There is an undeniable root and fruit connection between our heart and our behavior. People and situations do not determine our behavior; they provide the occasion where our behavior reveals our hearts. 2. Lasting change always takes place through the pathway of the heart. Fruit change is the result of root change. Similarly, in Matthew 23, Christ says, “Clean the inside of the cup and dish and the outside will become clean.” Any agenda for change must focus on the thoughts and desires of the heart. 3. Therefore, the heart is our target in personal growth and ministry. Our prayer is that God will work heart change in us and use us to produce heart change in others that results in new words, choices, and actions.
An idol of the heart is anything that rules me other than God.
It is a life shaped by the satisfaction of cravings, rather than by heartfelt commitment and faithfulness.
Sin is much more than doing the wrong thing. It begins with loving, worshiping, and serving the wrong thing.
I once counseled a successful executive from New York City. He was the most controlling man I have ever met. He had been married for thirty years and handled all of the financial, parenting, and decorating decisions of the family. He was so obsessed with control that he would rearrange his wife’s clothes closet according to his prescribed plan (blouses, skirts, pants, and dresses, in graduated shades of color)! Now, imagine that I did not know all this as I spoke to his wife. His controlling tendencies would not be in my mind as I listened to her complain that she and her husband never talk and that many conflicts are left unsolved. What would happen if I rolled up my counselor’s sleeves and gave the husband good biblical instruction on communication and conflict resolution? Would this lead to basic changes in his marriage? The answer is no, because he would use his new understanding and skills to get what his heart worshiped. Because my counsel would not have addressed this man’s idols of the heart, it would only produce a more successful controller. As long as the desire for dominance ruled his heart, he would use whatever principles and skills he learned to establish even greater control over his family.
My idols are not the overt idols of Hindu polytheism; they are the covert idols of my heart. But either way, they are god-replacements. From God’s vantage point, my idols are just as disgusting as anything I had seen that day. They command my daily devotion, shape my daily routine, and guide the way I interact with life, though they have no power whatsoever to deliver. There are times when I am just as deceived and blind as the young priests I observed. Overt idolatry has much to tell us about how covert idolatry controls our lives.
God changes us not just by teaching us to do different things, but by recapturing our hearts to serve him alone.
The deepest issues of the human struggle are not issues of pain and suffering, but the issue of worship, because what rules our hearts will control the way we respond to both suffering and blessing.
We rarely say, “I am going to set my heart on this thing and let it completely control my life,” but that is exactly what happens. The person you met and mildly enjoyed becomes the person whose approval you cannot live without. The work you undertook to support your family becomes the source of identity and achievement you can’t give up. The house you built for the shelter and comfort of your family becomes a temple for the worship of possessions. A rightful attention to your own needs morphs into a self-absorbed existence.
Every human being is a worshiper, in active pursuit of the thing that rules his heart. This worship shapes everything we do and say, who we are, and how we live. This is why the heart is always our target in personal ministry.
You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
James says we will never understand our anger that way. Instead, he counsels us to do the exact opposite—to look within. This is a fundamental biblical principle. The only way to understand your anger is to examine your own heart. According to Christ, angry words and actions are the heart overflowing (see Luke 6:45). Our feelings of anger and the words and actions that follow reveal very important things about our hearts.
In that little phrase, “desires that battle within you,” James gives us a window into how the heart operates. The heart of every person is a fount of competing desires. We rarely do anything with one simple motive. Most of the time there is a battle within.
James is saying that our horizontal desires (for people, possessions, recognition, control, acceptance, attention, vengeance, etc.) compete with the Lord for the rule of our hearts. Our desire to set up our own kingdom is in direct conflict with the King who has come to rule in our hearts. This is the war beneath all others. Who will rule that tense situation at work—your desire for a raise, or God’s glory? Will God rule that conversation with your child, or your desire for peace and quiet? Will God rule your relationship with your father, or your desire for vengeance for years of mistreatment? These skirmishes within your heart are battles in the most important war.
The focus of James’s discussion is not evil desires (desires for the wrong thing), but inordinate desires (desires that may be right in and of themselves, but must never rule my heart). It is not wrong to desire relaxation at the end of a long day. It is wrong to be ruled by relaxation in such a way that I am irritated with anyone who gets in the way. It is not wrong to desire the tender attention of your husband. It is wrong to be so ruled by it that your days are filled with bitterness because of its absence and your nights are filled with manipulative attempts to get it.
If a certain set of desires rules my heart, I will not want God to be a wise, loving, sovereign Father who gives me what he knows is best. Instead, I will want a divine waiter who delivers what I have set my heart on. Imagine going to a restaurant and ordering a sixteen-ounce, medium-rare prime rib with a huge baked potato slathered in butter and sour cream. The waiter takes down your order and disappears into the kitchen, only to emerge twenty minutes later with a dry salad. You say to the waiter, “This is not what I ordered!” and he responds, “Well, I took down your order, but I began thinking about your age and your health, and I decided that what you ordered was the worst thing you could possibly have. So I had the chef prepare this salad.” Would you thank the waiter and dive into your lettuce? Of course not, because the desire for steak is ruling your heart. When a certain set of desires rules our hearts, we reduce prayer to the menu of human desire. Worse, we shrink God from his position of all-wise, all-loving, all-powerful Father to a divine waiter we expect to deliver everything we ask. But God will not shrink to this size. He will only be our Father and King, who “satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s” (Psalms 103:5).
He will oppose your proud and self-absorbed living, not because he is against you, but because he loves you.” Praise God that he will settle for nothing short of the final victory in our hearts.
We should be encouraged by God’s jealousy. Wives, how would you react if your husband plopped down on the couch, pulled you close and said, “Dear, of all the women I love, tonight I think I love you the most”? You would not be encouraged. You would be outraged! True love is always jealous.
The biblical logic is clear. You can’t keep the second Great Commandment unless you are first keeping the first. Only in bowing before God and submitting to his desires can we really turn to one another in peace and love. Any agenda for change that forgets this vertical causality will prove temporary and cosmetic.
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
Like James, Paul’s logic is simple. He reduces our living to two foundational lifestyles. Our lives are either shaped by indulging the sinful nature or by self-sacrificing love. Loving your neighbor as yourself summarizes God’s will for us. This is true because only those who love God first will love their neighbors as themselves.
What does it mean to “gratify the desires of the sinful nature”? When you indulge something, you feed it. You go where it takes you.
Galatians 5 calls us to hold onto two realities. The first is the everyday reality of the war for the heart, the war between God’s “within you” kingdom and the kingdom of creation.
The second reality must be held tightly at the same time. It is the reality of my identity as a child of God and the resources that are therefore mine in Christ. The apostle Paul tends to reduce these resources to two foundational themes. The first is the reality of the person and work of the indwelling Holy Spirit. Our condition is so desperate it was not enough for God to forgive us. He had to unzip us and get inside us, or we would not be able to do what he has called us to do. We no longer live under the control of the flesh, but by the power of the Spirit, who daily battles the flesh on our behalf. The second theme is the reality of our union with Christ. On the cross, Christ did not purchase potential save-ability. No, he took our names to the cross! His death and resurrection is efficacious; that is, it will accomplish his purposes in the lives of each of his children. Our union with him in his death and resurrection means that we do not have to obey sinful desires any longer. We can say no and go in another direction.
As we place our stories within this great story of the compassion and love of Christ, we will understand who we are and live as we were meant to live.
Every aspect of my existence was meant to be filled with the glory of God. Everything I think, every decision I make, every word I speak was meant to be shaped by a humble acknowledgement of his claim on my life. I was created to live for his glory.
The job of an ambassador is to represent someone or something. Everything he does and says must intentionally represent a leader who is not physically present. His calling is not limited to forty hours a week, to certain state events, or to times of international crisis. He is always the king’s representative.
Paul says that God has called us all to function as his ambassadors. Our lives do not belong to us for our own fulfillment. The primary issue is, “How can I best represent the King in this place, with this particular person?” This is not a part-time calling; it is a lifestyle. When an ambassador assumes his responsibilities, his life ceases to be his own. Everything he says and does has import because of the king he represents. Anything less is an affront to the king and a denial of the ambassadorial calling.
But this is where we get ourselves into trouble. We don’t really want to live as ambassadors. We would rather live as mini-kings. We know what we like and the people we want to be with. We know the kind of house we’d like to own and the car we want to drive. Without even recognizing it, we quickly fall into a “my desire, my will, and my way” lifestyle, where the things we say and do are driven by the cravings of our own hearts. If we were honest, we would have to confess that the central prayer of our hearts is “my kingdom come.”
Living a representative lifestyle can be summarized by three points of focus. As an ambassador, I will represent: 1. The message of the King. An ambassador is always asking, “What does my Lord want to communicate to this person in this situation? What truths should shape my response? What goals should motivate me?” 2. The methods of the King. Here I will ask, “How does the Lord bring change in me and in others? How did he respond to people here on earth? What responses are consistent with the goals and resources of the gospel?” 3. The character of the King. Here I ask, “Why does the Lord do what he does? How can I faithfully represent the character that motivates his redemptive work? What motives in my own heart could hinder what the Lord wants to do in this situation?”
However, one of the things you will quickly discover is that when most people seek change, they seldom have the heart in view. They want change in their circumstances, change in the other person, or change in their emotions. They think that if “things” would change, they would be better off. But when the focus is put only on the outward circumstances, the solutions are seldom more than temporary and superficial.
So, as you seek to help your friend, there are two things to hold onto. First, whatever you do must have the goal of heart change. Second, whatever you do must follow the example of the Wonderful Counselor. I want to introduce a model of personal ministry that takes both things seriously.
Love highlights the importance of relationships in the process of change. Theologians call this a covenantal model of change. God comes and makes a covenant with us. He commits himself to be our God and he takes us as his people. In the context of this relationship, he accomplishes his work of making us like him. As we understand the way God works in our own lives, we realize that relationship to him is not a luxury, but a necessity. It is the only context in which the lifelong process of change can take place. In the same way, we are called to build strong relationships with others. God’s purpose is that these relationships would be workrooms in which his work of change can thrive.
Know has to do with really getting acquainted with the people God sends our way. When you assume that you know someone, you won’t ask the critical questions you need to ask to get below the surface. We tend to think we know people because we know facts about them (who their spouse is, where they work, some likes and dislikes, their children, etc.), but we really don’t know them. Knowing a person means knowing the heart. When you say you are getting to know someone better, it’s not that you are gaining a more intimate understanding of her kneecap! You mean that you know more about her beliefs and goals, her hopes and dreams, her values and desires. If you know your friend, you will be able to predict what she will think and how she will feel in a given situation. Friendship is the connection of hearts. Hebrews 4:14–16 teaches us that Christ entered our world and lived here for thirty-three years. He faced everything we face so that we could know that he understands our struggle. So the Know function is very important, whether it involves asking good questions within a friendship or gathering data in a more formal counseling setting. The goal is to get below the surface. As you do, you can help your friend know herself more accurately and desire the deeper heart change that is God’s goal.
Speak involves bringing God’s truth to bear on this person in this situation. To do this you need to ask, “What does God want this person to see that she doesn’t see? How can I help her see it?” The Gospels are full of brilliant examples of the way Christ helped people to see the truth. Through stories and questions, he broke through their spiritual blindness and helped them see who they were and the glory of what he could do for them. Speaking the truth in love does not mean making grand pronouncements. It means helping your friend to see her life clearly. For lasting change to take place, your friend must see herself in the mirror of God’s Word. She also needs to see God and the resources for change that he has provided in Christ.
Finally, you must help your friend Do something with what she learns—to apply the insights God has given to her daily life and relationships. Insight alone is not change; it’s only the beginning. Insights about who we are, who God is, and what he has given us in Christ must be applied to the practical, specific realities of life. God calls your friend not just to be a hearer of his Word, but to be an active doer of it as well. As Christ’s ambassador, you are called to help your friend respond in personal ways to this call.
We want ministry that doesn’t demand love that is, well, so demanding! We don’t want to serve others in a way that requires so much personal sacrifice. We would prefer to lob grenades of truth into people’s lives rather than lay down our lives for them. But this is exactly what Christ did for us. Can we expect to be called to do anything less? Hear again the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 13: If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails … Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.
God’s relationship to us is loving and redemptive, and he wants our relationships to mirror those qualities. This means at least three things: 1. He has a higher goal for our relationships than our personal happiness. 2. He wants our relationships to be the context for the change he works in and through us. 3. We need to build relationships that encourage this work of change.
Sanctification is the process by which God actually makes me what he legally declared me to be in justification—holy.
What do relationships that promote personal change look like? Scripture highlights four things when it calls us to love someone in a way that promotes God’s work of heart change. Each aspect of Love promotes relationships where God’s goals are central. (See Figure 7.2.) 1. Enter the person’s world. 2. Incarnate the love of Christ. 3. Identify with suffering. 4. Accept with agenda.
When we speak to people’s real struggles, they respond, This person has heard me. This person understands me. I want more of this kind of help. This is the power of a loving relationship. So an entry gate is not the objective problem a person has encountered, but his particular experience of that problem (fear, anger, guilt, anxiety, hopelessness, aloneness, envy, discouragement, desires for vengeance, etc.).
Following the Lord’s example means that we communicate several things to a struggling person: Let the person know that you have heard her struggle. As you see the theme emerging, you need to restate it for her, ideally in her own words. In so doing you are saying, “God has sent you someone who hears you, who has begun to understand what you are going through.” Let her know that your focus is on her as a person, not just the issues she is facing. Let the person know that God is there and that he understands the struggle. Don’t do this by referring the person to a theological outline. Turn to passages of Scripture that speak to the exact thing that has her in its grip. In so doing, you accomplish two things. You help her (1) to recognize that Scripture speaks to the deepest issues of human experience and (2) to see that God meets his people most powerfully in experiences where they fear he is absent.
I fear that many of us offer care that doesn’t cure because, from the outset, our eyes are so focused on the problem that we miss the person and the struggles within. One of the most common struggles in crisis is the feeling that you are all alone. Because of this, it’s very discouraging when people throw quick answers at you and walk away. It feels as if they have quickly let go of your life and gone back to their own. This is why it is so important to incarnate God’s “I will be with you” promises from the outset. In so doing we address a theological lie, the lie that God is absent in trouble. We offer people a living, loving presence that puts real flesh and blood on the presence of the Lord.
When you seek to minister to people in this way, their hearts will respond in three ways that set the stage for more ministry—and more change—in the days ahead. 1. Horizontal trust. Often, people in difficulty do not open up easily. They are afraid of further hurt and find it difficult to entrust themselves to others. But when I can connect with the person’s real experience in the midst of a trial, I have an opportunity to engender trust. The person says to herself, He really heard me. He understands what I am going through. He appears to be a person I can trust. This willingness to trust is crucial to a relationship in which God’s work can thrive. As you seek to serve this person, you are asking her to place the “fine china” of her life in your hands. You are going to ask her to talk about the most important and sensitive issues of her life. She will only do this when she trusts you. Most of our conversations are impersonal and self-protective. We talk a lot, but without much substance. We reserve moments of personal self-disclosure for people we trust. Trust is vital in a heart-changing relationship.
The main thing they should try to accomplish in their first talk with a person is to help him to be willing to talk again. The first talk may be nothing but venting, but the second talk signifies some kind of commitment to God’s process of change. That is my goal—to encourage the person to entrust himself to him.
Perhaps their willingness to forgive you taught you more about the true nature of forgiveness than any conversation. Perhaps you learned about the resources of Christ by watching them endure great difficulty. Maybe you began to grasp the power of biblical love by watching them love someone who was quite unlovable. Perhaps they stood as evidence that the promises of God were true as you saw them fulfilled in their lives. Maybe it was their willingness to stand with you for the long haul that gave you strength to continue. If you stop to reflect on these people, you will quickly recognize that their ministry was made up of more than words. As Christ’s ambassadors, it’s not just what we say that God uses to encourage change in people; it’s also who we are and what we do. During his ministry on earth, Jesus said, “If you have trouble believing what I say, then look at the things I have done. They are all the evidence that you need” (paraphrase of passages like John 14:11). As ambassadors, we are not only called to speak the truth but to be real, living, flesh-and- blood illustrations of it. We are not just God’s spokespersons; we are examples. We are not simply God’s mouthpieces; we are his evidence. Our lives testify to the power of his grace to transform hearts. It is seen in the way we display the love God has shown to us.
Here Paul uses the metaphor of clothing—the thing that covers us, identifies us, and describes our function. Paul is reminding us that what we “wear” (that is, the character qualities we put on) to moments of ministry is as important as what we say. The list of character traits Paul gives is a summary of the character of Christ. Paul is saying, “If you are going to be involved in what God is doing in others, come dressed for the job!”
In personal ministry, the sin of the person you are helping will eventually be revealed in your relationship. If you are ministering to an angry person, at some point that anger will be directed at you. If you are helping a person who struggles with trust, at some point she will distrust you. A manipulative person will seek to manipulate you. A depressed person will tell you he tried everything you’ve suggested and it didn’t work. You can’t stand next to a puddle without eventually being splashed by its mud!
The comforting reality is that he is working on us both! We need to be aware of our reactions to the people we serve. They will sin against us in the same way they have sinned against others. One of the most loving things we can do is to be committed to humble self-examination: How do we respond when sinned against? As the person’s sins become part of our experience, are we demonstrating the power of Christ’s grace? Are we incarnating Christ as we deal with sin?
The goals we lay out for people can seem unrealistic. They will have trouble imagining how they could ever do these things in their present circumstances. They may be so aware of their failures that they will see God’s new way as completely impossible. Personal ministry provides a sweet opportunity to speak to this doubt and fear, not only in words, but with your life as well.
The most important encounter in ministry is not the person’s encounter with us, but his encounter with Christ. Our job is simply to set up that encounter, so that God would help people seek his forgiveness, comfort, restoration, strength, and wisdom.
Are we willing to be splashed by the mud because we find joy in serving Christ, even when we realize we have gotten dirty?
The Bible clearly declares that God is sovereign over all things—even suffering. Many of us mistakenly think that God has nothing to do with the bad things that happen in our world. Yet Scripture takes us in a completely different direction. It roots our hope in the reality that God is not the author of our suffering, but he is with us in our suffering (Ex. 4:11; 1 Sam. 2:2–7; Dan. 4:34–35; Prov. 16:9; Ps. 60:3; Isa. 45:7; Lam. 3:28; Amos 3:6; Acts 4:27–28; Eph. 1:11).
The Bible clearly says that God is good. It is faulty thinking to say that a truly good God would never allow a person to suffer, or that if God really loved you, he wouldn’t let x happen to you. The Bible declares that an infinitely good God is in the middle of our most painful experiences (Ps. 25:7–8; 34:8–10; 33:5; 100:5; 136; 145:4–9).
The Bible clearly says that God has a purpose for our suffering. The Bible doesn’t present suffering as a hindrance to our redemption, but as a tool God uses to work his redemptive purpose in us (Rom. 8:17; 2 Cor. 1:3–6; Phil. 2:5–9; James 1:2–8; 5:10–11; 1 Peter).
The Bible explains the ultimate reasons why we suffer.
The Bible is clear that God’s sovereignty over suffering never: • Means the suffering isn’t real (2 Cor. 1:3–9; 4:1–16). • Excuses the evildoer (Habakkuk; Acts 2:22–24; 3:14–23).
You are a sufferer who has been called by God to minister to others in pain. Suffering is not only the common ground of human relationships, but one of God’s most useful workrooms. As God’s ambassadors, we need to learn how to identify with those who suffer. We do this by learning from the example of the Wonderful Counselor in passages such as Hebrews 2:10–12. In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering. Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers. He says, “I will declare your name to my brothers; in the presence of the congregation I will sing your praises.” This passage is about how Christ, “the author of our salvation,” identifies with us. It tells us that we are in the same family as Christ. This family is more than the family of man. The author of Hebrews is pointing to a very specific shared identity. We are with Christ in the family of those who suffer. We must not forget that we serve a Suffering Savior. We do not seek help from someone who cannot understand our experience. Jesus is compassionate and understanding. He can help us because he is like us.
Our service must not have an “I stand above you as one who has arrived” character. It flows out of a humble recognition that we share an identity with those we serve. God has not completed his work in me, either. We are brothers and sisters in the middle of God’s lifelong process of change. I am not anyone’s guru. Change will not happen simply because someone is exposed to my wisdom and experience. We share identity, we share experience, and we are of the same family. This posture is essential for God-honoring personal ministry. First, it recognizes that God sends people my way, not only so that they will change, but so that I will too. The Wonderful Counselor is working on everyone in the room.
Verse 10 says something very interesting (and a bit confusing) about Christ. It says that, like us, he was made perfect through suffering. The writer is making a connection between Christ’s life and ours. If we understand it, we will gain a better understanding of how he has called us to minister to others. How did suffering make Christ perfect? Wasn’t he already perfect? What did his suffering on earth (the same process we go through daily) add to his perfection? Scripture teaches that Christ had lived in eternity as the perfect Son of God, yet something was needed before he, as the Son of Man, could go to the cross as the perfect Lamb for sacrifice. He had to live on earth as the Second Adam, enduring the full range of experiences, tests, and temptations that make up life in the fallen world. The first Adam had failed the test, so Christ had to face sin and suffering throughout his whole life without sinning. So how was Christ made perfect? Not only by being the perfect Son of God, but by proving himself to be the perfect Son of Man. His perfection successfully endured the test of suffering. The author of Hebrews is suggesting that there is a direct analogy between Christ’s life and ours. Just as Christ was declared perfect in eternity, we are declared perfect in Christ (justification). And just as Christ’s suffering demonstrated his righteousness on earth, we also become holy through the process of suffering (sanctification). We are being made perfect through the same process that Christ went through!
My story is a small chapter in the grand story of redemption, and Christ is on center stage. My story is much more about him than it is about me. In this way even my failures result in his glory. In my own weakness, foolishness, and inability, I have learned the truthfulness of his promises and the reality of his presence. This makes my story a vehicle of change in the lives of others. It makes my life a window to the glory of Christ. Often people look at us and want to be like us.
Real comfort is more than thinking the right things in times of trouble. It involves having my identity rooted in something deeper than my relationships, possessions, achievements, wealth, health, or my ability to figure it all out. Real comfort is found when I understand that I am held in the hollow of the hand of the One who created and rules all things. The most valuable thing in my life is God’s love, a love that no one can take away.
The Bible tells us again and again that everything around us is in the process of being taken away. God and his love are all that remain as cultures and kingdoms rise and fall. Comfort is found by sinking our roots into the unseen reality of God’s ever-faithful love.
If we are members of his family and partakers of his divine nature, increasingly conformed to his image, we should be marked by our compassion. We should be more than theological answer machines. Because of our connection to the Father, we can bring comfort to a world where suffering is a constant reality. We should weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn, and so incarnate the One who is compassion.
True hope is not rooted in my achievements or assets, but in my knowledge that I am the child of the King. He loves me with a love that nothing can take away. He has given me his forgiving and empowering grace. He is daily changing and maturing me. He has promised to give me whatever I need to face what comes my way. And he has promised that I will live with him forever in a place without suffering, sorrow, or sin. This means that in the most difficult moments of my life, nothing truly permanent or valuable is at stake. What I really live for is safe and secure. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that I am in the family of God, eternally loved and cared for by him. This is real hope.
How can I tell my story in a way that gives hope, rooted in the reality of Christ’s presence and love?”
If God wants to use your suffering and his comfort to encourage others, how can you tell your story to accomplish this goal?
As you tell your story, be honest in describing your struggles and failures. Your story must highlight God’s grace in your weakness, not your heroic faith. Be willing to expose your sin so that the redemptive glory of the Lord would live in the ears of the listener.
Tell your story with humility, admitting your continuing need for grace. Sometimes we have a way of telling our story that has a “good student learning the ultimate lesson” character to it. It communicates spiritual “arrival” rather than continuing need.
Suffering gives people who have been jolted out of their comfortable lifestyle a reason to stop, look, and listen. It can help them move out of the confines of their self-absorbed world into the grandeur of a world where God is central, where hope is rooted in things that cannot be seen.
Think about it. Most of the conversations you had today were mundane and rather self-protective. We spend most of our time talking about things that are of little personal consequence—the weather, politics, sports, and entertainment. There is nothing wrong with this except that it allows us to hide who we really are. A person may be terribly distraught about her marriage, yet when people ask how she is, she will quickly answer, “Fine, how are you?” The person asking doesn’t really want to know and the person answering doesn’t really want to tell. They are co-conspirators in a casual relationship. Whether it is over the back of a pew, in passing at a school function, or over the phone, we are all skilled at newsy but personally protective conversations. There are many reasons why our relationships are trapped in the casual. One is that, in our busyness, we despair of squeezing ten dollar conversations into ten cent moments. There are times when we would like to tell our story, but there doesn’t seem to be an opportunity to do so. We all deal with the disconnect between our public reputation and our private struggles. We wonder what people would think if they really knew us. Another reason we keep things casual is that we buy the lie that we are unique and struggle in ways that no one else does. We get tricked by people’s public personas and forget that behind closed doors they live real lives just like us.
Another reason we rarely talk beyond a casual level is because we do not see. The Bible has much to say about how blind we are. Sin is deceitful, causing us to see others with a greater clarity than we see ourselves. Because we tend to believe our own arguments and buy into our own excuses, we are often unaware of how great our need for help really is. We can’t bare what we don’t see. We think we are okay but wonder how the person next to us can be so unaware of his own sin. This not only distorts our perspective on ourselves, but shapes the way we tell our story to others. It may even lead us to question whether we need to tell our story at all.
You cannot minister well to someone you do not know.
We too must be committed to entering their worlds. We can begin by taking the time to ask good questions and listen well.
Entering a person’s world enables us to apply the truths of the gospel in a way that is situation- and person-specific.
When you assume, you do not ask. If you do not ask, you open yourself up to a world of invalid conclusions and misunderstandings.
Always ask people to define their terms (What?). Human language is messy. The more a word is used, the more nuances of meaning it takes on. We will speak with people who use very familiar words, but with very different functional definitions. For example, when a woman says that she and her husband had a huge fight last night, you should not assume that you understand what she means. If you do not ask her to define “huge fight,” you have simply reached into your own experience to define it. In doing so, you may have created a subtle but important area of misunderstanding that could affect the counsel you give her.
If point 1 asked for their personal dictionary definition, then point 2 asks people to play us the video. The terms people use are verbal shorthand for significant situations. I want the woman to walk me through, step by step, what happened during the “huge fight” with her husband last night. Listening to her account will make my understanding concrete and personalized, and give me a sense of the drama and emotions of the moment. Always ask people to explain why they responded as they did in the examples they have given you (Why?). Now you not only have a definition and a concrete situation, but you can begin to get a little bit of the heart behind the person’s behavior. Ask the person to share her reasons, values, purposes, and desires. You are asking her to step back and evaluate what was behind the words she said, the choices she made, and the things she did. In so doing, you are taking the camera off the scene and putting it on the person.
When I ask you questions you would never ask yourself, I am teaching you to view yourself through biblical lenses. I am doing something God can use to change you in fundamental ways. Perhaps my questions will help you see yourself more accurately.
The closed question (leading to a yes or no answer) can lead to misunderstandings because it forces you to fall back on your own assumptions about why the person answered as she did.
Because of this, we all need people who love us enough to ask, listen, and, having listened, to ask more.
Why would God put the world’s most significant, demanding, and difficult human relationship (marriage) smack dab in the middle of the world’s most important process (sanctification)? If he did it so that people would realize their individual dreams, it would have made sense to get them fully sanctified before facing the trials of marriage. But God hasn’t made a mistake. He is working on a greater dream, so he tries and troubles us. He lets our dreams slip through our fingers so that as we learn to love each other, we grow more deeply in love with him.
Because the Bible tells us that people live out of their hearts, we are always interested in how the heart’s thoughts and cravings are revealed by the choices people make and the things they say and do.
The first step in making sense of things is to organize the information into simple biblical categories. This step is like sorting laundry or assembling a puzzle. When we have finished the task, we can step back and ask, “Where does the Bible say that change needs to take place in this person, in this situation?”
You can’t fully understand what people are thinking unless you know what they feel as well. Our feelings express our reactions to our interpretations—and we turn around and interpret our feelings as well.
Leviticus 19:15–18 discusses God’s intentions for this aspect of relationships and personal ministry. Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly. Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life. I am the LORD. Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt. Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.
The foundation of the Second Great Command is the First Great Command—you cannot love your neighbor as yourself if you do not first love God above all else.
True love is not offensively intrusive or rude. But the Bible repudiates covering sin with a facade of silence. It teaches that those who love will speak, even if it creates tense, upsetting moments. If we love people and want God’s best for them, how can we stand by as they wander away? How can we let them deceive themselves with excuses, blame, and rationalizations?
Too often we forget that there is nothing more wonderful than to be Christ’s ambassadors. We participate in the most important work of the universe.
Everything we are and have belongs to him, and we will find our greatest joy in relationships when we recognize that they, too, belong to him. We are the Lord’s. They are the Lord’s. The situation is the Lord’s. Loving confrontation is rooted in an awareness that we are God’s children, and our goal is to be active in his purposes for us. To do less is to forget who we are.
My job is to hold the mirror of the Word of God in front of him so that he can see himself accurately.
None of us thinks in a purely biblical way. We hold distorted, self-aggrandizing, or self-excusing perspectives on God, others, and ourselves. We fail to properly understand our past and present, and all this shapes our behavior. Emotional thinking. We don’t do our best thinking in the middle of suffering, difficulty, and distress. We don’t think clearly when our emotions are raging. We forget what we’ve learned about God and ourselves when we find ourselves in trouble. It is a sweet grace to have someone come alongside us and help us remember what we need to remember. My view of life (God, self, others, the solution) tends to be shaped by my experiences. Because I am the one who interprets my experiences, my conclusions will be reinforced by each new situation. I will interpret each new circumstance in a way that convinces me that I am right in my way of looking at things, oblivious to the impact of spiritual blindness, sinful desires, and wrong thinking. I need the intervention of truth from someone who really loves me, who can confront and correct the distortions in my view of life. Our loving, honest rebuke can be equal to these challenges only if we pursue two goals. The first is to be used as one of God’s instruments of seeing in the lives of others. I am not trying to advance my own opinion. I want to help people see themselves in the mirror of God’s Word. I want to help them see what God sees. The second goal is to be used by God as an agent of repentance. The biblical definition of repentance is a change of heart that leads to a change in the direction of my life. Joel 2:12–13 pictures this as not rending the garments (the external behavior of remorse in Old Testament culture), but rending the heart (heartfelt remorse for my sin accompanied by a desire to change). Our goal is not to pressure people into behavioral changes, but to encourage heart change that impacts the life.
My goal is that through the things I say (message), the way I say them (methods), and the attitudes I express (character), God will change the heart of this person.
Yet Paul says (Romans 2:4) that it is God’s kindness (goodness) that leads us to repentance. He also says (2 Corinthians 5:14) that it is the love of Christ that compels us to no longer live for ourselves, but for him. The grace of the gospel is what turns our hearts, because the gospel is God’s magnificent promise of forgiveness in Christ. This draws us out of hiding into the light of truth, where true confession and repentance can take place.
Our goal is to encourage people to look at their behavior and examine their hearts with biblical eyes.
Five questions can help people see what God wants them to see. The order is important because it teaches us to think biblically about why we do the things we do and how God changes us.
If people do not see things at this level, they may decide to do some things differently, but in their hearts they will still be convinced that most change needs to take place outside them. The change will be temporary, because it is not rooted in the heart.
The Wonderful Counselor is a jealous god. He is not satisfied with the outside of the dish being polished when the inside is left unchanged (Matthew 23:25). Biblical personal ministry always moves toward issues of glory and worship. The most basic question in all personal ministry is, “For whose glory are you living?”
It can be helpful to have people respond to these questions in journal form. I typically ask people to identify two or three situations or relationships that are a regular source of struggle. I then ask them to journal about those struggles using the five questions listed above for two or three weeks. Then I take the journal and read it, highlighting themes and patterns. The next time we meet, I return the journal and ask them to read it in my presence and respond. Again and again, God has used this simple method to open people’s eyes to what is going on in their hearts.
Therefore, we should never assume that people are confessing to the Lord, nor should we allow our words of confrontation to do their confession for them. We should call people to confession that is not weakened by “buts” and “if onlys.” Confession reminds people that their hearts and lives belong to the Lord, and misplaced worship lies beneath sins of behavior. True confession flows out of worship and results in a deeper, fuller worship of God.
If we want our words to be instruments of change in confrontation, we need a sense of direction. These four steps provide a road map. 1. Consideration. What does God want the person to see? 2. Confession. What does God want the person to admit and confess? 3. Commitment. To what new ways of living is God calling this person? 4. Change. How should these new commitments be applied to daily living?
For example, when Paul instructs members of the body to minister to one another, he says, “Speak the truth [content] in love [method].” The two are equally important. Truth that is not spoken in love ceases to be truth because it is twisted by other human agendas. Love that is not guided by truth ceases to be love because it is divorced from God’s agenda.
Another example of interactive confrontation is found in 2 Samuel 12:1–7. The LORD sent Nathan to David. When he came to him, he said, “There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him. “Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.” David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the LORD lives, the man who did this deserves to die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.” Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man!” Nathan was called to confront the king with his murder and adultery, but he did not burst into the throne room and read off a list of charges. His goal was to help David see what he had done and lead him to repentance, so the way he confronted David looks very different from what we often do.
There is no evidence that Nathan enters the throne room with flashing eyes, bulging veins, pointed finger, and words blazing. (“David, you are a murderer and adulterer!”) In fact, you might find Nathan’s patient manner unsettling.
Nathan stands before David and tells him a story, an extended metaphor crafted to open the eyes of David’s heart.
In Nathan’s interactive style of confrontation, the focus is on the story, with the goal of stimulating David to see what he has not seen.
Notice that the story is short on details, yet very specific in application. The story is not the goal; it is a means to the goal. It must be pointed enough to cut through layers of blindness and expose the heart.
In truth speaking, the principle is to start with interaction. This includes: Two-way communication. The person being confronted must be invited to talk. This is the only way to know if he has understood what you are pointing out; if he has owned what needs to be admitted and confessed; and if he is committed to new ways of living. Use of metaphor: A metaphor is a familiar thing used to communicate a less familiar idea. God employs an extensive list of metaphors to help us see and know him. Metaphors such as rock, fortress, sun, shield, door, and light teach us that God is solid, stable, unmoved, unchanging, someone upon which we can stand. In confrontation, we want to find things in a person’s life that illustrate truths or reveal sins he needs to see. We need to ask the question, “What do I know about this person’s background, job, interests, and experiences that can provide metaphors for me to use?”
The difficulties now, the suffering now, the disappointments now, and the blessings now are all preparation for the wedding then.
Your now response will be shaped by a then perspective.
For many people, it is much easier to know what is wrong than how to change it. I may have confessed a selfish, idolatrous heart and seen its fruit in my relationship with my wife. But it will be harder for me to think clearly and creatively about how to repent and actually love her in specific ways. I may understand the major themes of Scripture, but I may not know how to use them in certain situations and relationships. We all need people to stand alongside us as we apply God’s Word to our lives.
What does the Bible say about the information that has been gathered? This is not simply asking, “Where can I find a verse on (blank)?” We want to examine things through the lens of the great themes of Scripture, to understand how a distinctively biblical worldview shapes our response to the issues in the person’s life. We are asking, “What has God taught, promised, commanded, warned, encouraged, and done that addresses this situation?” This protects our ministry from personal bias, unbiblical thinking, and a crisis-driven impulsivity that can lead us into trouble.
What are God’s goals for change for this person in this situation? This question applies God’s call to “put off” and “put on” (Ephesians 4:22–24) to the specifics of a person’s thoughts, motives, and behavior. What does God want her to think, desire, and do? Answering these questions marks out our destination. At this point, we need to recognize that our agenda will not always be the same as the Lord’s. For example, I may not want what God wants for the child abuser I am helping. I may not want what God wants for an incredibly self-absorbed person who is bitter at the world. I may not want what God wants for the angry person whose anger has spilled over onto me. I may be a Jonah who resents God’s mercy to the modern day Ninevites he calls me to serve. Asking this question keeps me from confusing God’s agenda with my own. I cannot lead a person if I don’t know where we are going, and I must only lead people where God is calling them. This question takes the general commands, themes, perspectives, and principles of Scripture and fashions them into specific steps of change.
The Christian life can really be boiled down to two words: trust and obey. I must always entrust the things that are out of my control to God (Circle of Concern), and I must always be faithful to obey his clear and specific commands
All of this is important in times of change because we always live out of some kind of identity, and the identities we assign ourselves powerfully influence our responses to life. As people pursue the process of lifelong change, they need to live out of a gospel identity.
There is a radical difference between saying, “I am a depressed person,” and saying, “I am a child of God ‘in Christ’ and I tend to struggle with depression.” The second statement does not pretend that the war isn’t raging, but it is infused with hope.
It is never a waste of time to remind people of who they are in Christ. Doing so stimulates hope, courage, and faith.
When we see Christians who do not exhibit Christian character or produce good fruit, we ought to ask why. What is missing? Peter’s answer is, “These people have forgotten who they are”. They have lost sight of their identity in Christ, so they do not realize the resources that are theirs. Because of this, they fail to live with hope, faith, and courage. Their problems worsen and new layers of difficulty are added. This heightens their potential to walk through life with a problem-based identity.
Their sense of who they are has usually been shaped by their problems.
God calls us to the same ministry by the power of the same Holy Spirit. He calls us to stand with people as they step out in faith, obedience, and courage. This is the ministry of accountability. It is not about lying in wait to catch them doing wrong. The purpose of accountability is to assist people to do what is right for the long run. It provides a presence that keeps them responsible, aware, determined, and alert until they are able to be on their own. It directs eyes that have just begun to see, and strengthens weak knees and feeble arms. We seek to encourage flagging faith and to keep God’s goals before people’s eyes.
Biblical accountability is not fearful, abusive, or intrusive. It is loving, sacrificial, ambassadorial, incarnational, and holy.
Truth #1. We need God and his truth to live as we were meant to live (Genesis 1:26; 2 Timothy 3:16–17).
Truth #2. Each of us has been called by God to be his instruments of change in the lives of others, beginning with our families and the church (Ephesians 4:11–16; Colosians 3:15–17).
Truth #3. Our behavior is rooted in the thoughts and motives of our hearts. People and situations only prompt our hearts to express themselves in words and actions (Proverbs 4:23; Luke 6:43–45; Mark 7:20–23; Matthew 23:25; James 4:1–10).
Truth #4. Christ has called us to be his ambassadors, following his message, methods, and character (2 Corinthians 5:14–21).
Truth #5. Being an instrument of change involves incarnating the love of Christ by sharing in people’s struggles, identifying with their suffering, and extending God’s grace as we call them to change.
Truth #6. Being an instrument of change means seeking to know people by guarding against false assumptions, asking good questions, and interpreting information in a distinctly biblical way (Proverbs 20:5; Hebrews 4:14–16).
Truth #7. Being an instrument of change means speaking the truth in love. With the gospel as our comfort and call, we can help people see themselves in God’s Word and lead them to repentance (Romans 8:1–17; Galatians 6:1–2; James 1:22–25). When we confront people with the truth, we want to be instruments of seeing and agents of repentance.
Truth #8. Being an instrument of change means helping people do what God calls them to do by clarifying responsibility, offering loving accountability, and reminding them of their identity in Christ (Philippians 2:1–14; 2 Peter 1:3–9; 1 John 3:1–3; Galatians 6:2).
Lastly, we encourage change by helping people live out of an accurate sense of their identity as the children of God, with all the rights and privileges that this identity entails.
First, I am hit with the utter simplicity of biblical personal ministry. It is not a secret technology for the intervention elite, but a simple call to every one of God’s children to be part of what God is doing in the lives of others. It is living in humble, honest, redemptive community with others, loving as Christ has loved, and going beyond the casual to really know people. It is loving others enough to speak the truth to them, helping them to see themselves in the mirror of God’s Word. And it is standing with others, helping them to do what God has called them to do. It is basically just a call to biblical friendship! It is almost embarrassingly simple: Love people. Know them. Speak truth into their lives. Help them do what God has called them to do.