Intended for Pleasure

By Ed Wheat M.D., Gaye Wheat, and Dennis Rainey

The message, in brief, is this: You have God\u2019s permission to enjoy sex within your marriage. He invented sex; He thought it up to begin with. You can learn to enjoy it, and, husbands, you can develop a thrilling, happy marriage with \u201cthe wife of your youth.\u201d

The ancient counsel given by father to son, based on the wisdom of God in Proverbs 5:18\u201319, comes across just as clearly to the reader of today: \u201cLet your fountain [your body parts that produce life] be blessed, and rejoice [or ecstatically delight] with the wife of your youth. . . . Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured [or filled] with her love\u201d.

It may surprise some of you to learn that the Bible speaks so openly, so joyously of sex in marriage. Almost every book of the Bible has something to say about sex, and Song of Solomon exquisitely depicts the love relationship in marriage. But Genesis, the book of beginnings, shows us most unforgettably what God has always thought about married love. If we read the first three chapters of Genesis, where it is recorded that God created male and female, we find that \u201cGod saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good\u201d (Genesis 1:31). Interestingly, the creation of light was \u201cgood,\u201d the creation of land and sea was \u201cgood,\u201d and, likewise, the creation of vegetation, of fish and birds and animals was also \u201cgood.\u201d But not until he had created man and woman did God call for our attention with \u201cBehold, it was very good.\u201d With so many \u201cgood\u201d things in the Garden and on earth, only one thing was not good: \u201cAnd the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone.

God placed almost top priority on sexual union in marriage. We can see in the Genesis account that after God told man not to learn evil by experience (Genesis 2:17), His second teaching told man and woman how to relate in marriage: \u201cTherefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh\u201d (Genesis 2:24).

First, when we marry, we should stop being dependent on our parents or our in-laws. We are to become completely dependent on our mates to satisfy all our needs. Second, the man is the one who is responsible for holding the marriage together by \u201ccleaving\u201d to his wife. Cleaving in this sense means to be welded inseparably, so that each becomes a part of the other. Therefore, the man is to be totally committed to his one wife. Third, we are commanded to be joined together in sexual union, to be one flesh.

The sex relationship God had designed for them brought the blessings of companionship, unity, and delight\u2014and note that this was some time before the command to bear children was given (Genesis 3:16).

Scripture suggests that just as we can know God, so we can know our husband or wife in a deeper, higher, more intimate way through the physical act of marriage. Know is the term used in the Bible to define our relationship to God; it also is the term used to designate the intimate union of husband and wife. \u201cAdam knew Eve\u201d (Genesis 4:1). Mary, speaking of her pregnancy in light of her virginity, said, \u201cHow shall this be, seeing I know not a man?\u201d (Luke 1:34). Matthew 1:25 says that Joseph \u201cknew her not\u201d until after the birth of Christ. The sex relationship offers no more cherished pleasure than this knowing of the one you love.

God\u2019s viewpoint comes forth vigorously in 1 Corinthians 7:3\u20135 where the husband and wife are told they actually defraud (apostereo, the strongest New Testament Greek word meaning to cheat somebody out of something that is rightfully theirs) one another when they refuse to give physical pleasure and satisfaction to their mate. The only activity that is to break regular sexual relations is prayer and fasting for some specific cause, and this is to be only by mutual consent for a very limited time.

When Sarah heard that she was going to become pregnant at ninety years of age, she laughed and then made this statement to herself: \u201cAfter I have grown old, shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?\u201d (Genesis 18:12). Sarah was given to us as an example of one of the most godly women (1 Peter 3:6), and one of her secret concerns was whether the sexual union between her and Abraham in their golden years would produce pleasurable feelings. It is God\u2019s will and design, both then and now, that the sexual experience for a man and woman in marriage produce wonderful feelings, for God intended sexual relations for our great pleasure.

1. Reserve funds to allow for a few weeks of uninterrupted time for a honeymoon. \u201cWhen a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken\u201d (Deuteronomy 24:5).

Never plan on getting married just before entering college or graduate school or starting a new business, when the demand on your time and efforts will be so great.

2. Borrow no money. \u201cOwe no man any thing, but to love one another\u201d (Romans 13:8). Borrowing money before marriage or soon after is like adding another phrase to the marriage vows: \u201cTill debt do us part.\u201d

3. Be independent of in-laws. Leave father and mother. \u201cFor this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh\u201d (Ephesians 5:31). However, you should not marry without their approval. \u201cChildren, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right\u201d (Ephesians 6:1).

Separating from parents physically, emotionally, and financially is the best possible way to begin a new social unit.

4. Declare a moratorium on media for at least one year. \u201cYe husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife. . . . Be ye all of one mind\u201d (1 Peter 3:7\u20138). I used to say simply, \u201cDo not get a TV set for at least one year.\u201d This was one of the most surprising things that young people heard from me. It may sound absurd. But did you know that television can be the greatest, most subtle thief of your time? It will steal away those moments that you should be devoting to your mate and, later, to your family.

First, study the Scripture, then study your wife. Dwell with her. Be totally at ease together, with full knowledge of each other. This is what marriage is all about.

5. Never go to bed with an unreconciled relationship. \u201cLet not the sun go down upon your wrath\u201d (Ephesians 4:26). \u201cForgive as the Lord forgave you\u201d (Colossians 3:13).

Resolve negative attitudes toward each other by the end of the day or do not go to bed until you do.

6. Seek outside spiritual counsel if unable to resolve a major conflict within one week.

7. Seek counsel if the wife is consistently unable to attain good sexual release. \u201cLet the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other\u201d (1 Corinthians 7:3\u20135).

8. Have Bible study together every day.

9. The husband must be 100 percent committed to loving his wife. The wife must be 100 percent committed to being submissive (Ephesians 5). As the husband loves his wife, she is willing to be submissive to him. As the wife submits to her husband, his love for her will surely grow. Do not marry someone who is not a Christian (2 Corinthians 6:14). Only when a person trusts in our Lord Jesus Christ alone for salvation can that person be considered a Christian (Acts 4:12). Only when submitting to Christ can anyone live the lifestyle of submission (1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:21).

Submission that a wife gives her husband is a free gift that springs up from within the wife like life-giving water bubbling up from a fresh well, not something imposed through intimidation or other outside force. Submission is the most important gift a wife can give her husband. A responsive and receptive wife willingly demonstrates that she surrenders her freedom for his love, adoration, protection, and provision.

10. The husband is to be head of his wife. \u201cBut I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God\u201d (1 Corinthians 11:3).

11. \u201cAnd the wife see that she reverence her husband\u201d (Ephesians 5:33). What does it mean to reverence the husband? It means to give him respect. Men, it is difficult for your wife to respect you, if you are not respectable.

Remember that the only course on marriage most children will ever take is the one in their home! As fathers and mothers in a Christian home, we can provide the best in marriage preparation for our children by having a genuine love for each other and by learning all we can about how to express that love so our children will have a visible, ongoing demonstration of real love.

Perhaps part of the problem is a lack of commitment to commitment.

In other words, when we go into marriage, it should be with the conviction that there is no way out. Then both partners will be committed to making the marriage a success. But far too many couples come to the painful point of admitting, \u201cWe don\u2019t love each other anymore.\u201d When they say it, they assume, of course, that the marriage must be over. This attitude indicates that the couple had a misplaced confidence in the world\u2019s vague idea of love and suggests that God\u2019s way of loving never existed in their marriage in the first place. The fact is, the Bible gives no indication that the feeling the world calls love is to be the foundation for marriage. A marriage built entirely on this feeling will be characterized by fluctuating feelings as the circumstances change.

Commitment is the bond; the feeling of love is the result. The feeling comes because of the fact of commitment through every changing circumstance. Marriage does not necessarily make people happy. But people can make their marriage a happy one by giving to each other, working together, serving together, and growing together. Or they can allow the marriage to disintegrate by not doing these things.

Where the feelings of love have departed, all the unhappy emotions\u2014anger, guilt, hurt, resentment, or bitterness\u2014are sure to be lurking in the shadows.

Let it begin with you. Start by admitting that your loss of love is a result of wanting to receive rather than wanting to give. Recognize that you can be the instrument through whom God will communicate His love to your partner. Pray and commit yourself to this. Thank God in advance for the supernatural agape love that will flow through you as He promised. This love, which must be learned, which starts in the mind, which is subject to the will, not the emotions, always results in action. Love becomes something we do, before it is something we feel. Thus we choose to demonstrate and initiate love.

How we show our love is vitally important. God has given certain specific guidelines on the parts the husband and wife each are to have in the marriage relationship. The husband, according to Scripture, is the leader and the lover, while the wife is the helper and the responder. This intertwining nature of love and response or submission, which is so crucial, may become obscured during times of culturally mandated change. God has designed the relationship of husband and wife with an understanding of their unique strengths and differences, so that the husband delights in loving a wife who is submissive and responsive a wife gladly submits to a husband who loves in God's way. But neither can demand the appropriate response from the other. It must be a gift.

The husband must be 100 percent committed to loving his wife. \u201cHusbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it\u201d (Ephesians 5:25). The wife must be 100 percent committed to being submissive to her husband. \u201cTherefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing" (Ephesians 5:24).

Therefore the wise husband who truly loves his wife will maturely shoulder his responsibilities. The wise wife who truly loves her husband will not demand her rights when he asks something of her. If she maturely loves her husband, she will not need to try to defend her self-image. She will seek to please. In fact she will try to please her husband creatively and do his will, even before he asks\u2014just as the husband will look for creative ways to express his love to her, even before she shows any obvious need for reassurance.

You have been instructed in Ephesians 5 to give yourself sacrificially to your wife, in the same way that Christ gave Himself to the church. In other words, He loved the church enough to die for her. How often does a husband affirm that he would give his life to save the life of his wife in a moment of danger and yet he does not have time to give himself daily to her emotional, physical, and spiritual needs!

Now, husband, how do you initiate love? Coming home from work you can either be grumpy from the day\u2019s pressures or you can come into the house cheerfully and with an attitude of concern and respect for what your wife has experienced during the day. A wise friend says he has picked a certain stoplight between his office and home where he dumps his office problems and tensions and refuses to pick them up again until the next day. To bring problems home with you and then seek escape through various media does not demonstrate love for your wife.

People often complain about the undesirable qualities in their mate, while overlooking those qualities that originally attracted them. Agape love in marriage expresses by word and action, thought and prayer, the deepest appreciation for your partner, with the intense awareness of her needs and longings, past, present, and future. Love in action on the part of both marriage partners involves physical touching. In fact because the greatest desire of love is to find an answering love, there is nothing that can so quickly build the intense feeling of love in marriage than repeatedly reaching out to a responding partner, and having that one lovingly reach back to you with tender touching\u2014both of you gently drawing closer and closer, cuddling and snuggling and fondling.

The renewal of love starts with a choice of the will, a commitment to love, followed by actions that demonstrate loving concern, and the feeling of love naturally follows.

Remember that it is easier to change actions than it is to change feelings.

The first response to sexual stimulation in a woman is the lubrication of the vagina, which occurs within ten to thirty seconds in the younger woman and within one to three minutes in the older woman. Sexual excitement causes the walls of the upper vagina to be covered with beads of lubricant, like moisture on a cold glass. This prepares the vagina for an easier insertion of the penis.

Knowing the precise location of this natural lubrication can enhance sexual pleasure during the excitement phase. The knowledgeable husband will gently reach up into the vagina and bring lubricant down to the clitoral area for more enjoyable stimulation. Remember, if the wife is lying on her back, all the lubricant will remain in the upper vagina, unless it is brought down. Adequate vaginal lubrication is absolutely essential for pleasure during intercourse. If it is not present, the husband will need to apply some form of artificial lubricant, obtainable at any drugstore or supermarket. Be sure to apply the lubricant to the head of the penis and to the outside of the vagina before penetration. The nursing mother should be aware that her capacity to lubricate may be restricted because of low estrogen levels. This vaginal dryness usually persists as long as she continues to nurse, requiring the use of an artificial lubricant with every intercourse.

Statistically, at the time of their first intercourse, 50 percent of brides experience some pain, but not enough to complain about; 20 percent say they have no pain at all; and 30 percent experience rather severe pain.

If the pelvic examination reveals a thick or tight hymen, the prospective bride may wish to have this tissue stretched, so there will be less difficulty and discomfort during the first intercourse. She may use her own fingers to stretch the hymen, according to the physician\u2019s instructions; or she may ask for exact instructions of how her husband can carefully stretch the hymen on their wedding night before intercourse. I believe it is best for the prospective bride to devote a few moments each day for two to four weeks before the wedding in stretching the vaginal opening, so that her initial sexual experience with her husband will be as pleasant and painless as possible.

The husband should keep in mind that most pain occurs from entering too quickly, not allowing enough time for the muscles around the vagina to relax. At the time of first intercourse, the husband should not persist in striving to bring his wife to orgasm with his penis in the vagina. If she has some soreness, there is no reason to make this worse. After the penis is inserted, the husband should have his orgasm quickly, withdraw the penis, and stimulate his wife\u2019s clitoral area gently with his fingers to bring her to orgasm. The husband\u2019s tender care of his wife at this crucial time will do much to help her develop trust in him, so that in the weeks to come, she will be able to totally relax and let herself go in the enjoyment of his lovemaking.

The husband\u2019s purpose on the wedding night should be to develop emotional intimacy through physical closeness.

Most urinary tract infections in women occur within forty-eight hours after sexual relations. Voiding within a few minutes after intercourse is important, since this helps rid the urethra of bacteria. Bladder urine is usually sterile and the voiding of urine cleanses the urethral mechanism.

The essential anatomical fact a couple must learn is the exact location of the clitoris. This can be most precisely determined during the time of sexual arousal by sensitively placing well-lubricated fingertips alongside the shaft of the clitoris, as it extends upward onto the pelvic bone. You will be able to feel it as you move your fingers back and forth the length of the shaft. Also move your fingers across the shaft from side to side. It is similar to rolling your fingers across a very small telephone cord. Persistent, loving, gentle, sensitive, well-lubricated stimulation along this clitoral shaft will bring almost any wife to orgasm within three to twenty minutes. As orgasm is approached, the tempo of the stimulation needs to increase. When the clitoris is first stimulated in foreplay, very light, gentle, slow caressing usually gives the most satisfaction. In a few seconds, the glans may become overly sensitive or even irritated, and stroking farther up on the shaft, or at the side of the shaft, will give a more pleasurable sensation. When the glans of the clitoris is feeling overly sensitive, the wife may prefer to be stimulated in an entirely different area, such as the breast or the inner thighs, before returning to stimulation of the clitoral area.

Since these lips are connected directly above the clitoris, when the penis moves in the vagina and against these delicate lips, there is friction, tugging, and pulling, which carries sensation to the clitoris. Thus, direct stimulation of the clitoris is not always desired or necessary for sexual pleasure. The most consistent and easily detected physical sign of the wife's sexual arousal and readiness for intercourse is the expansion of the labia minora to two or three times their normal thickness.

Mons veneris. Mons veneris is Latin for \u201cMount of Venus.\u201d It is a small cushion of fat to serve as a shock absorber over the pubic symphysis (the bony prominence above the peak of the labia majora). Caresses in this area are quite pleasing.

There is no medical reason for avoiding intercourse during any part of the menstrual period. No ill effects occur from penetration by the penis, nor is menstrual blood harmful. However, if either husband or wife considers intercourse distasteful at this time, it should be avoided. Very effective medications, called nonsteroidals, or NSAIDS, are now available for the mild to severe menstrual cramps that some women experience. The cramps are caused by the formation of prostaglandins, chemicals that stimulate the uterus to abnormally contract. Women with menstrual cramps may try an over-the-counter medicine such as ibuprofen (Motrin) or naproxen (Aleve) or ask their physician for a prescription for a different antiprostaglandin. These medicines prevent the development of prostaglandins and thus actually prevent pain rather than simply relieving it. There is little reason to suffer from menstrual cramps today.

The number of days between one menstrual period and the next is generally far less consistent than the number of days of flow. The average length of the cycle from day one of menstruation to day one of the next cycle is between twenty-six and thirty-two days. This is only an average, however, and almost all women occasionally vary at least two to three days; many vary by several days from time to time, and some are always quite irregular.

One of the early signs of cancer of the cervix may be bleeding after sexual intercourse. One of the signs of cancer of the uterus may be spotting of small amounts of blood between menstrual periods.

Women with PMS may experience tension, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, irritability, crying for no reason, fatigue, forgetfulness or mental confusion, clumsiness, and cravings for sweets, carbohydrates, or salty foods. While over a hundred symptoms have been associated with PMS, the complaints of abdominal bloating, headache, breast tenderness, and labile mood are the only ones that occur in over half of sufferers. Up to 90 percent of all women who menstruate have symptoms of PMS at some time, but for some 20 to 30 percent, it causes serious disruption of their daily lives. PMS can occur in menstruating women of any age. It is most common during the later twenties and thirties. Some women first experience PMS after pregnancy or after taking birth control pills. No one knows exactly what causes PMS or why some women have severe symptoms while others have mild or no symptoms. Hormone imbalance probably explains the majority of a woman\u2019s symptoms; such imbalances can be tricky to discover and to treat. A few physicians reject the likelihood of a hormone cause, but many women respond well to hormone therapy, especially bio-identical progesterone. Physicians skilled in the administration of such therapies may be very helpful for many PMS patients. PMS is not a character disorder.

The importance of non-medical treatment for PMS\u2014limiting salt, sugar, and caffeine, increasing exercise, and using certain vitamins regularly\u2014should also be carefully considered. Research has shown that women who have four or more cups of a caffeinated drink per day may have five times the PMS symptoms. Making changes and incorporating them into your lifestyle is fundamental to reducing symptoms and will be the start to living effectively with PMS and to maintaining better health in general.

What will help is general kindness and a special sensitivity. Favorable remarks about your wife\u2019s appearance and increased physical touching in a nonsexual way will also be most pleasing.

PMS doesn\u2019t give a wife the right to be mean. She is responsible for her behavior and attitudes. But extra kindness and consideration will most likely help take the edge off her emotions, and this approach is the right and responsible thing to do.

Immediately after the birth of a baby, the mother has a great drop in her estrogen level, for there is almost no estrogen produced by her ovaries. During pregnancy most of the estrogen was being produced by the placenta, which is no longer present. Some new mothers may feel very depressed (postpartum depression) after the birth of their babies because of this lowered estrogen level. Nursing also suppresses the production of estrogen, and if the baby continues to nurse for several months, thinning of the vaginal lining may result. This thin vaginal lining is like senile vaginitis older women develop in the menopausal years. A thin vaginal lining may cause painful intercourse. During this time if there is any discomfort, do not neglect to use ample artificial lubrication before every sexual union.

At birth the glans is covered by a fold of skin called the prepuce or foreskin. The foreskin requires special care to keep it clean and prevent accumulation of a greasy secretion called smegma. If the foreskin is too tight, it may interfere with erection and intercourse. For these reasons, the practice of circumcision shortly after birth has grown in popularity as a hygienic measure. Circumcision is the cutting off of enough foreskin to leave the glans exposed.

It is interesting to note that this is the only surgical operation mentioned in the Bible. About four thousand years ago, God commanded that the operation be done on the eighth day after birth. It is only in the last few decades that it has been found that the eighth day is when blood-clotting and infection-preventing factors are the most favorable in a baby\u2019s life. Today, however, the timing of this operation is not as critical, because we have vitamin K injected at birth to prevent bleeding problems and drugs with which to avoid and control infection.

The length of the unstimulated or flaccid penis varies greatly, but the erect penis is usually from five to seven inches long. Smaller or larger dimensions are not abnormal, however. Practically all the sexually stimulating sensations take place in the glans of the penis for the male and in the clitoris for the female. So, length of the penis has little to do with stimulation of the wife or with satisfaction for the husband. Contrary to popular belief, there is more chance for a wife to feel discomfort and a lack of satisfaction from too large a penis than from one which is too small.

As we age, the prostate enlarges so that a man in his sixties and seventies will generally have a prostate two to three times the size of a man in his twenties and thirties. Due to the benign enlargement of the prostate, the amount of sperm often decreases and becomes more watery in consistency. In addition, the ejaculate exits the penis with much less force than in younger men.

Prostate cancer generally has no symptoms and is discovered during the course of a digital-rectal examination and/or a peripheral blood sample that shows an elevation in prostate-specific antigen (PSA). White males should have yearly PSA blood tests after age fifty, and black males after age forty-five.

The discerning lover approaches the experience knowing that the keenest pleasure comes from the exquisite joy of pleasing the beloved.

Under no circumstances should you allow a child to sleep in the room with you, except perhaps a new baby for the first six months or less. The question of lighting in the bedroom should also be considered. Some wives are better able to abandon themselves to maximum expression of enjoyment by having sexual intercourse in a room with very little or no light. However, the husband is greatly stimulated by seeing his wife\u2019s body and watching her responsive movements and expressions of delight. For this reason, you may wish to vary your settings between darkness and very soft light, even candlelight. Remember that the mystery of the body enhances the lovemaking experience.

The most effective touching for both man and wife in the early part of sex play is a gentle caressing of all the body. All includes everything and excludes nothing. Do not touch only those areas that seem directly related to excitement. Your partner may enjoy caresses on the inner thighs, the lower back and buttocks, the earlobes, or the back of the neck. Caressing varied areas shows an interest in the whole person.

Anything is permissible as long as it is desired by both partners, affords mutual pleasure, and does not offend either partner. The Scriptures tell us that the joyous sexual expression of love between husband and wife is God\u2019s plan.

The male-above position is by far the most commonly used and gives the husband freedom of movement plus greatest control of strength and rapidity of thrusting. Many couples consider this the most satisfying of all positions. The wife lies on her back with legs extended, comfortably separated. The husband lies on top of her, supporting some of his weight on arms or elbows, his legs inside hers. After insertion of the penis, her legs may be moved farther apart, closer together, inside his, or wrapped around his legs or up over his body.

The male-behind position is seldom used but may be tried on occasion and may also be used during late pregnancy.

As soon as the husband finishes ejaculation, he should begin manual stimulation of his wife\u2019s clitoris, so that she can have repeated orgasms. This is the way the woman is designed!

Take time to ensure the wife\u2019s orgasm and the husband\u2019s controlled, full response. Finally, after intercourse, take time to express your love and appreciation for each other.

Picture this final phase according to the poetic term one doctor has given it\u2014afterglow. After intercourse is over, the fires of passion and pleasure settle down to a lovely, quiet glow. Let this be a time when the husband shows tenderness toward his wife with hugs, kisses, and love pats. The couple should continue to express their appreciation as they lie close in each other\u2019s arms and just enjoy each other\u2019s presence.

While the husband learns to control his speedy responses, the wife learns to intensify excitement so that she can respond to him more quickly and more fully.

One main cause of premature ejaculation is poor learning at the beginning of marriage. A new husband who has built up great tension through the period of courtship and engagement may ejaculate when he takes his wife in his arms on their wedding night, and for many nights thereafter. Some men mistakenly feel that a quick release is a sign of masculinity. Thus they never realize the need to learn to control the timing of their ejaculation so that they can experience the joy and oneness that comes with consistently bringing the wife to orgasm during intercourse.

The main difficulty with premature ejaculation is that it does not give full sexual satisfaction to the wife. When this problem persists, the pattern of the marriage is somewhat predictable. The wife feels that she is being inconsiderately used and that her husband is only concerned with his own pleasure and has no real appreciation of her sexual needs.

Another problem of premature ejaculation is that a \u201csatisfied\u201d husband has a tendency to discontinue his physical attentions to his wife after his orgasm.

If this is the case, the husband should immediately begin to use his fingers to gently stimulate his wife\u2019s clitoris, since his penis will no longer have the firmness necessary to stimulate her to orgasm. Thus the wife is assured of her husband\u2019s concern for her complete sexual fulfillment.

In the course of these procedures they will learn the technique of squeeze control, in which squeeze pressure is applied to the erect penis. This technique causes no pain, since most of the pain-sensitive areas in the male genitals are in the testicles rather than the penis, but it does make the husband lose his urge to ejaculate, and often he loses some erection momentarily.

The wife is to sit with her back against the headboard of the bed, with her legs spread comfortably apart. The husband is to lie on his back, with his head toward the foot of the bed. The husband positions his pelvis between his wife\u2019s legs, with his genitals close to hers. With knees bent, his feet are to be placed outside her thighs (near her buttocks). The wife now lovingly and gently caresses the man\u2019s genitals, paying special attention to the underside of the shaft or the head of the penis, or wherever her husband directs, to encourage him to attain an erection. As soon as the husband achieves full erection, the wife will begin the squeeze technique. She places her thumb on the underside of the penis, about one-half inch below the slit opening just where the shaft ends and the head begins. She then places the first two fingers of that hand on the opposite side of the penis, with one finger above the ridge and one finger below the ridge that distinguishes the head from the shaft. She then squeezes her thumb and two fingers together with very hard pressure for about four seconds. She then quickly releases the pressure. After fifteen to thirty seconds, she manipulates him to full erection again and repeats the squeeze. The husband should inform his wife by word or subtle signals when he feels she needs to repeat the squeeze to delay his orgasm.

Your husband is to place himself in a sitting position with his back comfortably resting against pillows at the headboard of the bed. With his legs widely separated, you are to sit between his legs with your back against his chest and your head resting comfortably on his shoulder, your legs spread apart and draped over his. This position allows him freedom of access for creative exploration of your entire body. You should encourage specific direction for this by placing your hand lightly on his hand, so you can show by slight increases in pressure, or by gentle directional movement, the \u201cwhere and how\u201d of your desires at any particular moment. This will allow both of you to learn precise physical communication without the distractions of verbal request or detailed explanation.

Nothing will chill and remove the bright lustre of married love more quickly than a cool, silent, sullen, indifferent, or negative attitude toward the young husband\u2019s advances.

Fifty percent of all practicing alcoholics experience erectile dysfunction.

Fatigue. Simple fatigue is the most common cause of decreased sex drive in the normal man.

A relaxed attitude of waiting till one is rested and an acceptance of lessened sexual energy when one reaches middle age will avoid much of this difficulty. A wife can help by often initiating arrangements to retire at an early hour and by discouraging activities that keep her husband from getting enough rest. Obesity. Researchers have found that when obese men (weighing an average of 250 pounds) went on a strict eight-week weight-reduction diet, their level of testosterone, the male hormone, rose significantly and in almost every case reached normal levels. Before losing weight, these men had had female hormone levels twice as high as those found in men of normal weight. The main source of excess estrogen in males is a chemical change occurring in a substance found in fat cells.

Recent studies comparing male smokers and nonsmokers have shown that testosterone levels in the blood were significantly lower in the smoking group but that they rose to almost normal levels after seven days\u2019 abstinence from smoking. Test results make it clear that heavy cigarette smoking decreases testosterone levels in otherwise healthy men. Dr. Alton Ochsner of Tulane University School of Medicine has said, \u201cAfter very long clinical experience, I am convinced that smoking is one of the most frequent causes of erectile dysfunction today, particularly among young people.\u201d Smoking is also a major cause of lung cancer and heart disease and responsible for strokes and poor circulation, decreasing vigor and blood flow to the penile area.

Drugs. Some over-the-counter and prescription drugs, including some blood-pressure pills and certain other medications, may produce erectile dysfunction. Your doctor will be able to identify these for you, but here is a partial list: Tobacco Alcohol Recreational Drugs SSRIs, for example Prozac or Paxil Clonidine Diuretics (thiazides/spironolactone) Tricyclic Antidepressants Antihistamines Beta-blockers Note that abuse of drugs such as marijuana, methadone, nicotine, opiates, amphetamines, or barbiturates can also cause erectile dysfunction. One would like to tell young couples that as they seek thrills in one area of life, they may be robbing themselves of some of the really great thrills available in a positive, growing sexual relationship in marriage.

A person who is clinically depressed has a low appetite for food, sleep, pleasures, sex, and for life itself. Most of this person\u2019s energy is directed toward survival in the face of continuing despair, and it is understandable when there is no appetite for things normally enjoyed.

Someone has pointed out that love and erection are not synonymous words. Her frustrated husband may have a great deal of desire but no accompanying erection. So to such a woman, I suggest that she choose to think rationally about herself, her husband, and the situation. When she refuses to put herself down and instead puts herself at her husband\u2019s disposal, as they work together for a cure, she will take significant steps toward the kind of emotional maturity that will make her far more desirable than ever before.

To the hostile wife, I should point out that she is only defeating herself, for she and the husband she is undermining are still one flesh in the eyes of God.

The solution involves three lines of approach, which we might call in easy-to-remember terms: talk, touch, and teasing.

Of these, the most popular treatment for erectile dysfunction involves using the class of drugs called phosphodiesterase type 5 (PDE5), inhibitors which include sildenafil (Viagra), vardenafil (Lavitra), and tadalafil (Cialis). Sildenafil, vardenafil, and tadalafil appear to be equally effective, but tadalafil has a longer duration of action. Sildenafil and vardenafil are most effective when taken on an empty stomach, while tadalafil can be taken without regard to meals. The effect of sildenafil may last for up to eight to twelve hours, while that from tadalafil may last for thirty-six hours.

\u201cFor God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind\u201d (2 Timothy 1:7). Every situation of life in which we see our own inadequacy can be an opportunity to see the power of Christ undertaken for us. No need is too small or too great for our God to meet, we discover, as we count on Him!

Because of the God-designed one-flesh relationship, real intimacy between husband and wife always has sexual dimensions, whether they are having sex or just talking; snuggling close in their sleep or dressing together for the day; working in the garden side by side or engaged in prayer. It is all lovemaking.

Here are some factors that will hinder the development of sexual intimacy in any marriage.

Hindrances to Intimacy

The Habit of Criticism

Many couples not only freely criticize each other in the hope of bringing about improvements in the other\u2019s appearance or behavior, but they also fall into the habit of unconscious criticism\u2014constant carping on a small scale\u2014woven into their daily conversation. This is not an environment in which intimacy can flower.

Instead, serve your mate PEAs\u2014replace those critical words with positive words of Praise and Encouragement and Appreciation.

Bottled-Up Anger and Resentment

Conflict resolution requires purposeful, productive conversation in an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding.

Anyone who has answered a telephone while angry knows how easy it is to put on a happy voice while maintaining a bitter heart.

Too often, the missing element is a sincere desire to understand and accept the other person\u2019s position. Each foolishly hopes to air an opinion without working out a solution (Proverbs 18:2).

Two ground rules should be observed for constructive communication: (1) an agreement that both will keep talking until they resolve the problem and understand each other; (2) an agreement to limit the discussion to the present conflict, not bringing up past failure on either side.

Failure to Communicate

Communication requires a listening love, as well as a willingness to be vulnerable\u2014to try to put into words what one is feeling and trust those words to the partner\u2019s understanding.

Lack of Trust in One\u2019s Partner or Oneself

Anxiety about One\u2019s Physical Appearance

The Lord planned that husband and wife are to be \u201cnaked and unashamed\u201d before each other as part of the one-flesh relationship (see Genesis 2:24\u201325). Therefore hiding my body from my mate is not scriptural.

\u201cSpectatoring\u201d during Lovemaking

De-emphasizing the Value of Sex

Predictable, Mechanical Sex

Lack of Sensitivity

Absence of Nonsexual Physical Touching

Media Distractions

Media watching may seem less significant than other factors we have mentioned. However, it promotes passivity; people wrapped up in electronic media have neither the motivation nor the energy to develop an intimate relationship. Media can become so hypnotic that one does not realize how much time is being taken away from companionship with one\u2019s spouse.

Prescription for Intimacy

Establish Mutual Trust

You cannot build intimacy when you are trying to protect or defend yourselves. You cannot build intimacy when you are afraid of exposing your needs and frailties. You cannot build intimacy unless you feel safer with your partner both emotionally and physically than with anyone else in the world.

God\u2019s Word shows how to establish the trust that builds intimacy in two concise statements: (1) \u201cLove covers over a multitude of sins\u201d (1 Peter 4:8). (2) \u201cLove builds up\u201d (1 Corinthians 8:1). In other words: (1) Overlook mistakes and never criticize. (2) Always encourage and give your partner the precious gift of sympathetic understanding. Criticism can be the death blow to love and intimacy. It never changes anyone for the better. It only succeeds in putting miles of emotional distance between a husband and wife who are longing inwardly for closeness. Praise on the other hand has power to enhance the relationship, while strengthening and inspiring the individual to higher attainments.

Learn to Enjoy Sensuousness

Sensuousness is defined by therapists as the need to be held, fondled, caressed, and touched. It should not be confused with sensuality, which is a preoccupation with the physical, as opposed to the intellectual and spiritual. We are speaking simply of the importance of touch, as a means of meeting a human being\u2019s deep needs and as an essential way of developing intimacy in the marriage.

Exploring every part of the body with loving hands (including tracing the beloved\u2019s face in the dark with sensitive fingers) will increase the sense of intimacy. Prolonged kissing is healthy as well as pleasurable, unleashing chemicals that ease stress hormones and also transferring benign bacteria that keep each other healthy.

Relate Sexually as Lovers

After sex most men want reassurance that they have been good lovers, and most women want reassurance that their husband has been pleased, enchanted, and satisfied. But research indicates that a great many people just turn over and go to sleep without saying much of anything!

The husband can experience the thrill of conquest whenever he makes love to his wife; she can glory in his pursuit; and he can savor her melting response.

Because the husband is a lover, he shows capacity for tenderness and caring and the ability to express his feelings without embarrassment, along with masculine characteristics that please his wife, such as confidence and strength. The wife responds in turn. She is thrilled by his slow, sensual approach and by a romantic atmosphere and she lets him know it. Lovers avoid dull routine in their sex play. They practice variety\u2014variations in time or setting, variations in love play, variations in frequency, position, and mood. Sometimes their sex is fun; sometimes it is intensely passionate; sometimes it is leisurely and tender. Variety is the spice of lovemaking. Lovers enjoy each other as man and woman. They spend time together\u2014preforeplay time\u2014taking walks or perhaps just talking in front of a fire in the fireplace, when they can be alone. They go away together for a night or a weekend or a few days to refresh themselves and renew their relationship.

After the climax, when both have been satisfied, lovers want to remain close to each other with lots of gentle stroking, murmuring, kisses, and embracing. They sometimes want to maintain the warm glow with conversation of a special nature. Nothing mundane is allowed! No talk of home repairs or money problems or Johnny\u2019s bad report card. In the relaxed afterglow of lovemaking, while still in each other\u2019s arms, they want to talk about each other, perhaps the history of their love affair. They may share conversation that is intimate or especially uplifting\u2014perhaps expressing dreams and goals they would mention at no other time. It is a time for private laughter, and always for complimenting each other as lovers\u2014thanking the other for the beautiful experience\u2014and perhaps praying together before they fall asleep with gratitude for the way God has blessed them, even in their lovemaking.

To serve my husband for Jesus\u2019 sake does not demand that I be servile and abject like a Babylonian slave or an eighteenth-century washerwoman. It begins with the attitude of thinking about him, instead of being preoccupied with myself. It includes looking for ways, all the time, to help him and please him. In the words of Proverbs 31, this kind of wife will do her husband \u201cgood and not evil all the days of her life.\u201d The behavior that pleases him flows out of an inner attitude that I have already chosen for myself\u2014the attitude that my husband is the king of my household and the king of my marriage.

And here I am in good company, for Peter in his first epistle instructs the Christian wives to adapt themselves to their husbands, their beauty \u201cthe unfading loveliness of a calm and gentle spirit, a thing very precious in the eyes of God\u201d (1 Peter 3:4). He goes on to point to Sarah as a good example: \u201cEven as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord\u201d (1 Peter 3:6).

This calls for some time alone, when you can honestly evaluate your attitudes toward sex and toward your husband as a lover. Before you are done, you will find that you are taking a long look at your self-esteem as well, for that too occupies a place in the total picture.

Do you endure sex as a duty or anticipate it with delight? Are you warm and responsive to your husband\u2019s lovemaking or do you scoot over to the other side of the bed, hoping he won\u2019t show any interest?

Here\u2019s a way of evaluating your contribution to the physical love relationship, suggested by Shirley Rice, who was a pioneer counselor on physical unity in marriage. She says that we women should try measuring our physical love for our husbands by the yardstick in 1 Corinthians 13, the great love chapter. See how you do. Remember we\u2019re talking now about physical love. Is yours patient and kind? Never envious or jealous? Not possessive? Not conceited? Never rude? Never indiscreet? Not insistent on its own right? Not self-seeking? Never touchy, fretful, or resentful? Does it pay no attention to a wrong suffered? Nor count up past wrongs? Does it not rejoice in wrongdoing, but in the truth? Does it always believe the best of him? Does it never fail? What a strict measuring stick! We are just not capable of that quality of love without God\u2019s power. But the point is that we can have the enabling of God\u2019s power as women born again in Christ to remake and transform every wrong attitude we have found in ourselves during this evaluation time.

The couple who appreciates each other and shows it has every reason to expect a wonderful sexual relationship.

Realize that as you please your husband, you are both obeying and pleasing the Lord. Let it be a love offering to both. The Lord will not make you do anything; He will not change you without your cooperation. You are not a robot or a puppet on a string. But if you know the attitude you should have, then you have to say, \u201cOkay, with God\u2019s strength operating in me, I am going to be different.\u201d And then begin to do it. How does a woman quit biting her nails? Not by saying I can\u2019t, but by quitting. The principle is the same in changing your attitudes toward love, sex, marriage, and your husband.

Even though you have been building anticipation and practicing new attitudes, you will find that you can be easily distracted and then have to start all over again in seeking arousal. You cannot allow yourself to lie there thinking about the problems of the day or about the fact that you forgot to take the meat out of the freezer. You need to keep your mind and body working together. Concentrate on whatever will arouse your desire. Think of the joy you are experiencing as you and your husband possess each other. Be active, not passive, and you will enjoy lovemaking more. If you are active, your attention is less likely to wander.

Sometimes you will be very tired and feeling as sexy as an old sock, but your husband will approach you with desire. Secular therapists say a wife should be able to respond, \u201cSorry, but I\u2019m just not up to it tonight.\u201d My own opinion as a Christian wife is that we can depend on the Lord to give us the strength and ability to be as warm and responsive as our husband desires, no matter how tired we are. As we commit this in prayer, trusting the Lord to give us the strength to meet our husband\u2019s needs, we often find not only that we can do it, but that we enjoy the experience as well. The heart of the matter is attitude.

But at bedtime your husband will enjoy seeing you at your bathed and prettiest feminine best. And your confidence in your own desirability will rise accordingly. A filmy nightgown creates an aura of loveliness. There are some \u201cgranny\u201d gowns that even Granny would not wear, and your husband\u2019s old college T-shirt probably doesn\u2019t do much for a woman either. However, if that is what your husband wants you to wear, then by all means sleep in it. Some of you may be thinking that your husband couldn\u2019t care less what you wear to bed, just so you take it off at the right time. Nevertheless, a clean, perfumed body attired in a feminine gown tells him that you care enough about your time with him to be your most appealing and desirable.

Keep the house picked up late in the afternoon, so that there will be an appearance of order, even if you have not had time to clean. Freshen up yourself too before your husband comes home. Serve broccoli, if that\u2019s his vegetable, and leave off the green beans, which he detests. Wear the clothes you know he likes. If he prefers to stay up late at night, try to squeeze in an afternoon nap and stay up late with him. If he enjoys baseball, learn to like it. You don\u2019t do these things because you are a doormat, but because you want to enjoy his world with him. Most important, a wise wife will not argue. She will keep her husband peaceful and satisfied and happy by gracefully conceding to his wishes, or deferring to his opinions. When the issue is an important one, it can be discussed and decided on its merits. A husband usually welcomes the thoughtful opinions of his wife. To remind ourselves to listen more and talk less is always good advice for the wife. And all this fits with the admonitions in God\u2019s Word for wives to adapt themselves to their husband.

If you want to stay beautiful for your husband, you\u2019ll be careful not to let yourself go as you get older. If your husband does not want you to be fat, you will avoid adding those ten pounds a year. A physical fitness program with your husband will not only allow you time to enjoy each other\u2019s company but may also add quality of life to your golden years and even sexual energy by increasing maximum blood flow to the extremities.

Many a man does not realize that the wife he has is a reflection of his own behavior toward her.

Our husbands must come first and the children after that. Some women put the children ahead of the husband; then when the children are grown and gone, the husband and wife have no basis for communication with each other. Second, our home is where our children first pick up attitudes concerning sex. The best sex education they can receive is to know that Mother and Dad love each other and to see this love expressed in tender, considerate ways. Here is an example to show how a child\u2019s attitudes are influenced: Suppose that you are standing at the kitchen range preparing supper, and your husband walks by and pats you on the behind. You turn around and in a rebuking tone say, \u201cQuit that!\u201d Little Johnny and Susie, playing nearby, observe what has taken place. Do you see the lesson they have just learned? But now let\u2019s play the scene again. Suppose your husband walks by and pats you on the behind, and you turn around and grin at him, maybe reach out, and both of you put your arms around each other and exchange a kiss. He goes over to sit down and read the newspaper, and you hum a little tune while stirring the food. What a different lesson the children have just learned!

Recent brides have told me that they wish someone had shared a few suggestions with them. For this reason, I want to include the following hints: Make all your wedding preparations far enough in advance so that there are no last-minute details for which you are responsible. Both the bride and groom should be rested. This means no girl talk until the wee hours of the morning of the wedding and no bachelor or bachelorette party the night before. Plan a short trip for the first night. Be certain to pack artificial lubricant. Have a small towel handy to absorb the secretions. Decide beforehand what you both expect on the wedding night. Will you slowly and lovingly undress each other, or will you (the bride) come floating into the bedroom in your gorgeous white negligee and sweep him off his feet? The barrier of seeing each other naked is best broken at some time during your first night together. Take a shower together at least once on your honeymoon trip. Take along a candle for a romantic atmosphere. Relax and anticipate the cherishing and possessing of each other.

And it is my personal conviction that when both partners are knowledgeable and maturing Christians, they should have as many children as they feel they can properly train for a productive Christian life.

During a year of unprotected intercourse, 80 percent of couples of childbearing age will conceive. The probability of pregnancy from any one act of intercourse without a contraceptive will be from 3 to 20 percent, depending on the time during the menstrual cycle that intercourse occurs. Here are other factors to be considered: It is desirable for a newly married couple to have some time for adjustment to each other,

The health of the wife is a most important issue.

It should be recognized that fear of pregnancy often inhibits enjoyment of the sex relationship.

We will consider the artificial methods (hormonal agents, RU 486, the IUD, the diaphragm, vaginal spermicides, and the condom), then the surgical methods (vasectomy and tubal ligation), and conclude with natural family planning. Other control methods that are rarely used include female condoms, sponges, vaginal contraceptive suppositories, and cervical caps. Hormonal methods of contraception (the \u201cpill,\u201d the \u201cshot,\u201d the \u201cring,\u201d the \u201cpatch,\u201d and the \u201crods\u201d) may be taken orally, injected, absorbed from a patch on the skin or cervix, or released from an implant surgically placed just below the skin surface. They primarily work by blocking ovulation. Without the production of an egg, fertilization and thus pregnancy are impossible. One type of birth control pill, which contains only progestin (the \u201cmini-pill\u201d), and the implantable rod variety (Implanon, which has replaced Norplant), may not reliably block ovulation. For this reason, these types of hormonal birth control may be objectionable and are not endorsed by many pro-life physicians. The combination pill, injectable depo preparations, the cervical ring, and the patch do seem to block ovulation. Of the hormonal agents, the use of oral contraceptives continues to be the most popular.

Many women also wonder if taking the pill will delay menopause. The use of the pill may in some instances cover up the onset of menopause, but there is no evidence that its use will delay it. If the woman\u2019s age indicates that she is close to menopause, a specific way to make the diagnosis is to stop the pill for four to six weeks and draw blood to measure the plasma FSH. A persistently elevated FSH indicates that the patient is menopausal. If after stopping the pill she develops menopausal symptoms, especially hot flushes, this gives additional evidence of menopause. If these findings are positive, the doctor can safely recommend that she stop taking the pill. She should, however, continue some other type of birth control for six to twelve months because it is possible for her to ovulate unpredictably for some time after she develops menopausal signs.

So if you smoke and are thirty-five or older, do not use the pill! Others who must not use the pill include women with a history of a previous blood clot or stroke, estrogen dependent tumors, liver disease, undiagnosed abnormal vaginal bleeding, and coronary artery disease. Pregnancy is also an obvious reason for not using the pill, though inadvertent use of the pill during early pregnancy has not been associated with an increased risk of congenital abnormalities. Women who are receiving seizure medications or suffer from obesity, poorly controlled blood pressure, migraine headaches, or diabetes may not be good candidates for this type of birth control and should discuss these issues with their personal physicians.

Lesser side effects of the pill may include nausea and vomiting, but these problems can often be overcome by taking the pill after dinner, when food in the stomach can slow its absorption, or at bedtime. The symptoms usually disappear within a few days, as the body adjusts.

But the latest studies show the method-failure rate (when the condoms are used correctly during every act of intercourse) as only 1 percent. To appreciate how low this percentage is, let\u2019s put it into perspective. It means that one pregnancy will occur in every one hundred women who use the method for one year. Assuming two uses per week for each woman, that means one pregnancy will occur in ten thousand occasions of proper use.

To summarize the barrier methods\u2014condom, spermicide, and diaphragm\u2014experts say that, when used correctly, they are at least 97 percent effective versus the 99.6 percent effectiveness of the pill.

The withdrawal method is discussed in chapter 38 of Genesis\u2014the only direct reference to birth control in the Bible. Verses 8 through 10 read: And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother\u2019s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother\u2019s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew him also. We know that the Hebrew custom of that day dictated that if Onan fathered a child by Tamar, his dead brother\u2019s wife, the child would not legally have been his, but would have been considered the child of his brother. Even though Onan complied with the command to marry his brother\u2019s wife, he perverted the purpose of the marriage, which was to produce a child. He deliberately disobeyed this order given by his father, Judah; therefore, he did not fulfill his spiritual and moral responsibility to his dead brother. It was not just the physical act but the spiritual disobedience that displeased the Lord. This disobedience demanded the most severe discipline God could give. Requiring Onan to marry his brother\u2019s wife apparently was done for two reasons. The first was to provide an offspring for the deceased brother and preserve his name and his memory and to provide an heir for his property. The second reason was to serve the interest of the wife; otherwise, she would be destitute.

The one method of birth control that the Bible forbids is continuing abstinence in a marriage. As 1 Corinthians 7:3\u20135 tells us, Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. Couples should strive to be sensitive and considerate of each other\u2019s sexual needs and desires and to satisfy them regularly and lovingly.

Although infertility has traditionally been regarded as a female problem, it is traceable to the male in 30 percent of childless couples. In an additional 20 percent, the male is a contributing factor.

One important function of the scrotum is to keep the testes about 2.2 degrees cooler than the abdominal cavity. But the husband may be inadvertently heating the scrotum to body temperature level by wearing tight bikini or jockey-type underwear, or by taking long, hot tub baths. In primitive tribal rites, the men sit in a cold stream before having intercourse! Heat can reduce the sperm count enough to cause temporary infertility, but by wearing loose-fitting clothing for a few weeks, a normal sperm count will be restored.

Taking testosterone will tend to shut off production of the hormone that, in the male, stimulates cell function and development. It has even been considered as a male contraceptive! Stop any medications that can safely be stopped. Marijuana and its THC ingredient can affect fertility. According to the Missouri Department of Mental Health, \u201cResearch studies indicate that men and women have a temporary loss of fertility, and findings suggest that THC may be especially harmful during adolescence, a period of rapid physical and sexual development.\u201d A past infection may be the hidden cause of infertility. For example, mononucleosis or a prolonged fever can cause temporary male infertility, but this will not show up for three months or so after the illness. Response of the sperm count to therapy cannot be expected for at least three months. This three-month time frame should always be kept in mind. It takes the testes seventy-two days to produce the sperm, and another ten to fifteen days are required for the sperm to travel a circuitous route to the seminal vesicles.

The husband has the maximum number of healthy sperm when he ejaculates regularly, at least every four days. More than four days of abstinence will decrease the number of sperm.

Most of the problems involve \u201cbad eggs\u201d due to the age of the woman. The chances of a woman getting pregnant are considerably lower after age forty, with a slight decrease in fertility beginning at age thirty-five. The best, most fertile ages are fifteen to twenty-four, certainly before age thirty-one. In one study, impaired fecundity is experienced by 4.1 percent of all American women ages fifteen to twenty-four, 13.4 percent of those ages twenty-five to thirty-four, and 24.4 percent of those ages thirty-five to forty-four. When an older woman does get pregnant, that pregnancy is harder to maintain. Women in their forties have a much greater risk of spontaneous abortion, 50 percent greater than women in their twenties. Also, older women, thirty-five to forty-four, have a greater risk of bearing a low-birth weight infant, premature baby, or Down syndrome baby.

One patient reported that what bothered her most was having to take her temperature every morning, so that she began every day with a fresh reminder of her infertility problem and the pain involved. This kind of stress can have a grave effect on the fabric of the marriage relationship.

The difficulties pressuring the infertile couple actually have the potential of drawing them closer as they begin to understand each other, reach out to comfort each other, and experience a deepening fellowship together in prayer. They can strengthen each other with the shared assurance of God\u2019s perfect plan for their life together, and they can develop the patience and faith to wait on Him and to see Him bring it about.

Above all, they need to be supportive, positive, and totally noncritical toward each other. At this phase of their life, when their sense of self-worth may be at lowest ebb, they need to build each other up by word, attitude, and action.

What counts in any traumatic situation of life is how you choose to respond to it over a period of time. Some couples who have responded to the problem of infertility with faith and the determination to express their love in positive ways find that there are alternatives to being birth parents that bring them great joy as they give of themselves.

The Bible expresses this principle with words that have comforted through the centuries: Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the LORD.

I have observed that pregnancy can be a tremendously rewarding experience for husband and wife, with lasting benefits for their marriage if they follow these three simple guidelines: Communicate your feelings. Meet your partner\u2019s needs and desires. Share the experience all the way.

One study, made to determine median weekly frequencies of sexual intercourse during and after pregnancy, yielded these results: first three months, 2.25 times per week; second three months, 2.39 times per week; last three months, 1.08 times per week; after delivery, 2.65 times per week. Other studies bear out the same conclusions.

Even though the pregnant woman may not need as much intercourse, sexual release should be provided for her, and one thing she clearly does need is loving physical contact. About 92 percent of women relate they have a strong desire to be held during lovemaking. Researchers conclude that the need for closeness during pregnancy is a very powerful one for most women. The wife also needs encouragement and compliments during this period when she may feel physically unattractive. Actually, wives who are beloved and honored at this time usually wear a special, beautiful glow. The husband should be even more affectionate and complimentary than usual. Treating her with tenderness and appreciation during pregnancy will pay great dividends in sexual pleasure for both partners and will have lasting benefits. Here are some words of advice for the wife. Psychologically, your husband needs to feel an emotional bond with you and his baby and he needs to feel like an important part of all that\u2019s happening. He also needs to be reassured that he has not permanently exchanged his lover/companion for someone interested only in motherhood. Remember that although pregnancy may change your sexual desires, your husband is not pregnant. His sexual needs continue at the same level throughout the pregnancy, delivery, and the weeks of abstention afterward. When you are not having intercourse as frequently as you were prior to pregnancy, you should offer manual stimulation to him\u2014particularly during the period of abstention.

It is usually more stimulating if you use an artificial lubricant, as you squeeze and stroke the penis to bring him to orgasm. Do not ask him if he wants this. Just lovingly initiate this stimulation and give him the opportunity to lovingly refuse, if he chooses. Show your concern for him; let him know that you are longing to give him pleasure, whether or not you feel any desire or need for sexual play.

Here are some positions particularly useful during pregnancy, but remember that intercourse in these positions must usually be accompanied by manual stimulation of the clitoris for the wife to achieve sexual climax. Husband and wife both lie on their sides, facing each other. Intercourse is begun from the front; or husband and wife both lie on their sides, knees flexed, facing the same direction, with intercourse begun from behind. This is usually very comfortable for both wife and husband and allows manual stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse. The wife lies flat on her back, with her knees slightly flexed or pulled up high enough to rest on her husband\u2019s shoulders. He remains in an upright kneeling position, with his knees spread wide apart and her buttocks between his thighs. The penis is then gently inserted in the vagina. This position allows manual stimulation of the clitoris throughout intercourse and does not require any contact with the enlarged abdomen. The wife may be more comfortable with a pillow beneath her buttocks. The husband sits comfortably in an armless chair with his wife sitting on his lap, facing him, with a leg on each side of his body. This leaves his hands completely free for manual stimulation. The head of the penis may be placed just within the vaginal opening, so that penetration is very shallow. This will be sufficient depth for mutual sexual stimulation and can be practiced even during the final weeks of pregnancy when deeper penetration may otherwise be prohibited. In a position similar to that on an obstetrical delivery table, the woman lies on her back with her buttocks on the edge of a low bed, legs separated, and knees flexed over the padded backs of two straight chairs pushed against the bed. The husband kneels on several cushions between the chairs, with his pelvis at the most convenient level for comfortable insertion of the penis. Obviously, this position requires prior preparation, but it can provide maximum freedom and comfort for both partners at this special time. It offers excellent opportunity for manual stimulation of the wife and provides complete control of the depth of penetration of the penis. The husband lies on his side across the center of the bed. In a cross position, at right angles to him, the wife lies on her back with both knees flexed over his body, as if she were sitting on his lap. The vaginal opening is placed as close as possible to the penis. The penis is inserted from below. The husband must use manual clitoral stimulation in this position to give his wife sexual climax. In the final three months, with the baby\u2019s head well down into the pelvis, there may be a feeling of excessive pressure. For this reason, it is better during this period to avoid the female-above position, which encourages the deepest penetration of the penis.

At the time of delivery, it is the husband\u2019s job to massage his wife during the contractions, keep her relaxed, talk to her, and be sensitive to what she is feeling. He may assist her with her learned breathing pattern, but his most important contribution is just the encouragement and reassurance of his presence. The emotional communication learned during this time is deeply valuable and spills over to bless the marriage for years to come.

By the time the discharge stops, the discomfort should have gone away, and intercourse can be resumed. Generally intercourse may occur six weeks after a normal, vaginal delivery. Your doctor will advise you. When intercourse does resume, I suggest that the husband be as careful, loving, and gentle as he was during the first intercourse of the honeymoon. Be sure to have an artificial lubricant on hand. If there is no tenderness of the area near the clitoris, mutual, manual stimulation to sexual climax may be begun at any time after the delivery of the baby.

Attitude is the key factor. For instance, you probably look at life and the inevitability of aging in one of two ways. Some of you may think of life as a series of losses, which must be adapted to. You therefore see sex after sixty as a succession of defeats, with the older person forced to give up more and more territory, as the aging process moves in on the pleasures of lovemaking. Others of you, however, recognize that life is a series of changes, but you know that these changes may bring gain as well as loss. You find that as you gracefully adapt to changing conditions, you give up comparatively little, while discovering unexpected treasures along the way. These positive-minded people are the ones who can expect to enjoy sex after sixty, seventy, or eighty.

Here is a very important thing to realize: You do not need to ejaculate every time you have intercourse. Never force an ejaculation when you feel no physical need for it. Forcing an ejaculation could diminish your powers to get and keep an erection. Ejaculate only when you feel like it. At other times, enjoy intercourse without it. Wives, you should be aware that after fifty you have less lubrication, and the secretions are produced more slowly. This can be easily remedied by use of an artificial lubricant. The vaginal walls become thinner, less elastic, and more easily irritated by sexual intercourse.

Although both men and women experience a shorter orgasm, lasting five or six seconds instead of ten or twelve, it still provides the same physical pleasure. In men, the gradual, very slight physiological decline in sex drive with advancing years can be put in proper perspective by realizing that we reach the height of our sexual vigor at about seventeen or eighteen, and the decline begins then! The important thing to remember is that aging itself will not prevent you from attaining or maintaining an erection. You may ejaculate less frequently, less forcefully, and with less volume. But because sex is a natural lifetime function, if you have an enthusiastic and willing partner, the gradual physiological decline will have little or no bearing on your sexual relationship.

More skillful sexual techniques, as described in other chapters, can inspire renewed interest. New, creative approaches to lovemaking can eliminate boredom and put the spark back in your relationship. The best \u201ctreatment\u201d for a man whose desires are burning low is a warm, receptive wife who offers plenty of loving sexual stimulation. (As one man said, there is a huge difference between being tolerated and being wanted.) Enthusiasm on the part of either partner can do wonders for the other one.

Here are some specific ways to find more pleasure in your sex life. Wife, encourage your husband by letting him know how much he pleases you. Husband, let your wife know how desirable she is to you. After sixty, men may worry about their lack of vigor, and women may fear rejection because of loss of youthful appearance. Loving, mutual appreciation will amazingly enhance your relationship and your total self-concept. Be aware of what one writer has called the \u201cbackground music\u201d of the lovemaking experience. I refer to verbal lovemaking, which can richly increase your pleasure, as both of you forget self-consciousness and freely give to each other in word as well as touch. In touching each other, be sensitive to areas of the body that may not be sexually stimulating but that may have a powerful and positive psychological effect on your partner. Communicate with one another about this. Be willing to \u201cadventure\u201d in exploring new ways to please each other. Discover the principle of reciprocity, and let it work for you in increasing sexual excitement. Researchers have found that when two people are free of anxieties and inner conflicts, they can learn to thrill to each other\u2019s response and respond to the other\u2019s pleasure in a gathering momentum of delight, self-forgetfulness, and abandon. On the other hand, rebuff, passive submission, or self-consciousness can have a snowballing negative effect. Agree with your partner to reject these negative influences. Life on this earth is too short to waste time in negative responses that hinder God-intended pleasure. Be on the lookout for them and overcome them with loving communication and mutual understanding.

Monitoring the heart rates of cardiac patients during sexual activity has shown that the maximum heart rate response averaged 120 beats per minute and was sustained for only ten to fifteen seconds in most subjects. The activity turned out to be less demanding than driving a car through traffic or becoming angry. The energy required for sexual activity has been compared to that of climbing a flight of stairs or briskly walking two city blocks. Significant amounts of body energy are required for digestion after any eating or drinking. Therefore, I strongly recommend that the heart patient avoid having sexual intercourse for at least two hours after a big meal.

The aftereffects of a stroke often reduce a patient\u2019s confidence and sense of self-esteem. It is a tremendous boost to him to remain sexually desirable to his partner. Almost any physical difficulties can be overcome in loving, constructive, and commonsense ways, if the couple works together with the advice of their physician. Pillows, a handle on the headboard, a higher footboard, varying positions, and orgasm by manual stimulation are just some of the ways problems can be handled.

One of the most common disfiguring but not disabling operations is the mastectomy (removal of a breast). No couple should allow this operation to diminish their sex life in any way! It is particularly important for the husband to show his wife how much he loves her and how grateful he is that she is living and well.

Sex after menopause can be just the same or better for the wife. Some women have had the notion that they will lose interest and pleasure in sex as they go on past menopause, but this simply is not true. Changes in the timing of sexual response do not mean that sex is enjoyed less. Many women feel a greater freedom because they have fewer family responsibilities and more opportunity to develop their own identities outside of motherhood.

Her husband may also encourage her to redirect her energies, perhaps into further education or into some Christian ministry.

Development of a healthy lifestyle will delay or diminish the effects of aging. Some helpful measures include: taking calcium and vitamin D aerobic and anaerobic exercise stretching, good posture, and balance exercises avoiding all forms of tobacco regularly screening for breast cancer and osteoporosis

The maxim that applies best to sex after sixty is simply this: Use it or lose it. The couple who keeps active sexually can continue to enjoy lovemaking after sixty . . . seventy . . . and even eighty.

Is it safe to marry someone who has had a bacterial STD? Since most cases of gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis are treated with antibiotics and eliminated from the body, there is no risk for infection due to past history of infection. However, the infected partner may carry the long-term complications of unchecked infection such as pelvic inflammatory disease\u2013related infertility.

Genital herpes symptoms develop in two to twenty days after contact with the virus. In early herpes infection, pain, itching, painful urination, and discharge from the urethra or vagina occur first. These symptoms usually occur within three days to three weeks after infection. Next, small bumps called herpetic vesicles (pustules) develop in the area of the infection. These may itch at first and then turn into small fluid-filled blisters. After ten to twelve days they begin to crust, forming little sores. Tender lymph nodes are also present along with symptoms similar to the flu. The first outbreak is usually the longest, approximately twelve days. Subsequent outbreaks average about five days. The number of outbreaks differs from person to person and is often associated with stress, fatigue, overexposure to cold or the sun, and certain foods. It is important to note that following an outbreak of herpes, the skin is altered in such a way that infection with the HIV virus is more probable, should exposure occur. Ninety percent of those infected will have another outbreak within a year. It is not unusual for an infected person to have three or four outbreaks a year.

It is still very possible to infect someone without visual signs or symptoms. Newborns who come in contact with the virus during birth may experience infections in the eyes, on the skin, and in the central nervous system and frequently even die. It is very important to make a health care professional aware of potential herpes infection so the proper precautions can be taken during delivery. Pregnant mothers with active herpes sores at delivery will undergo a caesarean delivery. Herpes, as with most viruses, can be treated but not cured. It is considered a lifelong condition.

Other recommendations to reduce symptoms include: getting plenty of rest (eight hours per night), maintaining a balanced diet, wearing loose-fitting clothing (which reduces the warm, moist environment that encourages viral replication), reducing direct exposure to the sun, keeping sores dry and clean, avoiding touching the sore, applying ice packs to relieve swelling and discomfort, reducing stress, and exercising regularly.

You should feel totally free to do what pleases both of you in the privacy of your bedroom.

What advice can you offer to the husband and wife who both work and find that any time they have together is hampered by physical exhaustion? This couple should be very careful to make special arrangements to retire at an early hour and may need to anticipate and regularly set aside quiet evenings to be alone at home together. I suggest an occasional weekend set aside for a brief and inexpensive vacation for two. The couple can make reservations at a hotel in a nearby town for quiet relaxation and enjoyment of each other. If possible, a hotel where meals are brought to the room should be chosen. There is little additional expense for this room service and it adds just a little extra sense of luxury, as well as allowing more private time together, which is the real purpose of the trip.

How do you feel about the sexual counseling that encourages self-stimulation while the couple is making love? Is such self-pleasuring antithetical to God\u2019s plan for couples to pleasure each other? I believe that self-stimulation by the wife, in which the husband is also involved, may play a very important part in helping a woman who has had a difficult time reaching a climax. Through this she may learn how to respond, experience orgasm, and establish correct response patterns. However, as soon as she is consistently able to reach a climax, the couple should resume regular sexual intercourse.

A man\u2019s sexual pleasure greatly increases when he knows he is able to satisfy his wife fully by bringing her to orgasm. Thus the wife who temporarily stimulates herself as a part of lovemaking between the two (for learning purposes only) is not so much just pleasuring herself as learning to have a response that will also greatly please her husband.

What is the ideal frequency of intercourse? Whatever is mutually satisfying to both of you. If you desire to have sexual intercourse every single night and both enjoy this and neither of you feel put upon, then this is all right. Five thousand couples were asked how often they had sex during a week. The average was two or three times per week. You will be able to raise your sexual desire to the level of your mate if you wish to and if you commit this to God in prayer and yield your attitudes to Him. The secret is an enthusiastic involvement in the process of giving and receiving pleasure. Intercourse should not occur so often that it becomes a dull routine.

Is it all right to use an electric vibrator? Electric vibrators applied to the genital area can give strong sexual stimulation, but many people have found that when they wish to have normal intercourse, they are then unable to gain satisfaction. This is because there is no kind of sexual activity that can approach the intensity of stimulation produced by a vibrator. Artificial means of producing stimulation should be avoided.

Can a woman have more than one orgasm during intercourse? A woman\u2019s body is designed to be multiorgasmic. If all the factors of love and consideration are present, and if the proper stimulation takes place, she can have as many orgasms as she wants. Hindrances to multiple orgasms would be inhibitions or lack of sufficient stimulation. The multiorgasmic woman almost always desires her husband to continue sexual contact and stimulation all through the time she is experiencing each orgasm. For maximum response, she may occasionally request a brief pause in stimulation. The wife is the one to suggest the timing and intensity of the stimulation.

How long must a man wait after having intercourse to have another orgasm? He must usually wait from several minutes to several hours before being able to have another ejaculation. The time interval of this recovery period has nothing to do with so-called masculinity. Keener enjoyment will result when the husband waits at least twenty-four hours after orgasm for the body to replenish the supply of seminal fluid. Often a man who is over fifty-five years of age will not be able to have another orgasm for about twenty-four hours.

Also, oral-genital sex definitely limits the amount of loving verbal communication that husband and wife can have as they make love.

When a couple decides that sterilization is the best answer to their problem of birth control, which one should be sterilized\u2014the husband or the wife? The vasectomy operation performed on the husband is far simpler, safer, less painful, and less expensive.

At what age may a woman stop using contraceptives without risk of pregnancy? Menopause usually occurs around age fifty, with a normal range of forty to fifty-five. It is estimated that pregnancies between forty-five and forty-nine years occur in one to three instances per one thousand births. After the age of fifty, pregnancies are rare indeed, occurring in an estimated incidence of about one per twenty-five thousand cases. Therefore when a woman is forty-eight years old or older and has not menstruated in six to twelve months, it is considered reasonably safe to stop contraceptive measures. She is considered menopausal when she has not menstruated for a full year.

How does the size of a woman\u2019s breast affect her sexual desires and abilities? Not at all! The breast continues to be the most exalted symbol of femininity, and the sight or feel of a woman\u2019s breasts is a stronger stimulus of male sexual desire than any other part of the body. In our bosom-conscious culture, women attach much significance to this part of their body, and they attempt to hide or display this area in accord with their attitudes, desires and goals, modesty, and discretion. Research figures indicate that only about 50 percent of wives gain sexual stimulation from the fondling of their breasts.

What do you think about breast-feeding? God has a primary plan for the breasts to be used for perfect, trouble-free feeding of your new baby. We know too that the contour, consistency, and size of your breasts is better protected when you nurse your baby. Nursing also hastens the return of the uterus to its original size, usually within a month.

How important is self-examination of the breasts? How often should it be done? The screening for breast cancer by means of self-examination, as well as physician\u2019s examination and digital mammography, has increased detection of early breast cancer and has saved about one-third more lives of women who were found to have cancer. The self-examination should be carried out at the same time each month, preferably soon after menstruation. Women with a history of breast cancer in their families and those who have never breast-fed have a higher risk of cancer and should carry out the self-examination with great care. The procedure for breast self-examination developed by the American Cancer Society can be found on their website www.cancer.org/docroot/cri/content/cri_2_6x_how_to_perform_a_breast_self_exam_5.asp.

What causes mood fluctuations just before the menstrual period begins?

In other words, women are more outgoing and active in the first half of the menstrual cycle, when estrogen levels are higher. They gradually become more passive and sometimes depressed in the second half of the cycle, when there is a rise in progesterone. Ask your doctor if progesterone would be appropriate for you.

What is the place of erotic pictures and movies in increasing sexual desire? Many couples do not understand what these erotic movies consist of. They show two or more nude people, performing many different acts of sexual stimulation in extremely varied ways and positions. This would probably be offensive to most Christian couples seeking solutions in their own love relationship. Some psychiatrists who deal with sexual problems have said that they found these movies helpful in opening communication with patients and in sparking communication between husbands and wives who have been unable to talk to each other at all about sexual matters. These movies may lower sexual communication barriers, but viewing sex in this way is likely to produce more problems than it will solve. See 1 Corinthians 6:18.

Why do so many teenage marriages not work out? First, because teenagers in most cases cannot separate from their parents and become independent. Second, teenagers have changing value systems and they do not yet know what they will want in a mate. Qualities later surface that were not apparent when the young people married. This is because character develops as a response to responsibility or adversity. There is no way of predicting with accuracy how a teenager will respond to the difficulties and demands of married life in the years ahead.

The most important decisions our children make are in the years following their teens, and an excellent father-daughter relationship is more important at this time than at any other.

What can be done about the problem of urine continuing to drain from the penis after a man has finished urinating? It is very inconvenient. If you are over forty, you may have this problem. The narrowest part of the man\u2019s urethra, the tube from the bladder to the outside, is just below the prostate gland and is called the membranous urethra. Just below this part is the section called the bulb of the urethra, which is of larger diameter. The urine remaining in this part of the urethra can be easily forced out by placing the fingers behind and above the scrotum and in front of the anus and then pressing upward and forward very firmly. The man with this problem will need to practice this and experiment to find the exact spot to push to help himself.

Does smoking marijuana have an effect on unborn children? Yes. Dr. Gabriel Nahas, author of the book Keep Off the Grass, reports that the chemicals in marijuana can cross the placenta and reach the unborn child. Laboratory tests with four different kinds of animals show that there is a higher incidence of abortion and other abnormalities when the animals are given a dose of marijuana equivalent to one joint a day. Marijuana contains at least 421 different chemicals. The effects of all 421 have not been determined, and there are additional ingredients to be isolated. It now seems apparent that daily usage or regular usage will lower the IQ of the user by as much as twenty points over fifteen years of use and is linked to heart and brain tumors.

What keeps the relationship vital and moving is a joyous pattern of mutual response, the kind we see pictured in the ever-changing relationship of Solomon and his bride in Song of Solomon. The two lovers had periods of almost indescribable pleasure interspersed with changes of fortune and diversities of feeling. Theirs was not a perfect relationship, because they were human. When he wanted her, at one point, she did not wish to be disturbed. Then after he had turned away, her heart was moved for him, and she sought him until they were reunited. Their reunion became a glorious blending of mutual pleasure, as he poured forth words of intense appreciation: \u201cHow fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!\u201d And she passionately assured him that her delights were all for him. Those almost perfect moments that sometimes happen between lovers tempt us to become collectors, trying to capture and repeat our favorite experiences. They are pleasant to remember, but a clinging to the past often causes us to miss out on the new delights that are still ahead. The time when our love relationship is admittedly less than perfect will always leave room for movement toward each other. As long as we are committed to each other, we need not fear the constant change within marriage, the ebb and flow of the relationship of two lovers, for it is a sign of life.

And then it is so uniquely and amazingly personal\u2014our very own experience, which none can match or enter into. No one else can tell us just how to share this life with our mate. The dynamics are for each to explore, experience, and develop into a harmony as near perfection as possible. They will include spontaneity of life, freedom of expression, expectancy of pleasure, sensitivity in caring, and yieldedness leading to completion. But precisely how they will manifest themselves, no one else can say. As you come to know yourself and your lover, you will know best how to love that special one.

Your response of love, liking, and delight in each other will be as a bright thread of joy woven in the ordinary colors of daily life.

So those who would understand the sexual relationship in marriage must experience it, and experience it the way God intends it to be\u2014spontaneous, free, enjoyable, renewing, and more filled with meaning than words could ever tell.

Look at it with us as a private little kingdom, a kingdom where you and your marriage partner dwell with the King: Jesus Christ, who is none other than the King of kings and Lord of lords! What do we mean by a private little kingdom? That which is private is \u201cremoved from public view, secluded, not for common use.\u201d This is what marriage was designed to be from the beginning of time\u2014a special world of belonging, apart from the rush and roar of life all about us, where we can always find renewal and refreshment in each other\u2019s love.

First, there will be security. You will know a wonderful security in each other\u2019s love. This security begins with communication. The sex relationship is a tender yet vibrant form of communication. Sharing, understanding, touching, pleasuring, satisfying the other in the safety of a committed love\u2014this is security!

To understand and be understood, to know, really know, what another is thinking, to say what you will and be sure it is accepted as of value or sifted through without reproof, to be you, really you, and know you are loved\u2014 This is near-heaven.

This means that your marriage will not be a patriarchy where husband rules as a dictator, nor a matriarchy where the wife rules as the awesome power behind the throne. It will not be an anarchy where no one has answered the question "Who's in charge?" (When there are no rules, children usually end up in control, and this is the most destructive government of all.) Instead, your marriage will be a theocracy, where God rules-where the husband is the designated head, because he is responsible to carry out the will of God; where the wife operates under the covering of her husband's love, wisdom, and protection; where the children obey their parents. "But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God" (1 Corinthians 11:3).

Our prayer for each reader is that you and your partner will be guided into that oneness that will cause the love in your marriage to reveal to the world the image of the union between Christ and His church.

Actionable Takeaways:

Top Tips:

Numbered list of actionable takeaways.

1. Reserve funds to allow for a few weeks of uninterrupted time for a honeymoon. \u201cWhen a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken\u201d (Deut. 24:5).

2. Borrow no money. \u201cOwe no man any thing, but to love one another\u201d (Rom. 13:8). Borrowing money before marriage or soon after is like adding another phrase to the marriage vows: \u201cTill debt do us part.\u201d

3. Be independent of in-laws. Leave father and mother. \u201cFor this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh\u201d (Eph. 5:31). However, you should not marry without their approval. \u201cChildren, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right\u201d (Eph. 6:1).

4. Declare a moratorium on media for at least one year. \u201cYe husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife. . . . Be ye all of one mind\u201d (1 Peter 3:7\u20138). I used to say simply, \u201cDo not get a TV set for at least one year.\u201d This was one of the most surprising things that young people heard from me. It may sound absurd. But did you know that television can be the greatest, most subtle thief of your time? It will steal away those moments that you should be devoting to your mate and, later, to your family.

5. First, study the Scripture, then study your wife. Dwell with her. Be totally at ease together, with full knowledge of each other. This is what marriage is all about.

6. Resolve negative attitudes toward each other by the end of the day or do not go to bed until you do. \u201cLet not the sun go down upon your wrath\u201d (Eph. 4:26). \u201cForgive as the Lord forgave you\u201d (Col. 3:13 NIV).

7. Seek counsel if the wife is consistently unable to attain good sexual release. \u201cLet the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other\u201d (1 Cor. 7:3\u20135).

8. Have Bible study together every day.

9. Submission is the most important gift a wife can give her husband. A responsive and receptive wife willingly demonstrates that she surrenders her freedom for his love, adoration, protection, and provision.

10. Start by admitting that your loss of love is a result of wanting to receive rather than wanting to give. Recognize that you can be the instrument through whom God will communicate His love to your partner. Pray and commit yourself to this.