Foreword — Living in Community
The people we live next to have a bigger impact on the quality of our lives than we usually stop to consider. Relationships matter far more than bricks and mortar, and our neighborhoods are much more than collections of houses. When we began reaching out to our neighbors, we quickly discovered that the benefits were far-reaching — we ended up being cared for by our neighbors as much as we cared for them. We began to experience what it is like to have a strong support system right outside our front door. Our street filled with people who knew and cared for one another. The command to love our neighbors lies at the core of God’s plan for our lives, and when we follow this mandate, it changes everything. The journey begins when we choose a lifestyle of conversation and community over a lifestyle of busyness and accumulation. It is about making room for life and choosing to befriend those God has placed around us.
Chapter 1 — Who Is My Neighbor?
What if the solution to our society’s biggest issues has been right under our noses for the past two thousand years? When Jesus was asked to reduce everything in the Bible into one command, he said: love God with everything you have and love your neighbor as yourself. What if he actually meant your literal neighbors — the people who live right next door? The problem is that we have turned this simple idea into a nice saying. We put it on bumper stickers and T-shirts and go on with our lives without actually putting it into practice. Jesus has given us a practical plan with the potential to change the world. The reality, though, is that the majority of Christians don’t even know the names of most of their neighbors.
Start by looking around your own neighborhood. What problems do you see? The yard across the street is full of knee-high weeds, and you know the husband just got laid off. Next door, teenagers are smoking pot nightly. A few doors down, a family with several children clearly doesn’t speak much English, and you wonder if the kids are even in school. We can always hope that somebody else will handle them — the government, the police, the school district. But what if we could be part of the solution? What if it all starts with getting to know the invisible neighbors that surround us?
A group of pastors gathered with city officials and discovered exactly how deep the need runs. The discussion revealed a familiar laundry list of social problems: at-risk kids, dilapidated housing, child hunger, drug and alcohol abuse, loneliness, elderly shut-ins with no one to look in on them. Then the mayor said something that inspired the whole joint-church movement: “The majority of the issues that our community is facing would be eliminated or drastically reduced if we could just figure out a way to become a community of great neighbors.” He shared candidly that, in his opinion, government programs are not always the most effective way to address social issues. Relationships, he said, are more effective than programs because they are organic and ongoing. In a word, the mayor had invited a roomful of pastors to get their people to actually obey Jesus — to obey the second half of the Great Commandment.
As Paul puts it most succinctly in Galatians 5:14, “The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” When groups of believers began taking this seriously — simply learning their neighbors’ names and working with others to throw a block party — city leaders began to notice. New friendships evolved, strangers became acquaintances, and acquaintances began moving toward genuine relationships. The solutions to the problems in our neighborhoods are not ultimately found in the government, the police, the schools, or in getting more people to go to church. The solutions lie with us. It is within our power to become good neighbors, to care for the people around us and to be cared for by them. There really is a different way to live, and it turns out to be the best way to live.
Sitting with this conviction led to an obsession with John 17, the chapter that recounts Jesus’s prayer just before his arrest. After praying for himself and his disciples, he concludes by praying for all who would follow him — that they would be one, brought to complete unity. Jesus has a burning desire for there to be unity among all believers, and he tells us that there is something so sacred and beautiful about this oneness that it will draw people to God who are not yet in a relationship with him. One of the worthiest endeavors any follower of Jesus can undertake is to take the Great Commandment seriously and learn to be in genuine relationship with literal neighbors.
Chapter 2 — Taking the Great Commandment Seriously
When we don’t know our neighbors, misunderstanding thrives. A friend had a neighbor whose house was run down — the garage door falling off its hinges, two dead cars out front. The instinct was to call code enforcement, and officials came and issued a ticket. A few days later, the story came out: the woman who lived there was alone, and her mother had cancer. She had stopped working to sit at her mom’s bedside around the clock for months. Without knowing someone’s story, assumptions fill every empty space. Fear takes root the same way. Whatever is unknown feels threatening. When we don’t know our neighbors and they don’t know us, it is easy to imagine the worst about each other. But God invites us to love the way he loves — and that requires actually knowing the people around us.
When a lawyer once asked Jesus, “Who is my neighbor?” Jesus answered with the story of a man beaten and left for dead on the road from Jerusalem to Jericho. Two religious leaders — people who prided themselves on doing the right thing — passed by without helping. They had schedules to keep and agendas that couldn’t be flexed. Then a Samaritan stopped — and in Jesus’s day, Samaritans and Israelites despised each other; for his listeners, it would be the modern-day equivalent of a terrorist stopping to help. The Samaritan bandaged the man’s wounds, loaded him on his donkey, took him to an inn, and paid his medical bills. “Go and do likewise,” Jesus told the lawyer.
The lawyer’s question — “Who is my neighbor?” — is our question too, and we often answer it in a way that lets us off the hook. When we say “everyone is my neighbor,” it can become an excuse for avoiding the implications. Our “neighbors” get defined in the broadest of terms: the people across town, the people helped by organizations that receive our donations. But when we aim for everything, we hit nothing. That is our human nature — always looking for a loophole.
There is a practical exercise that makes the abstract concrete: draw a simple block map showing the eight houses closest to yours. For each one, try to fill in three levels of information. First, write down the names of the people who live there. Second, write down some relevant information you would know only if you had actually spoken to that person — where they grew up, what they do for a living, where they are from. Third, write down anything more in-depth you have learned through real relationship: their career plans, their dreams, what motivates them, what they fear, what they believe about God. Most people are quietly humbled by this exercise. It reveals how little we truly know about the people closest to us.
Chapter 3 — The Time Barrier
Even though we get more and more done, the tasks keep piling up. Our calendars continuously stay full, no matter how many time-saving devices are invented. Beneath all the busyness there are lies we tell ourselves. The first lie is that things will settle down someday. The truth is that things will only settle down when you die or when you get intentional about adjusting your schedule. The second lie is that more will be enough — that you are just one more purchase or achievement away from contentment. The third lie is that everybody lives like this, making chronic busyness feel like an unavoidable fact of modern life.
Jesus got an enormous amount done, but when you read about his life, the word hurried never comes to mind. He lived passionately and purposefully but was never in a rush. As one thinker put it plainly, “Love and hurry are fundamentally incompatible. Love always takes time, and time is the one thing hurried people don’t have.” As Psalm 90:12 puts it, “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” If we can grasp our limitations, we may choose to prioritize differently.
Three life-balancing principles help. First, make the main thing the main thing — reflect on what is most important and then schedule around those priorities. Second, eliminate time stealers — learn the art of removal, cutting activities that contribute nothing of lasting value. Third, be interruptible — develop a willingness to be inconvenienced, a posture that accepts the interruptions of others rather than resenting them. Think of your life like filling a single bucket with rocks, sand, and water. Start with the big rocks — your relationship with God. Then pour in the sand — your family. Then pour in the water — your neighbors and other priorities. Everything important fits, as long as you start with the biggest things first. The question worth sitting with is this: do you live at a pace that allows you to be available to those around you?
Chapter 4 — The Fear Factor
If we are going to neighbor well, we must have the courage to wrestle with whatever holds us back. But much of what we label “fear” is more accurately described as timidity — not genuine danger, but a low-grade reluctance to put ourselves out there. Tom and Angela discovered a beautifully simple way through that timidity. Their kids had always played in the backyard. So they made one small change: they switched to the front yard. They hung a swing in a front-yard tree and set out some lawn chairs. Neighbors they had never spoken to began stopping by, conversations started, and connections began to form — all because they simply hung out where they could be seen.
Wes runs a homeless shelter, and he mentioned something that stuck: most of the people in his shelter ended up there because of isolation. They became distanced from friends, family, and neighbors. And then it took only one bad break for them to end up on the streets. Neighboring isn’t just a nice thing to do. It is, quite literally, a safety net.
Chapter 5 — Moving Down the Line
One of the most surprisingly powerful steps is also the simplest: write down the names you are learning on a block map and tape it to the side of your fridge. Once the chart is where you can see it every day, you find yourself thinking more and more about the neighbors you know by name — and about the ones you still need to introduce yourself to. Lauren took that idea one step further and created a block directory — a simple map of the neighborhood with everybody’s name, home and cell numbers, and email addresses. Then she gave a copy to everyone on the block. This one act transformed a collection of strangers into something that felt like a community. People who had lived side by side for years suddenly had a way to reach each other.
But Jesus didn’t tell us to become acquaintances with our neighbors; he called us to love them. That means moving toward actual relationship. Block parties — parties thrown by and attended by people who live on a specific block — are natural environments in which neighbors often take the step from being acquaintances to actually becoming friends. Jesus spent so much time at parties because he knew their power. He understood they were an important means for people to share their lives with one another in very real and practical ways. When Jesus found himself among people who didn’t share his religious framework, he had every opportunity to step back from the mess — yet Jesus actually did the opposite. He defended his right to be there and used the opportunity to be with people he might not otherwise see. Not everyone in the neighborhood is easy to be around, but we cannot always expect people to come onto our turf; we must also be willing to enter their world. The commitment worth making is this: at least one good block party every year, and then sit back and see how God uses it.
Chapter 6 — Baby Steps
Good neighboring doesn’t look heroic from the outside. One person who does it well makes time to invite his neighbors over for a meal a few times a month. Instead of watching football games alone, he watches them with the people who live around him. He lets his neighbors borrow his tools and helps them work on their cars. Occasionally he grabs a drink with a few neighbors and they talk about their jobs and what they think their kids will grow up to be. When one of his neighbors is going through a hard time, he is available. When a neighbor needs him to watch her kids because something unexpected comes up, he is always willing. It is not dramatic. It is faithful.
Scripture tells of a small boy who becomes a hero. He is so insignificant that we don’t even know his name, but he stands in a group of adults and gives what he has. Then a miracle takes place. His little effort combines with God’s power, and everything changes. The principle is the same in every era: when you give what you have, even if it is minute, God can make a miracle. When you give away what you have, Jesus will give you more to give. The most natural way to connect is through shared activities: baking, playing sports, watching a game, eating together. Just choose to do something with others that you were going to do alone anyway. You were built to connect with other people — so be who you are, and relationships will grow out of that. It makes friendship normal and natural, something that just happens rather than something that is forced.
Chapter 7 — Motives Matter
If evangelism is your only motive for neighboring, you won’t be a very good neighbor. However, if neighboring is done with the right posture, people who don’t know God will most certainly come to know him. There is a crucial distinction between the ulterior motive and the ultimate motive. The ulterior motive in good neighboring must never be to share the gospel. But the ultimate motive is just that — to share the story of Jesus and his impact on our lives. There is a big difference. The agenda that needs to go is the well-meaning tendency to be friends with people for the sole purpose of converting them. We don’t love our neighbors to convert them; we love our neighbors because we are converted. Jesus never called us to use a bait-and-switch approach. Good neighboring is an end in itself.
One afternoon while walking through the neighborhood to invite people to a block party, a neighbor asked why anyone would bother throwing one. “We want the neighborhood to be more connected — we know that most people feel isolated and really want to get to know each other.” Walking home that day, there was a fresh and uncomfortable recognition of how threatening even well-intentioned outreach can appear. People who have been targeted in the past are wary. When the topic of religion comes up, they simply leave the room or shut down altogether. That is the last thing we want to happen in a friendship we are trying to build.
The good news is that when people are in genuine relationship with others, they naturally share what they love. Jay loves golf. If you spend any significant amount of time with him, you will end up talking about golf. The same principle is true for everyone. If you love Jesus, he will naturally come up in your conversations. You don’t need to engineer it.
Relationships follow a recognizable pattern of increasing depth. Early on, we talk about things we can both see — the weather, the newly painted house. As trust develops, we move into basic personal information: how long have you lived here, where did you grow up, what do you do for a living. Deeper still come dreams and desires — what do you love most about what you do, if you could do anything what would it be. And eventually, in real friendships, we share our regrets, our losses, and our pain. If you have a deep personal relationship with Jesus, he will naturally be a big part of your story as you reach those deeper layers. Most people who don’t believe in God have had at least one negative experience with religion, and entering a spiritual conversation can feel threatening. But Jesus declared in Matthew 5:14–16 that your light shining before others will cause them to see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. When people see you living a life of love, they will actually be seeing God in you. They may not even know who God is, but they will start to become curious because of the way you live. Don’t make your neighbors your pet project — make them your friends.
Chapter 8 — The Art of Receiving
Great neighborhoods are built on reciprocal relationships — on two-way streets. At the end of the day, no one wants to feel like a project. We want to feel that we bring something to the table. But one of the biggest temptations when it comes to neighboring is exactly that: turning neighbors into projects. We put on the superneighbor cape and rush out to serve and make a difference on our block. This really isn’t a bad thing, but if this is all we ever do, our relationships will be empty. If we don’t allow people to meet any of our needs, we limit what God wants to do in our neighborhood and in our life. We naturally want to be seen as the capable one, the one with all the resources and answers. But being in a relationship where we allow others to meet our needs is always a good thing.
When giving is one-sided, it robs the person in need of their dignity, because it makes them dependent. But when giving is two-sided, everyone feels a sense of worth. Every person on our block has something to bring to a relationship. The goal is mutual exchange, not charity administered from a distance.
Chapter 9 — The Art of Setting Boundaries
The goal of good neighboring is to help people get back in charge of their own lives — not to rescue them. Good neighboring is not about blindly giving handouts. Rather, it means walking alongside those in need and helping them find their way. Jesus himself set boundaries with the people he encountered. He cured some people but not others. He stopped and talked with some but not all. Sometimes when the crowds were seeking him, he purposely left them and walked the other way. Jesus was not afraid to put responsibility back onto others — and doing so helped them in lasting ways rather than creating dependency.
Good neighboring must ultimately be an exercise in asking God what to do in any given situation. God doesn’t ask us to do everything, but he does ask us to do something — and something is much better than nothing.
Chapter 10 — The Art of Focusing
As you get to know your neighbors, you begin to recognize something: you can’t be everyone’s best friend. You don’t have enough time or energy to invest in every neighbor equally. To neighbor well, you must learn to narrow your focus. You can be friendly to everybody, but it is likely that you will be genuinely close with only a few. That focus, done well, allows you to have a significant impact where you live.
In his ministry, Jesus was intentional about how he spent his time in a way worth imitating. From the multitudes, he set apart a group of seventy-two disciples. Of those seventy-two, he had a core group of twelve with whom he invested the majority of his time. And from among those twelve, he was even more intentional with three, spending the most time with them of all. He chose depth over breadth at every level.
Jesus also gave his disciples a specific strategy for finding the right people to invest in. He instructed them to look for a person of peace in every city they entered — someone hospitable and genuinely open to becoming a friend (Luke 10:5–6). Once they found that person, he told them to stay. This seems counterintuitive — wouldn’t moving around produce wider impact? But a person of peace would have a large relational network. By staying in that household, the disciples were introduced to that entire web of friends and neighbors. One family discovered this principle on moving day. They noticed a party going on across the street and walked over — what they found was a karaoke bar in their neighbor’s garage, complete with more than fifty people mingling. At that moment it dawned on them that they probably shouldn’t be the ones hosting the block party. The person of peace was already across the street.
Chapter 11 — The Art of Forgiving
It is important to examine those neighboring relationships that are strained and look for ways to heal them. Romans 12:18 is a good place to start: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Paul goes on: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Jesus takes the principle even further in Matthew 5:44: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Love your enemies. Pray for the neighbors you don’t get along with. This is radical teaching.
It is important to hold two things in tension. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Reconciliation is the hard work of how we go forward together; forgiveness is an attitude of the heart. We should offer everyone forgiveness, but we will not always be reconciled with everyone who has wronged us. As Pete put it plainly, “Real relationships are almost always messy. But if we’re to love people the way Jesus commanded, we need to be willing to push through when things get complicated.”
When a neighboring relationship is strained, begin by identifying the issue and assessing its severity from a posture of humility. Choose to obey Jesus’s command and pray for your neighbor — pray for their well-being, that God will make a way for reconciliation, and that God will change your own heart and convict you of anything you could have done differently. If God convicts you of wrongdoing, look for an opportunity to apologize for your part. A genuine apology can be incredibly disarming and go a long way toward restoring a relationship. Go the extra mile — ask yourself what it will take to genuinely lean in and love this person unconditionally. Sometimes engaging face-to-face simply won’t work and will only escalate the tension; in those cases, find indirect ways to bless the person and show care without direct confrontation. Don’t run because there is adversity. Maybe God wants to use that very adversity to make you more like Jesus.
Chapter 12 — Better Together
When Jesus was asked to pinpoint the most important commandment, he narrowed everything down to this: love God with your whole being and love your neighbor as yourself. He gave us a simple plan that, if every believer actually took it at face value, would change the world. The neighbors we invite to join us in this don’t all have to be Christians. There may be someone in our neighborhood who has a completely different spiritual orientation but knows far more about neighboring than we do. Creativity and collaboration multiply what any one household can do.
Keep in mind that local churches play a very important role in God’s plan to build the kingdom, but each local church is just one part of the kingdom. Jesus uses the word church only three times in the Gospels; he uses the word kingdom one hundred and twenty-one times. The neighboring life is kingdom work, whether or not it happens under the formal banner of a church program. If it seems like there simply isn’t time for this, take out a calendar and answer one honest question: is everything currently on that calendar more important than taking the Great Commandment literally? The answer to that question is the beginning of the neighboring life.